An instrumental homage to Alternative/Metal groups like Smashing Pumpkins, Tool, and Metallica (basically the shit that is tired now, but cutting edge when I was a kid), The Death of Rock 'n' Roll Is Premature is an atonal collection of riffs focused on E minor and featuring a lot of chromaticism. I tracked three guitars (my strat through my cheap Ibenez Tube Screamer; my strat through the Big Muff with my mini Crybaby Wah in a fixed position; and my Epiphone Dot through the Big Muff), a bass, and then did the drums through Reason with a drum pad. Does it sound perfect? Fuck no! Is it meant to be? Hell no!
Black Myth:Wukong is a soulslike based on "The Journey to the West" a seminal work of Chinese literature. Basically, it's Dark Souls, but with Unreal Engine 5 visuals and a compelling bestiary derived from Chinese mythology. This game challenged my reflexes, but in the end, I managed to complete it, defeating all of its hardest bosses (Yellow Long was tough, but nothing compared to Erlang, who I defeated purely with dumb luck). The opening forest is a visual feast, and every chapter has a different environment, from dry, sandy deserts and mountains, to icy woods and temples, to lava baked fields and celestial clouds. A compelling mix of exploration, soulslike combat, and incredible graphics, Black Myth:Wukong is my pick for best single player game of the year. If you enjoyed Elden Ring, Wukong is right up your alley.
Best Walking Simulator: Still Wakes The Deep
A Game Pass gem, Still Wakes The Deep tells the story of a Scottish oil rig that's dug too deep, unleashing a cosmic horror that turns humans into monsters resembling the beast in John Carpenter's The Thing. Much has been made of Unreal Engine 5's graphical horsepower, as well as its performance issues, but Still Wakes The Deep looks great and also runs without any stuttering. It's short, and gameplay consists of quicktime event platforming, light exploration, and hiding from monsters that can instantly kill you. It's not as visually impressive as Hellblade 2 (another Game Pass walking simulator) but its story is more compelling, focusing on themes of sacrifice, hope, and dealing with your demons. A definite treat for horror fans, Still Wakes the Deep is worth playing through its six or so hours.
Best Remaster: Tomb Raider 1-3
The first three Tomb Raider games are puzzle/platformers that have their warts. Tank controls take getting used to, and even after you've mastered them, Lara will still die often because you've accidentally stepped off a ledge or mistimed a jump. Still, the puzzles and exploration are great, even if the combat isn't. Lara is basically a sexy mishmash of James Bond and Indiana Jones, and although the reboot trilogy is good, it doesn't quite capture the tone or replicate the unique gameplay of the original three games. The remaster updates the graphics while keeping the level design the same, making it the best way to play on console and modern hardware. Honorable mention goes out to Dark Forces: Remastered, which is also very well done, yet lacks the value of Tomb Raider (I've already spent 46 hours beating just Tomb Raider 1 and making most of my way through Tomb Raider 2, while TR 3 and the expansion packs await).
Best Indie: Neon White
Unlike the other games on this list, Neon White was released in 2022, not 2024. Another Game Pass title, it's a speed-running, first-person shooter/platformer, with dating simelements in-between missions. You play as a Neon, a damned soul plucked from the abyss by Heaven to cleanse the beyond of its demon problem. Along the way, you'll have to reconstruct your past relationships with your fellow Neons and discover the truth about what's happened to Heaven. There are some anime tropes, but the animation is good, and I actually enjoyed the plot, despite somecringey beats. Gameplaywise, I was so taken with Neon White's speedrunning that Ireplayed all the levelsin order to find all the secrets and get the fastest time. Probably my runner-up for single player game of the year.
