Hanging with the Goon

Deres my boss, ol' Sammy, drinkin' 'em some shine on da farm.

Mornin' to ya'll on dis brightest of days. Its been a rough week, considerin' how much work I's been doings on da farm, mowin' and pickin' da apples and da peaches in da hot summer sun wit nothin' but my overalls to keep all da biting flies off of my skin (boy do 'em bit dis year). Hernando was tellin' me dat I look like dat Charlie Brown character, da one dat always has a cloud of buggies buzzin' around 'em cuz he smells and is filthy. Good ol' Hernando runs da orchard an does most of da real hard stuff, since he's a master mechanic--Sam lets em spray da orchard, which is a task I'm not considered responsible nough to do, or so Sammy says. I lika jeers and jostle wit 'em, an he always says stuff in Mexican dat I can't understand, witch bothers Sam, cuz he's don't like Mexican dat much, being old an set in his ways. Sam's always cussin' bout us beings lazy, witch is funny, cuz I see Sam slip aways a lot a times to take a couple swigs from da moonshine glass, an now whose being lazy, Mr. Boss Man? Is it a crime to have a cigarette while yous pickin' a bushel or two? Is it a crime to take a huff of gas before puttin' it in the weedeater? Hell, I don't know, dats why I'm askings.

Slack and mes were pickin' apples da udder day an we's seen a light movin' up in da sky going real fast like it was da moon on speed or cocaine. Slacks says he's been watchin' da Science channel an dey say stuff like dat is UFOs from another planet. He says some guy wit a spray tan an hair shootin' out in all directions like Frankenstein's bride tell 'em dat all da earth's greatest monuments was created buy ancient aliens miliions of years ago when we was still bangin' sticks together an throwin' our poo at each udder. I tell 'em "Now come on, Slack, if deres aliens, how come no one's ever gotten a picture of em?" He says dats cuz UFOs emmit an lectric field dat disables lectronics, witch is very convienent, if yous asks me. Then I told em I heard Sammy say dat Hernando is an alien. Slack's eyes get all big an he says "really?" and I tell em "yeah." So den we's decided to find out if Hernando is a real alien.

Hopefully he's not a chupracobra, seen here.

So we left da orchard an snuck up to da barn where Hernando was workin' on da sprayer. He got his tools all spread out, an he was hummin something in Mexican an takin' sips from a bottle filled wit yella liquid. "Wats he drinkin?" asks Slack, an I try to see wat it says on da bottle but my eyes ain't so good. "I think its beer," I tell em, witch causes Slack to despair, cuz he's really wanting Hernando to be an alien for some reason, probably so dat all dat stupid shit he watches on TV is confirmed. We keep watchin' Hernando an he never does anything outta da ordinary, an ventelly Sam comes up be hinds us an kicks us in da ass an tells us ta get back ta work. As we's was goin' away, though, I see a hoverin' light over da barn, an a tractor beams shining down outta it, but when I scream an point at it it dissappears. So maybe deres truth to da rumors, an Hernando is an alien. Wat you think, peoples?