The Consummate Politician Apologizes

Well, shit. My fellow Americans, it seems I am once again in the dog house with you all. Apparently you all don't think our God-given right to discriminate against those who are queer needs to be protected. That's a terrible shame, really, since I was really looking forward to kicking all those poofters out of my tavern in Indianapolis. They come in, dressed all fancy, asking about our vegetarian options. Jesus done gave us teeth so that we could eat all the other animals, not broccoli and nasty kale. If you eat vegetables, then I guess you're queer. Please don't quote me on that.

The fact of the matter is that our religious way of life is under attack in America. A woman basically used to be personal property of her man, and now all the damn feminists have made it where you can't even grope a woman without her calling the cops and saying that you raped her. Nowadays, I have to get my groping done in the Philippines. Used to be, a wife would look the other way when her husband wanted to have some fun with the boys, maybe visit a bathhouse or whatever, you know, bro stuff, nothing gay or anything. Those days are gone. Thanks, Obama.

Let me ask you folks: What would Jesus do? Would he put up with all the butt stuff and all the male hand-holding? Would he put up with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? What about that David Beckham, with his pretty hair and his six-pack? I'll tell you what Jesus would do, he would kick some gay ass. That's all Jesus did in the Bible, riding atop his Triceratops with his army of angels sporting machine guns. Somebody should make a movie about that stuff. I'd sure as hell watch it.

You see, we Christians think that we're better than you because we believe in an invisible sky wizard that seems to be indifferent to the plight of man. It makes perfect sense to adhere to a two-thousand year-old morality system created by the ancient Israelites. If you can't see the logic of an omnipotent creator punishing his imperfect creation for a sin that He knew we'd commit, then I just don't know what else to say to you. You must be a dumb ass. Or a homosexual.

So sure, I'll do the PR thing and tell you all that I'm sorry. Go ahead, believe it. Or not. I don't care because I'm in charge and you're too apathetic to do anything about it. Vote for whoever you think is right. Or don't vote. That's the beauty of democracy. It just works.