Best Multiplayer Game/Best Game of the Year: Helldivers 2
Unlike some of my friend group, I haven't played 1000 hours of Helldivers 2. I have, however, spent over 140 hours in game, and its various complexities and team-focused gameplay have kept it compelling long after theinitial shine has worn off. Developers Arrowhead have constantly added content, from new Warbonds (mini battle passes that you can spend in-game currency on) to new enemiesand factions,and it's hard to believe that this game was only released this year. Sure, there have been some bumps in the road, but it seems as though Arrowhead has finally embraced the community's vision for the game, and the result has been a large, loyal community that's one of the better in online gaming. Helldivers 2 is pretty much the perfect game to spend an hour or two with your buddies killing Terminids (giant insect aliens similar to the bugs from Starship Troopers) or Automatons (Terminator-like cyborgs). The ability to call in powerful stratagems like the 380 mm Walking Barrage or Eagle 500 kg transform the battlefield into a chaotic storm of fire and bombast. Add in the literally hundreds of loadout combinations you can choose, from weapons like the Autocannon to accessories like a shield backpack or a guarddog rover, and you have a multiplayer horde shooter that you can really sink your teeth into.
The OG Tomb Raider is a classic and by far and away the best of the original trilogy. Having played Tomb Raider 3 back in the day, I knew how hard it was, and that its difficulty was controversial at the time (one reviewer claimed that it seemed like the game had been designed to sell the strategy guide). Tomb Raider 2, I'd missed, and after enjoying Tomb Raider, I went on to the next game. Right from the start, the Great Wall of China level tries to kill you with trap after trap, demanding instantaneous reactions, lest you end up pinned to a spiked wall or sliced to bits from a giant rotating blade. "Ah, so they upped the ante and assumed you'd played the first game," I thought. "I'm up to the challenge." Several hours later, however, after having plodded through the Wreck of the Maria Doria levels, I'm not sure that I am. The problem is that Core seems to have thought what Tomb Raider 2 needed was more combat, perhaps in response to the popularity of Resident Evil. So they filled the levels with human enemies that can tank several bullets and who have unflinching accuracy that no amount of gymnastic maneuvering can escape. I started entering rooms with my Uzis drawn, just so I had a fighting chance. A majority of the traps, of which there are a ton, have no environmental clue as to what triggers them. You can slide down a slope and fall into a pit of spikes, and the only way you could have avoided such a fate was to slide down the slope backwards. This is Dark Souls, but with puzzles, traps, and unfair enemy placement. What makes Tomb Raider 2 even worse is its bad section of middle levels. Who the fuck wants to explore an oil rig, especially when said rig is just a winding collection of corridors? The concept of the undersea levels is really cool, but every level is a maze of rust and flooded sections full of sharks and giant eels that are unresponsive to any harpoons you manage to embed in their flesh. While it is certainly impressive that they managed to churn out a full sequel to Tomb Raider in only a year, the rushed development shows. Despite adding vehicles, more varied levels, and more weapons, Tomb Raider 2 is a slog, at least so far. I'm really yearning for the China and Tibet levels, which are supposed to be its best. I know Tomb Raider 3 is hard, but at least Lara visits interesting locations for its entire run time.
A deranged man named Luigi Mangione (can you get any more Italian?) shot United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson and the internet is thrilled, with the sentiment ranging from "good" to "let's kill them all." That was the consensus on Reddit in right (r/Conservative) and left-leaning (r/Politics) circles, as well as the comments at Defector, which lean very liberal. It seems that people believe Mangione did something heroic in murdering a man by shooting him in the back with a 3D-printed pistol and then making a quick get-away by E-Bike. After evading capture for a couple days, Mangione was apprehended in a McDonalds with the gun and a manifesto on his person, more or less ending speculation that he was some sort of criminal genius. The myth of him as a working class hero was also dispelled; turns out that Mangione was part of a wealthy Baltimore family that possessed a multi-million dollar real estate empire, and he attended the University of Pennsylvania. Still, the hero worship has not ended--Mangione was revealed to be very handsome--and I don't really see any signs of public sentiment souring on the killer.
