Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Performing an Exorcism Pt 2

You ain't fooling nobody, Trent, I'm gonna beat your ass.

So I gotta admit, I was kind of a jabroni yesterday in not finishing my guide to performing an exorcism. Finding Bigfoot was on, and I gotta keep up with the latest research, though, I tell ya'll, I think that Bobo dude is really a bigfoot in disguise, there's no other explanation for how that dude acts and probably smells. But anyways, I don't like to leave a bro hanging. So let's get all hypothetical on your ass and lay out a possible, nay, probable, scenario. You've got your candles, your ancient bible, a solid bro complete with a boom box playing the Funky Bunch, and you got one possessed chick all writhing on the ground like she's an Olympic gymnast ready to get down and dirty. "Why's it a chick?" I can hear ya feminists asking. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Gertrude, but chicks are more prone to demonic possession because of their periods and shit. This ain't something I'm making up; remember when I said demons are basically second class bros? They're always looking to bring more little jabronis into the world, and since chicks can get pregnant, that makes them prime targets for demonic possession. So let's start where I left off.

Step four: don't INITIALLY bang the possessed. I can hear ya'll bitching about this one. "What, Gordy? Why would we get nasty with a possessed chick?" Well, this ain't the Exorcist, brothas, these girls aren't peeing out green pea soup and twisting their heads around. You see, the demon wants your seed so it can fuck it up and make a Daemon kid who'll command rottweilers and grow up to be the president. So that possessed chick will be showing her boobs and twisting around, and doing her damnest to get in your pants. I don't care how hot she is (with the possible exception of Elizabeth Banks, damn, I'd sire a whole race of jabronis with her), you gotta keep it in your jeans, which is a challenge for all bros, I know. But ya gotta be strong, son. Exorcisms are hard shit.
Step five: perform the ritual. So, you gotta put it all together now. Get your solid bro to hold down the demon possessed chick. Arrange the candles in a pentagram (BOOM, BETCHA DIDN'T EXPECT THAT, RIGHT?), light said candles, play the Funky Bunch (Good Vibrations), and read from the old ass bible. By now, the possessed babe should be screaming and hollering and probably yelling all kinds of crap about rape (demons love to throw that shit at you). You should have two sparklers in your hands now. Light that shit up and draw a cross in the air. That'll piss her off even more, and she might start trying to seduce your solid bro with her boobs, but he's gotta be strong. Now you gotta turn up the Funky Bunch and start dancing. "What!?" I hear ya'll saying. Yeah, you gotta lay it down like you're at prom and your date will only sleep with you after she sees your bad ass moves. Demons are helpless before the power of dance; few know this, but dancing is God's gift to us to fight evil.

Step six: BOOM YOU'RE DONE, SON. That babe should be demon free now, so if she wants to get down, you should be game. Don't leave your solid bro out of the action, though. Normally, I'd advise against a threesome, since that's some French shit, but after an exorcism, anything's cool. YOU HEAR THAT, ART? THERE'S NO REASON TO BE AFRAID. Until next time, internet.

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