Sunday, June 8, 2014

Ask a Meathead: Conan Brothers Q&A

You can bet this guy isn't a men's rights activist.

FeministsRNazis asks "What do you guys think of the men's rights movement? Seems like something you'd get behind."

Dave: We don't get behind anything.

Arnold: Unless it's willing.

Dave: Have you ever seen any of these guys who advocate for men's rights? They're either fat, have a neck beard, or look like a child molester. And everything is feminism's fault.

Arnold: You can't find a parking space? Blame feminism. Got arrested for being a peeping tom? Blame feminism. Pooped your pants in a public place? God damn feminists.

Dave: A man should be able to poop his pants wherever he pleases without fear of repercussions.

Arnold: If you have to bitch about women oppressing you, then you are a pussy.

Dave: That goes back to what I was saying. The men's rights movement seems to attract the kinds of guys who can't get a date, and who won't acknowledge the fact that they're completely undateable.

Arnold: The poor of hygiene. The socially maladroit. Bronies.

Dave: Part of being a masculine man is taking responsibility for your actions, as well as who you are. It's not feminism's fault no woman will have sex with you. It's your fault because you are disgusting.

Arnold: We don't hate women, folks. I think that's what the men's rights movement boils down to.

Dave: We love women. We are lovers of women.

Arnold: Yes, we all know you're a real Don Juan.

...

FitnessForever asks "What about Crossfit? I'm thinking about joining a box."

Dave: What's he doing with a box?

Arnold: That's what they call Crossfit gyms, for some unfathomable reason.

Dave: We don't know a lot about Crossfit, other than gym membership is expensive, and the workouts are retarded.

Arnold: Hey, keep it PC, Dave. Or don't. I don't care.

Dave: Supersetting twenty rep sets of deadlifts with power snatches seems like a good way to kill yourself.

Arnold: Now you're being a pussy.

Dave: I'm all for going all out in the gym. But I also want to walk out of there under my own power.

Arnold: Yeah, I don't think you'll get very strong doing Crossfit. Might get really skinny and injured, but you need low reps and heavy weights to grow.

Dave: Plus, gyms in general are dumb. There usually isn't enough free weights, and some asshole will be curling in the squat rack, and people give you strange looks for deadlifting on the floor.

Arnold: People are intimidated by your animal magnetism. It scares them when you scream.

Dave: You can buy more weights than you can lift at a used sporting goods store, and build your own gym for under four-hundred bucks.

Arnold: A lot of people like the social aspect of a gym. They don't like to exercise by themselves.

Dave: Other people just get in the way.

Arnold: Now who's socially maladroit?
...

SquatQueen asks "What is the best lift? When people ask how strong your are, what do you cite? Your bench press? Your squat?"

Dave: There is no best lift. All lifts are created equal under the Lord.

Arnold: I consider the squat, deadlift, bench press, and overhead press to be the primary lifts. You have to do these, or at least some variation of them. The squat displays leg strength, the deadlift back strength, the bench total upper body power, and the press is just a man maker. You could throw in weighted chins, bent-over rows, or a power movement like cleans, but every thing else is just assistance.

Dave: In the popular imagination, the bench press is probably the best lift.

Arnold: But when people ask you what you bench, they have no idea what is good.

Dave: I usually tell them one-thousand pounds. No one's impressed.

Arnold: Pressing from a prone position is boring. I like to stand when I lift. Just like when I pee.

Dave: You sit when you pee!

Arnold: I most certainly will not!

Dave: That's why our toilet is disgusting. You have the aim of a four-year-old.

...

DisgustingManlet asks "Have you seen the new x-men movie? Hugh Jackman is jacked, amirite?"

Dave: More like Hugh Jackedman. 

Arnold: Yeah, he's pretty impressive, especially considering his age, and the fact that he's a pretty good actor, and not a bodybuilder.

Dave: Next people will want to know what his routine is.

Arnold: He did Crossfit, Dave. It's obvious. 

Dave: Crossfit is the only way. It's the one true religion.

Arnold: There is no one true religion when it comes to lifting weights. Just brutally hard work, often followed by sweat and blood.

Dave: This is why we can't go to a gym. Arnold bleeds all over the place.

Arnold: No, it's because of feminism.

Dave: Oh yeah, I forgot.

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