Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Least Interesting Man in the World

Morning, strangers. How's your cup of joe treatin' ya? I know I can't start the day without drinking a pot of coffee. I like it black, no cream or sugar. Don't need none of that funny business. No siree.

Had myself a pizza last night. I ordered it from Papa John's. It was a cheese pizza, medium size. A pizza for one, basically. Kinda depressing when you think about it. Say, who do you think invented the pizza? Was it some Italian fella? Funny how we don't know who invented the pizza, yet we remember Thomas Edison and Alexander Graham Bell. Food inventors are the great unsung heroes of history. Now I'm wondering who invented tacos, spaghetti, Chinese food. Hah, got you on that last one. The Chinese invented Chinese food. Or so I believe.

Do you ever find yourself questioning your whole existence? Like, for example, why exactly am I here, at this very place, in this very meat suit? Why am I this good-looking guy instead of that good-looking girl walking down the street? You know, folks, sometimes you ask good questions but you don't get any answers.

My neighbor was weedwacking the sidewalk yesterday. He was very particular about it. He kicked up a whole bunch of dirt and now the grass looks dead and scalped. I thought about going outside and telling him that he was just making it look worse. Sometimes you try too hard and it ends up backfiring on you.

My boss told me that I am walking a thin red line. If I misstep once, I'm gone, fired, laid-off, out on the street like a bum. Also, he apparently finds my good-natured cheer irritating. What kinda thing is that to say to a guy? Would he rather I mope around, sullen and downcast like Larry the office drug addict? I don't even know if I could mope if I tried, and believe me, sometimes I feel like moping. Sometimes I feel like I'm the most depressing human being alive.

I asked Linda from accounting out on a date. She gave me what can best be described as a tentative yes. I'm looking up a movie right now as we speak, trying to find a flick that would appeal to both of us. I look at these movie names and they all seem the same. What restaurant should I take her to? What should I say when we get there? My ex says that I need to cut out the inane conversation. Isn't all of conversing inane? Have you ever really had a good conversation with someone? Sometimes I watch insects interact with each other. One always ends up eating the other. Is God trying to tell us something?

Well, time to have another cup of coffee. Here's to wishing ya'll a nice day. Hopefully it'll be a notable day, unlike all the rest. Hopefully you'll remember something special.

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