Thursday, August 28, 2014

Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Demonic Curses, Pt. 2

Tbh, demons are pretty gross dudes.

So awhile back I wrote part one of a guide to demonic curses as a major favor to all you bros and broettes out there who're having trouble with some queer demon, maybe summoned by that creepy goth guy down the street (looking at you, Gary) who's messing with black magic like a major jabroni, and whose car you keyed because, let's face it, goths can go suck a big ol' wenis. I went through the various types of demons, of which there are many, and now I'm gonna tell you how to get rid of them. Regardless of type, the process for ridding oneself of a demon is pretty much the same. You gotta bring them Good Vibrations in, along with some quality booze and quality bros and quality holy water. So let's get down to business.

1. Give the afflicted person a CD of positive vibe type music. Don't be pawning off your old Limp Bizkit shit on them; demons love the Bizkit, Fred Durst being the sort of asshole that'll probably become a rape demon after he dies. Beach Boys, select Funky Bunch, Journey (with Steve Perry), Burt motherfucking Bacharach--these will work, since demons hate any sense of melody in their tunes, and the aforementioned dudes have the power of God on their side. You don't think God had a hand in writing "Don't Stop Believing?" Shit, son, get your mind in gear and look at the evidence right in front of you. Anyways, have them start playing that music immediately.

2. Get the afflicted fucking shit-faced. In fact, everyone should be shit-faced. Premium stuff, bros and broettes. Now, the cynics out there might be asking "Why the hell do all of your guides involve music and drinking, Gordy?" Well, dumb-asses, that's because the powers of evil hate you having a good time. Shit's like NyQuil to your insomnia. So get everybody drunk, because you're less susceptible to demonic influence when you got your buzz on like Donkey Kong, who was the incorrigible drunk of the Nintendo universe.

3. Build a big-ass bonfire. The perceptive among ya'll might be noticing that I'm basically giving you the recipe for a kick-ass party. Ain't no coincidences, Bob Dylan--demons hate a good time. You need to build yourself a giant bonfire that'll put all those Texas A&M weirdos to shame. Burn down an old barn or something. Make sure to invite that goth kid you think waylaid you with the curse, 'cuz we'll fix that jabroni, yes sir.

The goddamn cat looks embarrassed. Don't embarrass your cats, bros.

4. Begin the transfer of the curse. Get your bros to hold down that goth kid and pour holy water all over the son of a bitch--you got some holy water, right? While he's squirming and threatening to call down the power of Beelzebub, get the afflicted, who should be wasted by now, and have them kiss the goth dude. Yeah, this part's pretty weird, but you gotta smooch that mfer in order to transfer the demon on their ass. Don't kiss them on the mouth, though, 'cuz a lot of these goth types have herpes.

5. Fucking tear ass outta there. The goth dude will probably be spouting all sorts of nonsense about rape and assault, so everybody probably oughta get outta there before the cops show up. It ain't cool to have that shit on your rap sheet; God knows Art and Trent would be working better jobs. But Hillsdale Paranormal Society's gonna do what a paranormal society's gonna do. It's all part of the job, brothas.

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