Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Hanging with the Goon

Hay deres Uncle Tom!

Gentlemens and ladies held against dere will, its been a very long time since I checked in with ya'lls. Winter and spring are teh slow season in teh apple orcahrd; we dont do much but drink in teh barn and look fer pigs to wrestle wit and know in the intimate manner. I been doin a lot of mowin wit my teeth and swinging teh baseball stick to beat down teh weeds beneath teh trees so dat we has a great apple crop to seel at teh farmers markets. In udder news, my love life hasnt improved. Dere was dis girl named Alice who I was goin wit, but she left me for a box of chocolates and an electric screwdriver. Tough luck, eh? Well dats life as teh Goon.

One person who never gets let down too much is me Uncle Tom, he of love pit and dancing raccoon fame. Me an Slack weht over dere a while back to see what ol' Tom was up to, and lo and behold, he was at it again wit the rubber hose and a bottle full of mayonnaise. Tom's made himself a nice garden dis year, full of bananas, oranges, ricaroni, and dog meats. He gave us two boxes of pop tarts as a weddin gift fere teh inevitable day when we gets married. He also gave us some smoked meats which he said were sausauge, but dey looked liek human intestines.

Teh reason dat I bring up Uncle Tom is that I hope dat years from now, when I'm teh ripe ol' age of 42, I'll look half as good as ol' Tom, who still has two-thirds of his teeth an most of his fingers. Id also likes to have a love pit an a macaroni garden, but I guess dat would be hopin fere too much. Much of my thirty years has been dedicated to teh orchard and Japanese folklore; its kinda late to start somethin new, but you never knows. My boss Sammy probably doesnt have long fere dis earth, an I always wondered wether he'll give teh orchard to me or Hernando. I'd hate to have to perform teh Game of Thrones on Hernando. Hes a pretty nice guy fere a Mexicano.

One last thing I'd liek ta throw out dere is Does anybody know teh secret combonation to Uncle Tom safe? Last I herd, dere was four-hundred pornos and enough pills to make ya see teh purple horse in dat safe. When he gets reall drunk, Uncle Tom shouts its combonation all over town, but most peoples cant understand his backwoods blather. You'all listen real good and tell me what he says, cuz i'm a real good interpreater of nonsense.

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