- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
How to Get Real Heel Heat
Sheamus is the current WWE Heavyweight Champion, and although he's a decent promo and worker, he's not that great of a heel. The biggest crowd reaction he's gotten recently are chants of "you look stupid," because of his mohawk and beard braids, which give him an uncanny resemblance to one of those troll doll toys people played with when I was a lad. Sheamus doesn't get any real heel heat, and judging from last Monday's RAW ratings, which dipped under three million for the first time in thirteen years, people are tuning out rather than watching to hate on Sheamus. How do you get real heel heat? Funny you asked. I have some suggestions. Here are some hypothetical situations.
Sheamus comes out and asks everyone to look under their seats. They pull out gift-wrapped packages. Sheamus says he robbed Oprah and that everyone is getting a brand new food processor. The audience unwraps their packages. Inside is fresh dog poo. Sheamus says that the audience has to eat it or he won't leave the arena.
Sheamus tells everyone that Jesus was a ginger, and that only gingers will go to heaven. The crowd riots, and blood is spilt.
Sheamus has the League of Nations pass out anabolic steroids to all of the children in the front row.
Sheamus tells everyone that he hates dogs and that he will eat the next dog he sees.
Sheamus challenges Dolph Ziggler to a "kiss me arse" match. Sheamus wins, and Dolph later dies from a severe pink eye infection.
Sheamus comes out with Hornswoggle on his shoulders. He says that he is pro-leprechaun now, and all leprechaun haters can eat a bag of dicks. He then gives Hornswoggle a big kiss on the lips.
Sheamus gives a promo on how we are destroying the environment with our relentless pollution. He asks everyone to stop driving and start riding bikes to work. "Meat is murder," he says, while munching on a bag of organic salad.
Sheamus talks about how if he were American, he would support Donald Trump's proposal for a data base to track all Muslim citizens. He unexpectedly gets cheers, and Vince McMahon decides to push him as a baby face.
Sheamus tells all the smarks to go home and check CM Punk's status on the internet.
Sheamus poops his pants during a match with Roman Reigns. He gets poop all over the ring, causing the CDC to cordon off the arena as a biohazard.
Sheamus insults the local sports team. He then claims that he doesn't watch sports and spends his free time reading, because he is an intellectual, and not a meathead like the audience.
Sheamus reads a poem he wrote about true love. He dedicates it to Hornswaggle and gay marriage.
Sheamus throws a bag of candy at the audience and tells them to eat it, fatties.
Sheamus eats a live dick on stage.