Thursday, April 23, 2015

You Know Han is Going to Die in the New Star Wars, Right?


Harrison Ford walks into J.J. Abrams' office dressed in a World's Greatest Dad shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He is drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette. It is seven in the morning California time.

"Harrison, how's it going?" asks J.J.

"I'm Harrison fucking Ford, how do you think it's going?" says Harrison. "I'm Indiana Jones and Han Solo. I've been living off those two movies for years. You know the Dos Equis guy? They based him on my life."

"Right, right," says J.J. "I want to talk to you about your role in the new Star Wars movie."

 "Jesus, I really don't want to do another one of those," says Harrison. "Do you know how bad the Chewbacca costume smells? I'm pretty sure that guy used to shit in it."

"We're making a new Chewbacca costume so you don't have to worry about that," says J.J.

"You think my fat ass can fit in my old Han Solo pants? You better be making a new pair of those, too."

"We are, we are," says J.J. "Now I know you're reluctant to do another Star Wars movie. But what if you only had to do one?"

"What are you saying?" asks Harrison, taking a sip of his beer.

"What if we kill your character off at the end of the movie? Sort of like how Obi-Wan dies in the first one."

"Humm," says Harrison. There is a gigantic statue of Micky Mouse sitting behind J.J.'s chair. Its enormous eyes seem to peer at Harrison, seeing through him to his very soul.

"That could work," says Harrison. "But it would have to be awesome."

"We're thinking of having you killed by Adam Driver, who is revealed to be your son, mirroring Darth Vader's revelation to Luke."


"Who the fuck is Adam Driver?" asks Harrison.

"He plays the main villain, Kylo Ren," says J.J.

"Who the fuck is Adam Driver?" asks Harrison.

"He's on that HBO show Girls. You know, the one about that fat girl who's always naked for some reason. Somebody's butt got ate-out on it. It's sort of famous."

"Han Solo is going to be killed by a fat girl?" asks Harrison.

"No, no," says J.J. He pushes a picture of Adam Driver toward Harrison.

"This fucker looks like Nien Nunb," says Harrison. "Seriously, that's the ugliest man I've ever seen."


"Well he'll be wearing a mask for most of the movie," says J.J.

"I'm not so sure about this," says Harrison. "Do you want to be known as the director who killed Han Solo?"

"I'm got more money than a horse has hair," says J.J. "I truly don't give a fuck."

The two men stare at each over. Mickey stares at them. The silence looms like a bird of doom.

"I want one-hundred million dollars," says Harrison.

"Done," says J.J. They shake hands. Behind them, unseen, Mickey smiles.

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