I'm not claiming to have any special sympathy for Thompson, or the CEOs of predatory businesses like healthcare companies. I don't think that's a job you can do with a clean conscience, not when so many people are denied life-saving care that they've paid for. Still, is vigilante justice what we need? Do we really want more people like Mangione executing people in the street for perceived crimes? Thompson may have been a piece of shit, but was he doing anything illegal? When people support Mangione, they're advocating for anarchy and mob justice. I don't know if you're familiar with the French Revolution and the Reign of Terror, but it didn't turn out great for the common people.
The sad irony of people supporting Mangione is that America just elected Donald Trump to the Presidency, with Republicans winning both chambers of Congress. During his first term, Trump's efforts to repeal the Affordable Care Act failed in the Senate by one vote, and the Senator who cast that decisive vote is now deceased. Americans are obviously very angry about their health coverage in this country, but they seem unable to connect the dots and figure out the source of the problem. Trump's new government efficiency czars (twin billionaire sociopaths Musk and Ramaswamy) are planning to advocate cuts to Medicare, although that might be dead on arrival. Biden's Inflation Reduction Act capped drug prices, and a Harris administration was planning on shoring up the ACA, decreasing drug prices, and tackling medical debt. None of that stuff was a sexy as deporting illegal immigrants or doing random fascist stuff, though, and now Americans will have to prepare for an incoming administration that will almost certainly work toward making their healthcare worse.
Maybe the best song I've ever written? It pretty much sums up all of my feelings about this country at this very moment. I wear my best Dylan hat, with perhaps a bit of Elliott Smith's aesthetics, whatever the fuck that means. Considering that I wrote it in about fifteen minutes, I'm pretty proud of A Song For America.
Lyrics below:
Well the blowjob queen of Texas
And the podcast king
of dirt
Ran off from the
Valley
Forget all the lives
they hurt
They were trying to
find the heart
so they could stab
it through the chest
Leaving little
pieces
So we could do the rest
I had twenty whole
dollars
And a bucket full of chum
I had to feed the
sharks
But I needed a bigger gun
I was shooting in
the movies,
I was shooting in the breeze
I was shooting
anything that moves
Anything that needs
Pour another shot of
whiskey into a cold glass
Throw it over your
shoulder as you drink into the past
You can drink and
drive but you can’t bring back a soul
That you threw off
and away
He was in the Oval
office
He was in your
neighbor Bob
He was in the
cryptodollar
That you stole from
the Mob
The grift, the lie,
the cheat
You can’t hide it
all away
We will have to pay
up
in some dark loathsome way
There are fewer and
fewer children
But more and more of
the old
The future’s
warming up
While the history is
sold
You can stare into
your phone
You can stare into
the abyss
But nothing’s
looking back,
nothing you can kiss
Pour another shot of
whiskey into a cold glass
Throw it over your
shoulder as you drink into the past
You can drink and
drive but you can’t bring back a soul
That you threw off
and away
The sickness it
starts spreading
When you’re almost
middle-aged
You see that time
will not forget
Your father or your
name
The places you have
known
Are dungeons full of
fog
The people you
remember
are shadows
stretched too long
The eyes of a child
are the windows to a hole
You can fill up a
person
with consumer graded hope
There is more to
life than money
There is more to
life than fame
There is more to
life than dopamine
drip fed into our veins
Pour another shot of
whiskey into a cold glass
Throw it over your
shoulder as you drink into the past
You can drink and
drive but you can’t bring back a soul
It's somewhere between 1996 and 1997, and I'm wandering a pitch-black coliseum, trying to figure out where to go next. The sense of isolation is palatable; here there is only the darkness, man-eating lions, and crumbling ruins. Can I make that jump? Are there spikes at the bottom of the pit? Does this switch release homicidal gorillas along with opening a door? These are the choice of the OG Tomb Raider, a game that I was not prepared to beat back in my preteen days, with a probable ADHD brain. Technical troubles also marred the experience--I remember a looping sound bug, along with a crash after fighting one of the end-game bosses in Atlantis. Early PC gaming was pretty fickle when it came to operating systems and sound drivers. Having just replayed about 75 percent of Tomb Raider Remastered, and having dabbled a bit with Tomb Raider 2, I have to report that these games are just delightful and have aged like fine wine. The first three Core Design Tomb Raider games were 3D grid-based platformers with tank controls. Puzzles formed a large part of the gameplay, and some of that puzzling was figuring out the level design. The shooting mechanics were not complex, and were frankly the least-interesting element of play. Taking your time to line Lara up, measuring the distance out in squares, and then taking that ridiculous leap (seriously, Lara has like a world record long jump as well as vertical) forms the essence of Tomb Raider. Well, that and battling the controls.
