Thursday, May 26, 2016

The Hillsdale Paranormal Society's Guide to Surviving the Trump-Apocalypse

There will be blood, bros!

Alright dudes and dudettes, it looks like we're going to have a true-blue crazy MFer in the White House if the latest polls are to be believed, which I freaking don't. Everybody knows that the Illuminati really run the country, and that's why the Donald is getting such heat from them, because he's only like one-fifth Reptilian and not a pure blood like Hillary. Unlike most of his kind, Trump only lusts for human blood one or twice a year, and has to content himself with licking people's feet, which really pisses him off. He's also a pretty big racist and a card-carrying He-Man Woman-Hater, and a xenophobe at that. So if you're black, purple, or small-bosomed, you probably want to vote for Hillary (though I can't bring myself to after I discovered that she ate Michael Jackson's baby). I'm going to do y'all a solid and lay out how we can survive four years of small-handed iron baby-man rule.

1. Get your firearms, peeps! When Trump becomes President, blood will run in the streets, because guns and vigilante violence is what's going to make America great again. I'd recommend a 12 gauge and 9 millimeter Glock. Assault rifles are cool, but I'd rather get up close and personal with the vehement racists that'll be roving from home to home, looking for Miller High Life and any Prince albums (that's how they'll know you're gay). I'd also get a bat with some barbed wire wrapped around it, and M-80 fireworks because they're freaking rad. If you'd rather avoid conflict because you're scared of the KKK, then play some Fabulous Freebirds and start yelling at raccoons and that should keep them from burning your house down.

2. Stock up on Trump Bucks. One of the ways the crazy MFer in chief is going to make America not so mediocre is by putting his ugly mug on all of our money. Beat the man at his game and start putting his face on all of your money. To do this you need a scanner, a (preferably) dead skunk, and a box of crayons. By the way, counterfeiting is fully supported by the Donald because it shows entrepreneurship and that's the only thing that matters, really.

3. Start buying up real estate. In Trump's world, the most respected profession will be slum lord, since that was what Daddy Trump did, and he produced the world's biggest man-baby, which is cause for celebration in some corners (mostly places that worship man-babies, like Texas). I've already bought myself a couple of abandoned houses by painting my name on the front door in blood, which obviously makes the properties legally mine. There are a bunch of hobos that live there, and I let them eat black tar heroine and bugger themselves for the low, low price of me not calling the cops.


4. Make friends with the Morlocks. With the Donald as our leader, the Morlocks will decide that it is finally time to rise up and eat all of our butts. I'd recommend befriending as many Morlocks as you can. Usually they hang out on the internet in special reddit threads devoted to underage anime and men's rights activists. Sometimes you might see one at a Wal-Mart, since they blend in well there with the other wildlife. You can tell a Morlock by their gigantic eyes and shaggy blue fur. Also, they hate the Funky Bunch so don't say nothing about Mark Wahlberg. Learned that one the hard way.

5. Shrink your hands. Because Trump is terribly insecure, he will put a jihad out on all large-handed folks. If you've got big hands, you'll be rounded up and thrown into work camps with the other degenerates. I recommend looking up some Chinese foot binding techniques and trying them out on your hands. Warning: you might not be able to beat off for a while. I suggest doing one hand at a time.

6. Research time-travel. It'll be pretty hard to last all four years of Trump if you're not a jabroni or a Morlock, so maybe we should unite and try to go back in time and kill the Donald before he made the Apprentice and got all famous and shit. I heard there was a time when Keith Richards almost knifed him for talking too long when they were renting out some hotel; that would be a good time to approach Keef and give him some PCP so that he freaks out and hacks Trump to death. We could also just send a Terminator but Arnold's pretty old and he has bitch tits now. Somebody Doc Brown this shit and save us before it's too late!

 I got this photo off the Japanese internet. Maybe we should send Sly instead!

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