Friday, May 15, 2015

Scientific Inaccuracies in the Jurassic Park Series


People are complaining about the various scientific inaccuracies in the upcoming Jurassic World movie as though the original films were one-hundred percent paleontologist-approved. The Jurassic Park series has always taken liberties with their dinos. Here is a brief list containing the most egregious examples.

1. Velociraptors were not as large as depicted in the films.

2. Tyrannosaurus couldn't keep up with a jeep, unless given a massive amount of performance enhancing drugs.

3. Gymnastics can't kill dinosaurs. Only asteroids can.

4. Jeff Goldblum is not a mathematician, as far as I know. He can rock a leather suit like a bad motherfucker, though.

5. Jesus does not make an appearance in any of the films, which, according to Christian theology, is scientifically ridiculous. Everyone knows Jesus rode a Triceratops straight into heaven.

6. Most of the dinosaurs featured in the film lived during the Cretaceous period, not the Jurassic.

7. Dilophosaurus was much larger than in Jurassic Park, and it didn't have a cobra frill, nor did it spit poison. It did have a taste for obese men, however.

8. Sam Neil and Laura Dern are underrated actors and I just want everyone to know that and support them in whatever they choose to do.

9. Tyrannosaurus wouldn't eat a filthy lawyer, especially if said lawyer was pooping. T-Rex doesn't eat poop.

10. Chris Pratt does not know how to talk to raptors, though he does know a talking raccoon, if you can call Bradly Cooper that.

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11. Velociraptors were probably not smart enough to open doors. They totally would've eaten those annoying kids, though.

12. The cloning technique depicted in the films is impossible. They only things we can clone are sheep and Jurassic Park movies.

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