Tomb Raider Remastered sports remastered graphics along with support for modern over the shoulder third person controls. The tank controls feel terrible for about the first thirty minutes, but after that you quickly adjust and you realize that they are really the only option, since the game was designed around them. It's just so much easier to line up those jumps, and the camera, your constant enemy, is sometimes even worse with the modern scheme. Every one of Lara's movements has to be considered, which isn't something normal in modern games, but it gets you thinking about how novel moving around in a 3D space was in 1996. Exploration was part of the pitch, but unlike Dark Forces Remastered, Tomb Raider has much better level design. In fact, I'd say I've had as much fun exploring Peru, Greece, and Egypt as I've had in any other game in recent memory. There's no objective arrow, or even a checklist telling you what to do. Now I'm not saying that I didn't miss a switch or get lost in Greece's infamous Cistern level. But the sprawling labyrinths fit the setting, and a key hunt (especially when the key is the Eye of Horus or some other artifact) just makes more sense in Tomb Raider as opposed to your 90's shooter.
However, despite loving this collection, I don't know if I'd recommend it to your average gamer. Tomb Raider is pretty fucking hard, and TR2 and TR3 are even harder, to the point where I might consider them to be some of the hardest games of their generation. The first game ramps up the difficulty pretty gradually, with the Peruvian levels being pretty straight forward, and the Greek ones just a bit harder. Still, you'll likely consult a walkthrough if you've never played these games (I actually have the official Prima Strategy guide from back in the day, and I consulted it for secrets). For the more intrepid among us, I really recommend checking these games out. They're really like nothing around today, and they're an incredible amount of fun.
Still in pretty good condition, unlike my Tomb Raider 3 guide.
I saw the Eagles of Death Metal in the Madison Theater in Cincinnati sometime around 2008. I was with my girlfriend, who is now my wife, and singer Jesse Hughes had a sore throat, but by damn, they put on a good, incredibly loud show. Heart On is filled with riff-heavy, 70's influenced boogie rock. Songs like "Anything But The Truth" and "Wannabe In L.A." have a Stonesy groove to them, while "(I Used To Couldn't Dance) Tight Pants" and "Prissy Prancing" remind me of ZZ Top. Even the one moment of sincerity "Now I'm A Fool" feels like Hughes is keeping his tongue firmly in cheek. This is a fun, danceable album, and it's a shame that it's sort of forgotten, at least, as far as I can tell. It was constantly in my iPod playlist circa 2008-2009, and having given it several relistens recently, it's damn near perfect. Bring back rock 'n' roll, people! Listen to Heart On and discover its many virtues.
The Thing has to be John Carpenter's best movie. You can feel the isolation with every swig of whiskey, the special effects still hold up (this year's Still Wakes The Deep borrowed their monsters from this film), Kurt Russell is a relatable, gruff hard-ass, and Keith David is in it. What more could you ask for? A shape-shifting alien that spawns teeth and jaws out of flesh like it was made from playdough? How about a score by Ennio Morricone? It's wintertime, baby. Watch The Thing and shiver in terror.
After you watch The Thing, watch The Terror, an AMC miniseries about the 1845 voyage of The Terror and The Erberus, British ships sent to the arctic to find a northwest passage to India and China. Jared Harris of Mad Men fame and Tobias Menzies from Outlander are two of the leads, and the cast is excellent in general, although it is almost entirely male. The Franklin expedition is ill-fated, and the ships find themselves ensconced in the ice sheet, with the crew hunted by a supernatural spirit manifesting as an enormous, human-faced polar beer. Cannibalism, scurvy, and starvation are also in store. At least they died quickly in The Thing! Seriously, this is a great little miniseries. Currently available on Netflix.
