Friday, August 1, 2014

Conan Brothers Q&A

This was the guy who invented beer, apparently. Looks a little square, kind of like a serial killer.

UrWatUDrink asks "What type of alcoholic beverages do you guys' prefer? Or does drinking mess up ur gainz?"

Arnold: If you have to ask, then something is terribly wrong.

Dave: Drink, motherfucker, drink!

Arnold: Binge drinking will affect your hormonal levels, but everything returns to normal quickly, unless you drink your ass off every night.

Dave: Wasn't Doug Hepburn an alcoholic?

Arnold: Yeah, I think so. For those who don't know, Hepburn was a club-footed weightlifting champion back in the days when you had to be a bad-ass even if you had a club foot. So not today, is what I'm saying.

Dave: But back to the initial question. We like beer, wine, and whiskey. But mostly beer because it's cheap and blue-color, like ourselves.

Arnold: All hail the proletariat!

Dave: High-Life is my beer of choice, because I'm a cheap bastard, but I like Shiner Bock, Yuengling, and various microbrews.

Arnold: Have you noticed beer is the new music? By which I mean beer is the new subject hipsters like to obsess over? Like, who gives a shit, hipsters. Fucking get drunk and fuck stuff up.

Dave: I met a hipster the other day. He was a sweet man.

Arnold: Did you propose to him?

Dave: He had a mustache, and although it was impressive, I'm not in to facial hair. Usually, my women don't have any.

Arnold: That's just because they shave their faces.

Haha, what is this asshole doing? That's the most fucking ironic shirt I've ever seen.

BadLiftGoodeLift asks "What assistance exercises should I be doing? I'm already doing curls, triceps pushdowns, calf raises, and bent over laterals for the rear delts. What do you guys recommend?"

Arnold: Dudes are always obsessing over the rear delts like they're about to enter the Olympia.

Dave: If you're doing pulls, presses, and squats four times a week, I'd just do basic assistance like upper back work (chin-ups, rows) and barbell curls. Pushdowns are fine, but I'd keep most assistance work light and perform higher reps. Assistance is meant to fill in the gaps. Now, if you have specific goals in mind...

Arnold: They never do.

Dave: But if you did, you might need to add certain exercises. Olympic weightlifters are going to need front squats and power variations of the main lifts. Powerlifters might need stiff leg deadlifts and high bar squats. Bodybuilders need all sorts of shit. A newbie, however, doesn't need to fuck around that much. Over time, you'll know when you need to add assistance work.

Arnold: The moon will turn red and eclipse the sun, and the lion will lie down with the ox.

Dave: Yeah, like I said, you will know.
Shit, this is how Dave does all of his dates.

IgotsWood asks "Playas, help a homie out and gives some advice so that I can get laid. I ain't got no game."

Arnold: He has wood but no game? That's basically Friday night for you, Dave, isn't it?"

Dave: Yeah.

Arnold: Let's give some genuine advice, since this column has become Ann Landers. First off, when approaching a woman, scream as loudly as you can. They love that shit. Beat your chest too, just like a gorilla. Be prepared to throw your feces--anthropologists confirm that this age-old technique still works on human females.

Dave: This one weird trick.

Arnold: They like to pay for everything. Let them get the movie tickets, the restaurant bill. Make sure to order the most expensive thing on the menu. Make sure to talk only about yourself, since women like self-confident men, and what do self-confident men do? They toot their own horn. They sing their own praises.

Dave: Though it helps if you bring a male friend to do the singing for you.

Arnold: Yeah, preferably someone who can bust a rhyme or two. There's nothing quite so romantic as being serenaded by a Flava Flav lookalike while you scream at your date with a mouthful of lobster.

Dave: That sounds like an awesome date.

Arnold: We can't afford lobster, Dave, otherwise I'd take you out.

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