Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Performing an Exorcism, Pt 1

Hollywood has no idea what they're talking about.

After the rousing success of the Bigfoot guide, I thought I would do everyone a solid and lay down the knowledge once again. Keep note, bros and broettes, an exorcism is the real deal, and no pretenders should mess around with demons and evil spirits, 'cuz if you don't know what you're doing, that's a good way to screw your life up something awful. My boy Trent didn't know the first thing about exorcisms, but like an idiot, he tried to summon up beelzebub like a jabroni, and all of a sudden he's got Crohn's disease, and can't do anything without shitting his pants. That's the thing with demons: they get a kick out of making your life miserable. They fuck with your bowels, your game (Jesus, I won't go into this one), and even your finances. I knew a guy who messed up a ritual, and there goes his 401k and any hope of retirement. So this guide is for all of you out there that have a demon problem, but don't got no sense of how to handle it.

Step one: identify your demon. Hop on the internet and purchase yourself a good book on demonology. Demonology was a big thing in the middle ages; unfortunately, we're too close-minded a society to accept that THEY LIVE AMONG US. Imagine one of your second class bros. Take a look at said bro. I'm gonna bet that he's fat, and that he's wearing Insane Clown Posse makeup. He probably has no money and no job. He usually forces his way over to your pad, and chases off any ladies or hood rats you've managed to meet. He smells like an outhouse, and won't quit talking about that time in Call of Duty when he killed ten dudes in a row. This is what your average demon is like. He's a second class bro, easily amused and annoying as fuck. Figure out who he/she is so that you can get him the fuck out of your house.

Step two: bring a solid bro. Just like with Bigfoot, you need a solid bro around you during an exorcism at all times. Demons fear the strength of the bro-union, and they're weaker around a strapping young dude in J.Crew. Make sure your bro has something silver to wail on the spirit in case it's a ghost, though if it's a demon (and most nasty spirits are demons), you're pretty much fucked. A boom box is a must, demon or spirit; both hate the sweet grooves of Marky-Mark and the Funky Bunch, so have your bro bring one and carry it around at all times like a boss.

Step three: scented candles and a bible. BOOM YOU JUST GOT SCHOOLED, SON. Scented candles and the word of our Lord are the primary tools to sending that demon back to hell with all the other jabronis. I've found that apple cider scented candles are just about the best. It helps to have a very old bible, because just like vampires, the older a bible is, the more powerful it is. Just flip through and read some random words in the middle of all your candles. Choose a passage that's boss like Sam Jackson from Pulp Fiction. Actually, just memorize his lines.

I'll give ya'll part two real soon, so hopefully you're not possessed and in need of further knowledge. If you are, contact the Hillsdale Paranormal Society through the proper channels. I'M NOT PUTTING MY NUMBER ON THE NET LIKE A FOOL so use your brain and remain sane. STAY CLASSY, INTERNET.

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