Sunday, June 15, 2014

The Esteemed Critic Critiques Fathers' Day Gifts

This, my friends, is not art.

It is that time of year again when the greeting card companies deign to make us feel guilty for being spawned, and so we must scurry about and discover something appropriate to present to our sire, despite whatever role he may have in continuing the patriarchy (Dad, I'm looking at you). Surely many of you have put little to no thought in your gift purchases; you see a talking plastic bass and you think "Dad has to have that," and this is why your father loathes the very sight of you, you terrible disappointment. But really, when we get down to it, all sons and daughters are disappointments to their fathers, simply because children are nothing more than vessels for which one can project all their failed dreams and aspirations. But I digress. Let us take a look at some of the gifts I suspect you of buying for your dad this Fathers' Day.


The above article of clothing is the first image that popped up after I searched Amazon.com for Fathers' Day gifts, which is what I know most of you will do. This shirt says it all: you are lazy, you cannot compose a complete sentence, and your father would've been better off proceeding with his original plan and having you aborted. In short, purchase this shirt for Dad along with a tie, a package of socks, and a note that says you are the worst thing he has ever created in his entire life.


Here you go, you degenerates. Here's a book written for children, with a nice saccharine message, and you have the audacity to present it to your father as some sort of "touching" gift that shows you really "care." Well, you don't. Amazon.com has failed you again, and now there's nothing you can do to make your father love you.

Whiskey stones are reusable cooling cubes, invented by some degenerate who thought ice had outlived its usefulness to modern society. If your father drinks whiskey at such a rate that he's running out of ice, then perhaps this is a considerate gift, although it may serve you better to contemplate why your father is drinking so much and what role you might play in his severe alcoholism.


Please, for the love of god, do not buy this movie, either for you or your father. Billy Cristal's career has amounted to his appearance in City Slickers; the man is a terrible comedian, and should be condemned to rot in prison for his crimes against humanity. Similarly, Robin Williams hasn't produced anything of note since Misses Doubtfire, and that film's simplistic exploration of the marginalization of the American male in modern society has not aged very well, to say the least. I have not seen Fathers' Day, but I imagine it to present a crass message, furthered by its two incompetent leads and a script that was probably cobbled together by a disgruntled chimpanzee who later went ape-shit and murdered much of the cast.


Amazon suggests another children's book for your father, proving my hypothesis that Amazon hates you and your beleaguered sire. Is your father a child? Does he like Star Wars, especially when said property is presented to him in an easy-to-read format? Judging from the cover art, this volume seems to take extreme liberties with Star Wars' story, though let's be honest, there wasn't much there to begin with. We see Vader at a kitchen table, clad in his armor, proceeding in the humiliating task of tea time, a catatonic Ewok to his left, an adolescent Princess Lea smiling from across the table. You, the author, and society are all degenerates. Is your father a degenerate? He produced you, and so the answer must be yes.

Ah, here is something your father can really use. According to the item description, this is a seat belt cutter and "emergency escape tool." It should come in handy when your father decides he's had enough of your inane babblings. Reaching over with his new gift, he severs the metaphysical tie between you and him, correcting his penultimate mistake. When the telephone pole rises up before you like a totem of doom, you think back to whether or not you could have prevented your death, had you only thought a little more about what to get good ol' Dad for Fathers' Day.

No comments:

Post a Comment