It's been a long while, bros and broettes, but Gordy Weaver is back to warn ya'll not to befuddle your brains and take a trip to hell, by which I mean the Republican National Convention, which is being held on a mass grave of mancubi in North Carolina. Remember: the best way to prevent getting burned is to not put your dick in the fire. So don't pull a Trump and take a dump on your life. If for some terrible reason you must go (either because you're being forced by gunpoint or you just want to watch the world burn), here are some excellent tips to prevent your person from being devoured by Kelly Anne Conway or any other water hag.
Numero uno: Stay away from the armed Karen's and their playthings. Remember that creepy St. Louis couple who pulled machine guns on protesters marching past their house? The woman had one of those tiny guns James Bond keeps in his pants, and the dude was waving an AR-15 around like he was holding a super soaker. Those people are welcomed speakers at the RNC. You might as well be an ass and assume that every middle aged white person there (99 percent of attendees) is armed and dangerous. A scamp like myself wouldn't last a minute. Mouth off to the wrong Karen and her husband might decide you was infringing on their right to be sociopathic dumb asses. So keep to yourself, if you value your meat suit.
Numero dos: Never criticize the Donald. The 2020 Republican Party exists only to reelect Donald Trump. They didn't even bother to change the Party platform between 2016 and 2020, which is crazy, because it seems like a lot has happened in the last four years, you know, like the pandemic and subsequent economic free fall. Anyways, this might seem strange to outsiders, but Republicans basically consider Donald Trump to be Jesus now. In their eyes, Agent Orange is a tough Adonis fighting the good fight against Antifa and baby-killing Dems out to burn down the suburbs and outlaw church. When I look at Donald Trump, I see a morbidly obese narcissist who has forcibly pawed more pussy than the neighborhood cat strangler. You know what we do to cat stranglers in Hillsdale? We elect them to city council. Bad example. What I'm trying to say is, don't say to your captor "Man, the Donald's looking a little constipated today," or "I can't believe he had the hypocrisy to say that," because the whole gang's likely to come down on your ass with a Natty-style beatdown. Don't look it up. You were warned.
Numero tres: Don't go looking for any tail. Look, I don't know why you'd want to get with a Nazi, but maybe you possess antiquated notions of what the modern GOP is. First off, half of these chicks are vampires, and they ain't hiding it well, and the other half are sasquatch/reptilian hybrids. The former aren't your sexy Blade vampires--they're more like mosquitoes that have taken human form. As for the latter, I have it from a very good source (Trent) that sex with a sasquatch/reptilian is similar to sex with a grizzly bear, so if you like it rough and possibly fatal, more power to you.
Numero quatro: Don't let Ted Cruz catch you alone. Ted Cruz feeds on solitude and uncomfortableness. Don't do him the favor of wandering off by your lonesome. Old Cruz's killing days may be in the past, or they may not. The signs of the Zodiac are strange and unfathomable. Plus the dude smells like old beans and he's a legit perv. No Ted, I don't want to go hang out in the women's restroom with you. You gotta be firm. Stay strong.
So that's that. Do what I initially suggested and just skip the whole RNC. Your brain and your life will thank you for it.
Yeah, I'm sure this guy never sniffed a pair of underwear.
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