Thursday, June 12, 2014

Hanging with the Goon

Reuben takin' advantag of teh new toilet we found on the side of the road.

Hey ya'll, how's it been in ya'll's crazy lives? I tell ya, it's been a little crazier 'round here than usual. Slack is still dealin' with the herpe, but he's gotten used to his confinement, and we're feedin' him through the slot in his door salisbury steak wit milk, which is his most favorite meal. He don't like havin' the milk poored through the door; he gets all pissy like a baby an starts hollerin' about the smell, but he's gotta have his nutrients, so I continue to do it. Soon as the outbreakin' gets off of his face, Reuben says we'll let 'em out, but I dunno, I kinda like have only one brother 'round to beat the hell out of me and kick me outta my sack in the mournin'. Uncle Thom come over yester and asked what the hell was we doin' to that boy, an we did our bestest to explain how he's got a contajous disease and he needs to be isolated. Uncle Thom just shook his head and called us idots and dropped off his eggs like he does every other day. We sure as hell get called idots a lot. But were not stupod.

Now I gotta tell ya'll, that date I had the other day went right as rain. We's went down to the Ponderosa and gots the buffet, and I tell ya I ate about twenty of thouse rubbery steaks they have, an' me girl Lila ate a whole bunch of maceroni, so much that I think they got a little mad at us, 'cuz she kept going back an getting thirds and fourths. Afters we went to a special place, a bar called da Angry Bear. I get my weed in the back alley, but that's not we we's went theres. They had a band playin' on the stage, I think they were called Penis Envy, or somethin' like that. It was a bunch of womens that looked like men; I think one of 'em had a beard, and they were real angry and playin' somethin' fierce on dere guitars. One of 'em was like five feet tall an' had glasses on an a sweater vest, an' she kept whippin' her hair back in forth like that Will Smith song written by Neil Young. She was possessed by da music, is what I'm sayin', an' I started hee-hawin' 'cuz she was kinda funny with her rockin' and rollin'. We danced in a circle an I did the shimmy and the stutter step. I figure Lila had a good time, 'cuz she gave me a blowy in the parkin' lot afters, but you can't always tell wit some women.

Heres a pic of Neil Young lookin' kinda like my Uncle Thom when he was young and on cocaine.

Well my boss Sammy made me go to the farmers' market da other day even though we ain't got nothin' to sell but some old moldy apples from yester year. At teh markets in the city there ain't nobody 'round this time of year, but dere was a guy dressed up as Mr. Redlegs an' it was somethin' terrible, lemme tell ya. Mr. Redlegs has a gigantic head like da moon, and he got big soulless eyes that look down in ta the depths of your heart an' I swear he knows all, just like da devil. I don't like his grin; he looks like he's planning something, an' that somethin' involves dicin' you up and feedin' you to teh coons. He came over to me and picked up an apple an' just held it dere, starin' at me like he was thinkin' about smashin' it against my head. "Take it!" I scream at 'em and he just stands dere wit that horrible grin and mustache, an' I swear he smelled like beer. He don't say nothin', he just keeps standin' dere for what seems like forevers, so I close my eyes and pray an' when I open them he's gone. I don't know why the Reds hire him, 'cuz he's gotta be the most evil thing in the whole wide world.

Don't look at 'em too long our he'll take your soul!

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