Are you nostalgic for the nineties? I didn't realize how much I was until I watched The Last Dance, a sports doc about the Bull's last championship run, and sort of a Michael Jordon puff-piece. Jordon is front and center through all of this, and although his greatness is undeniable, don't expect any really hard questions, since Jordon's always been pretty moody about the press. His gambling issues and bullying of his teammates are covered but excused, as is his avoidance of politics. Despite being the athlete of his generation, Jordon was no Muhammad Ali, and whether or not he had a responsibility in that regard is up for debate. His teammates and Phil Jackson are interviewed heavily, but I would've liked to hear more from Dennis Rodman, mainly because that guy was and is fucking nuts. A good trip down nostalgia lane for the Critic, who was a Chicago Bulls fan as a child during their dominating run.
Finally, a good recent horror film! Barbarian works as an allegory for sexual abuse, from the ignoring of the accusation, to the false repentance of the abuser, to the eventual catharsis achieved by the abused, who ultimately must regain agency despite the cost. The beauty of the film is that it works as a dumb horror movie on top of all of it! Barbarian is also excellent at subverting expectations after setting up horror cliches. Highly recommended, although it is not for the squeamish or easily triggered. Best recent horror flick since The Menu.
Do guilty pleasures still exist? We have a guilty pleasure as President; irony has died its final death, and the freak absurdity of the universe is acknowledged by all. Therefore, I present to you, dear reader, my pithy review of Love Is Blind Season Seven: The Men are shit, but Hannah is a bitch. Don't you know about stocks, Nick, you fucking idiot? Perhaps the biggest missed opportunity of the whole thing is that no one points out how Ramses' Jedi Padawan braid gives it away that he's not even a full Jedi. What did you expect, Marissa? No man in his thirties with a fucking Jedi Padawan braid is marriage material. Still waiting for the season where instead of attractive people, they actually fill half of the pods with grotesquely obese computer nerds. Just make sure Nick Lachey doesn't know so we can watch him spontaneously vomit when the combined scent of ten unwashed 300 lbs anime aficionados assaults his perfect nostrils.
Deadpool Versus Wolverine: Let me just get this out of the way: I despise Ryan Reynolds. Apparently I'm not alone: Defector calls Reynolds cinema's kryptonite, an assessment that I mostly agree with. Reynolds is the white Rock, a generic pretty boy who plays the exact same, fourth wall-breaking character in every single stupid film he's ever been in. So of course, he's perfect for Deadpool, a smarmy motor-mouthed imbecile whose amorality and quips are supposed to be charming and endearing, instead of obnoxious and frustrating. I don't get the character's appeal, alright? Spider-man is a wisecracker who doesn't reference pegging or gangbangs (I'll reluctantly give points to Deadpool Versus Wolverine for sticking to its R rating), and while the Whedonesque dialogue that filled Avengers movies lost its charm really quickly, at least none of those motherfuckers had Reynold's grating voice. The only reason I had interest in Deadpool Versus Wolverine was the inclusion of Hugh Jackman, whose Wolverine was part of my childhood. Jackman is a legitimate movie star capable of decent performances (check out The Prestige or The Fountain) but he's been unable or unwilling to abandon the role that elevated him to stardom. At 55 years of age, he's still impressively swole, and the lines and wrinkles that mar his movie-star visage are appropriate for Wolverine, who plays the gruff straightman to Deadpool's incessant chattering. The movie is as passably entertaining as a video game cutscene, and by far its best idea is having Deadpool and Wolverine transported to a universe where forgotten superheros are left to die (Jennifer Garner's Elecktra and Wesley Snipe's Blade make an appearance). However, this multiverse shit is becoming cliche at this point (and again, it's Spider-man'sthing!). The whole fucking movie is a meta-joke, with Channing Tatum's Gambit pining that he doesn't even know what universe he belong to (Tatum famously wanted to play the character, but Fox couldn't make it happen). Watching Deadpool Versus Wolverine is like watching a bunch of internet memes strung together by AI, connected only by various references to superhero deepcuts that only the most diehard fans will likely be able to comprehend. Sure, maybe this movie wasn't made for me, but when you include one of the most iconic superheros of the past several decades (X-Men was in 2000!) I'm not sure you can make that argument. Perhaps the younger generations, with their decaying attention spans and love for 45 second videos can make sense of Deadpool Versus Wolverine. I'm just glad I didn't have to pay good money for this shit.
