Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Demonic Curses, Part One

Yo, it ain't right to do that do a cat.

Bros and broettes, today we're gonna discuss a contentious subject. It is not the policy of the Hillsdale Paranormal Society to deal in black magic--though I assure ya'll that my homie Trent is more than capable of casting a spell or two, in real life or in your favorite RPG--but it's come to my attention that more and more people are suffering from the effects of punk-ass bitches who think it's funny to plague somebody's house with locusts or a rape demon (yes, they are real; Art was violated by one in college). So this guide is gonna tell ya'll how to deal with that shit, though don't be afraid to pick up the phone and give us a call. We charge one-hundred bucks an hour, with a money back guarantee, so don't be a jabroni and bite off more than you can chew, so to speak.

First off, figure out what sort of beastie ails you. This is where having a demonologist like myself available comes in handy. Is there some sort of invisible monster outside you window, hanging out in the trees? That's easy, it's the Predator (motherfucker is real, though he don't have a pussy crabface in real life). Are you hearing growls and suffering from mysterious scratches? Could be a rape demon (keep your butthole tight). Here's a quick list of some common demons and how to ID them. P.S. Print this shit out and memorize it.

1. Beelzebub--AKA "Lord of the Flies." If there's a real bad fly problem in your house, and you've taken out the garbage, it might be this dude. Usually you'll smell farts coming from weird places, like a closet or the oven. Watch out for crawling meat--this guy must've seen Poltergeist because he loves to play this trick on unsuspecting bros. Hates the Funky Bunch, so watch what music you play around him, unless you want to smell like farts.
2. Old Deuteronomy--AKA "Fat Pussy." Okay, so I guess it's best to disclose that I've named a bunch of these demons after characters in Cats, namely because it's my favorite movie and demons hate it. This shithead will make you bloated by amassing the negative humors in your body. If you've been constipated for a month and you're chugging down Activia like it's Natty Light, then I bet this dude's crawled up your asshole.

3. Rum Tum Tugger--AKA "Rape Demon." Okay, so these are bad. They apparently have a foot fetish, so if something invisible keeps touching your toes and getting them sticky with ghost jizz (ectoplasm), then this jabroni is haunting your house. Dude likes to put confusing sexual imagery in your brain while you sleep. The smell of Axe Body Spray is omnipresent, so if you haven't put any on and your bros aren't packing, invest in a buttplug until you can get some help.

4. Mr. Mistoffelees--AKA "Mephistopheles." This motha is both a Cats character and a real demon! Ain't no coincidences, bros and broettes. This guy usually appears as a pimp who tries to get you to sell your soul and all of your cash for a night with one of his overweight hoes. Not worth it, in my opinion.

5. Rumpus Cat--AKA "The Krumpus." Only appears at Christmas, usually as a drunken mall Santa. Will try to touch your wiener, will not respond to repeated shocks from a taser. Call us ASAP.

6. Jeanene--AKA "My Ex." This chick will act like your girl, but then cheat on you with a house of frat boys while stealing your credit cards and going on a shopping spree. Don't call her back. She ain't worth it.

Okay, so that's a much abbreviated list. There are literally hundreds of demons out there, but these six rear their ugly heads the most often. I'll be back with the rest of the guide as soon as I can, so keep hitting that refresh button, bros. I gotta get that ad money.

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