Friday, May 8, 2015

The Esteemed Critic Reviews The Avengers: Age of Ultron

What a sorry lot of miscreants.

Dear reader, it should be known that the Critic detests comic book movies, especially those of the Marvel Universe. Superhero fantasies are juvenile and often lack true conflict. These men (and they are almost all men) gain extraordinary power through random machinations (truly; no one ever earns their powers) and then somehow always come out of any scrape without so much as a scratch, because no one ever dies in comic books, or comic book movies. So the viewer is treated to a two-hour video game, where invulnerable cartoons pummel each other to no effect, and the whole result is a dreary, boring mess. Marvel movies, in particular, are guilty of these transgressions; the audience knows there is going to be a sequel, and another, and another, so Captain Underpants is going to live and come out okay, no matter how seemingly dire the circumstances are, because they have like fifty more movies to make, remember. Though the Critic must admit some admiration for Marvel, considering how they made blockbuster after blockbuster with lesser superheros like Iron Man and Thor, Sony still possessing the rights to Spider-man, and Fox the rights to X-Men. But no matter; let us get down to business.

The main problem with the Avengers: Age of Ultron is that it makes our heroes look like fascists nitwits. Ultron, their robot nemesis, is an advanced AI cobbled together by Bruce Banner and Tony Stark to protect the world. Of course, he malfunctions and concludes that humanity needs to die, because we're all killers, the Avengers most especially. Billions of dollars later, Ultron is defeated, yet an entire city has been destroyed and countless people killed or exiled from their home. Great job, Avengers. You'd expect a war trial for at least Stark and Banner, considering the entire thing was their fault, yet instead Shield (the agency that oversees the Avengers) gets a new headquarters and every thing is fine and dandy. This is a world where the Hulk can rampage through a city like a natural disaster and no one bats an eye. Instead of coming off as superheroes, the Avengers come across as supervillains. Ultron was right; these people are nothing but killers.

But maybe the Critic should ignore all that. "Turn your brain off!" is advice frequently given to viewers of summer blockbusters. The Critic can't do such a thing, dear reader, because the Critic is about as fun as a bag of rocks. Maybe you'll enjoy the goofy banter between our "heroes." The Critic thought the dialogue was typical of Joss Whedon's writing; sophomoric, indistinct. Everyone is a bitchy teenage girl. The action sequences are a blur of CGI constructions; the Critic couldn't tell who was getting clobbered by whom. Small comfort that we'll have about a dozen sequels. Well go ahead, America. Continue to watch the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Go see Ant Man. Watch Thor 3: The Lugubriousness continues. Be content with your drivel, for that is what they are feeding you. I will be watching low-budget French Surrealism. And that makes me better than you.

No comments:

Post a Comment