They Live: Maybe not John Carpenter's best, but They Live has a fifteen minute wrestling match between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David in a disgusting alley, and you gotta appreciate that. The critique of capitalism and consumerism is very on the nose. Aliens are masquerading as humans, engineering society for their benefit, subliminally encouraging mindless consumption and procreation, and only a homeless drifter with a special pair of sunglasses can see through their disguises. Piper's initial reaction to being privy to this information is to go on a shooting spree and starting spouting dialogue that Duke Nukem would appropriate years later ("I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum.") The clear death of the middle class dream is the real poignant point; masses of people live in homeless encampments, echoing the current housing crisis, despite the fact that They Live was made in the 1980's. Piper finds work by haggling with a construction foreman, after being turned down by the unemployment office. The dystopia is here, baby! I don't know if it would be terrifying or relieving to find out that the elites are secretly skeletal aliens and not just selfish humans bent on planetary destruction. Definitely worth a watch.
When We Were Kings: It's crazy to think of how the passage of time affects everyone, even global icons like Muhammad Ali. We're fifty years removed from the Rumble in the Jungle, Ali's boxing match against George Foreman in Zaire. There's a moment at the end of the documentary where Spike Lee laments the lack of knowledge kids have these days (these days being 1996) of their history. Do children today know who Muhammad Ali was? Do they recognize how he was the most famous athlete in the world for decades? Do they know his involvement in politics, despite the risks? How he was jailed for refusing to be drafted into the Vietnam War, or how he championed black rights and independence? One fact that I didn't realize was how Ali was the greatest promo of all time. He could effortlessly put down his opponent with digs both insulting and humorous, while maintaining a certain hubris that was endearing in its honest. Hearing Ali brag was watching a man fully committed to his iconic status. He knew he was the greatest, and by god, he was going to be the greatest. A mesmerizing trip back in time.
Leon's such a dashing prince of a man. He's dumb as a load of bricks, but we love him for it.
Whereas Resident Evil 2 and 3 were about sneaking in the dark, hording ammo and running from your problems, Resident Evil 4 is about being a kickass Backstreet Boy with a giant arsenal and enough karate kicking proficiency to kill anything after a good shooting or stabbing. Leon Kennedy is tasked with venturing into a small Spanish village to rescue the President's daughter Ashley, and that's about as much of the plot as I absorbed. You'll assault an infected village, comb through a creepy castle, traverse a vast underground cave system by rail, and finally take down a militarized island. Your enemies will be undead rural peasants seemingly teleported from the 19th century, giant mutated cicadas, ogres who got lost on their way to Mordor, and fleshy ghouls who can regenerate limbs even after they've been dismembered by a shotgun blast. None of it really makes sense, but it doesn't have to! Resident Evil 4 is the release after creeping through the previous two entries. It's Aliens to RE 2/3's Alien. One of my favorite things about the game is collecting treasure and inlaying it with multicolored emeralds and rubies, and then selling it for a big payday of pesetas to spend on weapon upgrades. Putting a stock on your Red 9 handgun to improve its accuracy or adding a scope to your bolt rifle are all part of the fun. The RE Engine is looking good, although it's missing DLSS upscaling for some reason. Thankfully, Resident Evil 4 runs great without it, although don't turn on ray-tracing, since it tanks the frame rate and doesn't add anything noticeable to the visuals. Check out the screenshots below:
