Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews

Yes, this is what I actually look like in real life.

The Critic has been absent as of late, for his busy personal life has taken a toll on his professional career. It seems I have fathered a child; let us not examine the circumstances, for as you all know, the Critic jealously guards his personal life. However, I am not about to let the demands of fatherhood take me from my one true purpose, which is to tear apart all the pop culture detritus you cretins hold dear. Without further ado, let us begin.

Captain America: Civil War: Are they still making these? Didn't I predict the death of comic book movies ages ago? It seems the Marvel Cinematic Universe is deaf to my criticisms. The premise of this latest multimedia assault is laughable: the wanton destruction of the Avengers in the previous films results in world governments wanting to have some sort of handle on all of these super-beings. Captain America, of course, objects, I guess because rules and regulations get in the way of his American Individualism. Also his best friend Bucky (Bucky? WTF?) is a brainwashed supersoldier on the run from these forces for crimes he may not have committed. It's a fairly convoluted scenario, obviously engineered so that Iron Man and Captain America can punch each other into oblivion in the name of freedom or some shit. If you haven't seen all the Captain America movies or the Avengers films, you might be lost (hell, you might be anyway). It's all a bit boring, since there's no real tension; all the important characters cannot die, otherwise how would they make Iron Man 4 and the Avengers 3? Captain America, the eponymous hero, comes off as unsympathetic. The Avengers are a bunch of assholes--in real life, they would've been tried for war crimes--and reluctant villain Iron Man is the more relatable of the two. Whatever. I should likely stop reviewing these films, since they're not really made for me. They're made for the masses, not for intellectual juggernauts such as myself.

Girls: The Critic's constant companion has started binge watching Girls as of late, and the Critic cannot help but turn his unwavering eye toward this series. Frankly, the Critic knows not what to think: Girls seems to be a satire of the Millennial Generation--its protagonists are narcissistic, immature, dependent on their parents, and sexually irresponsible. Lena Dunham's character Hannah is particularly repulsive as a so-called writer who never seems to actually write anything. Yet the Critic cannot help but find this show hilarious and too self-conscious to be taken seriously. Though I am no social conservative, I must note that damn-near every episode contains an uncomfortable nude scene with Hannah. Good god, woman, are you trying to ruin nudity for the Critic? Keep it covered, please.

Dark Souls 3: The best Dark Souls game. It combines the gameplay improvements of the second title with the level design and world-building of the original. A deep, rewarding role-playing experience that promises over one-hundred hours of strangely-satisfying frustration. On the PC, it is rather buggy, however. Graphical glitches are quite common. Still, I can't imagine a RPG surpassing it this year.

Fatherhood: The Critic said he wouldn't delve into his personal life, yet I cannot help to review the process of early fatherhood. Let's just say there are transcendental rewards in changing the feces-filled diaper of your own flesh and blood. Let's just hope that the little Critic follows in the footsteps of his father and embraces French Surrealism. I wouldn't want to have to disown him, after all.

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