Thursday, August 7, 2014

The Consummate Politician Apologizes

Greetings, constituents. My advisers tell me that it is important for me to refer to you as such so as to remind myself that at least some of you will be voting. A whopping fifteen percent, they estimate. Congratulations, people. Get out there and vote.

My reason for addressing you all today is to apologize for pictures I may or may not have texted various women. These pictures may or may not have been of my penis. I'd like to add that I'm disappointed that these women decided to disregard my privacy. A dick pic is a solemn bond between two individuals. It is a private matter, and what is this country coming to if we cannot exchange blurry pictures of our genitals without the fear of incrimination? I wonder what the Founding Fathers would have to say on this matter. I assure you that they would have supported my position unanimously.

Also, I have to wonder if I am truly to blame in this matter. Sure, I instigated the texting. Sure, many of my remarks were of a crude nature. But what sort of signals were these women sending with their boobs and vaginas? If I can't walk by and help but notice your rack, maybe, ladies, you should wear a burqa or something. Men are wired to seek out multiple sexual partners. I have told my long-suffering wife Christina this many times, and though I must ask her once again to excuse my behavior and potential infidelity, I ask her this: Is it really my fault? Maybe if you indulged in a threesome every once in a while, I wouldn't have to resort to texting random women dick pics. Maybe if you catered to my more obscure sexual needs, I wouldn't have to do whatever it is they say I did. Allegedly.

Maybe we should all open our minds just a little bit. Back in the nineteenth century, a man was allowed to have a mistress. The bonds of Christian matrimony didn't hold him back from enjoying himself. It's sad today to think that we have less freedom than our ancestors. Instead of castigating me for my promiscuousness, maybe I should be celebrated as a trailblazer. After all, there were plenty of people who criticized Martin Luther King. Like Jesus said, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." Let's look inward here, people.

Actually, I think it's good that people are holding me to a high moral standard instead of reviewing my politics with a scrutinizing eye. I just cut police funding by twenty-five percent, but everyone's pissed about a couple dick pics. Education funding has plummeted during my tenure, but nobody's focused on that. My advisers tell me that this alleged incident which may or may not have happened multiple times could, if I spin it right, make me more relatable. I'm just an average Joe like yourselves. You send dick pics, I may or may not have sent a few dick pics. At the end of the day we all plop down and have a couple beers and watch the football game.

So remember, everyone, get out there and vote. Vote for the guy just like you, because you would be awesome at politics. Vote for me. Vote for America.

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