Friday, June 20, 2014

The Least Interesting Man in the World

Howdy there squares. Nice weather, eh? Not too hot. Not too cold. Just nice and mediocre, just like I like it.

Went over and met the new neighbor kid today. Brought him a cool pack of O'douls as a friendly gift. He took it reluctantly, as though he didn't know what it was. I told him not to get too crazy! Kids these days. They're good people, I tell ya, but sometimes they party just a little too hard.

I spent three hours watching a baseball game. I can't tell you who played, but lemme tell ya, those guys had fun! Nothing screams America like baseball, apple pie, and falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon!

Took my date to Applebees because where else in God's green earth would I take her for premium food and fun at an affordable price? We had the ultimate trio of wanton tacos, quesadillas, and cheeseburger sliders. Say, why do you figure they call 'em sliders? Is it 'cause they slide right down the ol' gullet something right? Or is it because you have to visit the bathroom more frequently after consumption? Geez, I dunno.

I practiced my trombone a little bit today. Old man Murry came over and told me to quit strangling a goose, and I responded that I didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about. "Stop playing that friggin' boner," he said, although he actually used an expletive before the word boner. So my practice ended prematurely. No sense stirring up the neighborhood! We all have to be gracious neighbors.

Lemme tell ya, I watched that Seinfeld program that was all the rage over twenty years ago. That George is some neurotic, is he not? How's a guy like him get so many good-looking women? Doesn't seem like he can hold a job. Perhaps that doesn't matter so much to women these days. I don't get that Kramer guy, though. He seems like a mental patient.

Living by yourself is tough sometimes, folks. I have nobody to help me find my Bob Hope CDs. He was a funny guy, Bob Hope. He knew something about humor.

Some nights I look up at the sky and wonder if there's anybody upstairs watching. Do you think he gives points for good behavior? Because I tell ya, I've been very good.

Smoked the pipe before bed while reclined in my easy chair and wearing my tweed smoking jacket. One of my few vices, the pipe. It eases a man's mind and body, as well as his spirit. I took out my big book of Arthur Conan Doyle stories and fell asleep almost immediately. This happens some times. I live such a full life.

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