The Thing has to be John Carpenter's best movie. You can feel the isolation with every swig of whiskey, the special effects still hold up (this year's Still Wakes The Deep borrowed their monsters from this film), Kurt Russell is a relatable, gruff hard-ass, and Keith David is in it. What more could you ask for? A shape-shifting alien that spawns teeth and jaws out of flesh like it was made from playdough? How about a score by Ennio Morricone? It's wintertime, baby. Watch The Thing and shiver in terror.
After you watch The Thing, watch The Terror, an AMC miniseries about the 1845 voyage of The Terror and The Erberus, British ships sent to the arctic to find a northwest passage to India and China. Jared Harris of Mad Men fame and Tobias Menzies from Outlander are two of the leads, and the cast is excellent in general, although it is almost entirely male. The Franklin expedition is ill-fated, and the ships find themselves ensconced in the ice sheet, with the crew hunted by a supernatural spirit manifesting as an enormous, human-faced polar beer. Cannibalism, scurvy, and starvation are also in store. At least they died quickly in The Thing! Seriously, this is a great little miniseries. Currently available on Netflix.
Are you nostalgic for the nineties? I didn't realize how much I was until I watched The Last Dance, a sports doc about the Bull's last championship run, and sort of a Michael Jordon puff-piece. Jordon is front and center through all of this, and although his greatness is undeniable, don't expect any really hard questions, since Jordon's always been pretty moody about the press. His gambling issues and bullying of his teammates are covered but excused, as is his avoidance of politics. Despite being the athlete of his generation, Jordon was no Muhammad Ali, and whether or not he had a responsibility in that regard is up for debate. His teammates and Phil Jackson are interviewed heavily, but I would've liked to hear more from Dennis Rodman, mainly because that guy was and is fucking nuts. A good trip down nostalgia lane for the Critic, who was a Chicago Bulls fan as a child during their dominating run.
Finally, a good recent horror film! Barbarian works as an allegory for sexual abuse, from the ignoring of the accusation, to the false repentance of the abuser, to the eventual catharsis achieved by the abused, who ultimately must regain agency despite the cost. The beauty of the film is that it works as a dumb horror movie on top of all of it! Barbarian is also excellent at subverting expectations after setting up horror cliches. Highly recommended, although it is not for the squeamish or easily triggered. Best recent horror flick since The Menu.
Do guilty pleasures still exist? We have a guilty pleasure as President; irony has died its final death, and the freak absurdity of the universe is acknowledged by all. Therefore, I present to you, dear reader, my pithy review of Love Is Blind Season Seven: The Men are shit, but Hannah is a bitch. Don't you know about stocks, Nick, you fucking idiot? Perhaps the biggest missed opportunity of the whole thing is that no one points out how Ramses' Jedi Padawan braid gives it away that he's not even a full Jedi. What did you expect, Marissa? No man in his thirties with a fucking Jedi Padawan braid is marriage material. Still waiting for the season where instead of attractive people, they actually fill half of the pods with grotesquely obese computer nerds. Just make sure Nick Lachey doesn't know so we can watch him spontaneously vomit when the combined scent of ten unwashed 300 lbs anime aficionados assaults his perfect nostrils.
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