Muh Freedoms!

Hello, this is Karen. I just want to tell everyone why I shouldn't have to wear a mask during a pandemic that has killed over a hundred thousand people. I have a lot of reasons, but the first and most important is the Constitution. The Constitution gives me the power to do whatever I want, even if it means hurting people with my negligence. Don't ask me for a specific Article or whatever; I don't know nothing about specifics. Specifics are for Communists and people who hate the American Dream.

Second reason is that a mask interferes with my ability to breath. It is uncomfortable to wear a mask, and I will not be inconvenienced. I don't care if your store requires a mask; once again, the Constitution gives me the Freedom to enter into any business at any time (as a white person). This is America; I don't have to do what you tell me. Wearing a mask makes my face all sweaty and I start to break out. I don't want to do it. You can't make me.

Third reason is Fuck You. Don't Trample On My Freedoms! America is about doing whatever the fuck you want, consequences be damned. America is about not giving a shit about other Americans. I'm not going to get the coronavirus; I just know I won't, and even if I do get it I'll be fine. If I will be fine, then I don't care what happens to you. Freedom to be selfish is the most important American freedom to protect. I don't care what the science says, because I don't care about science.

Does Trump wear a mask? Hell no! He's a man, and men especially shouldn't wear masks because masks trample all over their masculine virility. My husband doesn't wear a mask; he also doesn't cover his mouth when he coughs or wash his hands, because Fuck You, that's why. He also showed up to the statehouse armed with an AR-15 dressed in combat gear that barely covered his three-hundred pound bulk. He did it to protest the tyranny of caring about others. You can't make us care about you. We have Freedom on our side. What do you have on yours? Hippy bullshit and goddamn science. What a foundation on which to build a country.

So the next time you call security to pull me out of the entryway of a Whole Foods, think about how you're violating my Freedom to be as big an asshole as I want to be. We won't put up with it. God Bless America.