Sunday, November 29, 2015

Voices of the People

The 2016 Presidential election looms in America's horizon like a bird of doom. Major new outlets like CNN and Fox News crouch on the walls like predatory beasts, searching for a weak candidate to disembowel. The candidates themselves march relentlessly ahead, huddled together for protection, yet all the while ready to push the feeblest out of the circle and into the wolves. Yet what do the people of our great nation think? Pointless Venture scoured the internet and interviewed dozens to find out. Do you want to hear their opinions? It doesn't matter! This is a democracy. Everyone has a say. Let's meet our fellow Americans.


Interviewee number one: Wilfred Brimless.

Age: 92.

Employer: Retired.

Hobbies: Causal racism, occasional confusion, Westerns.

Candidate asked about: Donald Trump.

Response:
"Trump? That's the one with the skunk on his head, right? Smart man. Keep 'em illegals back with a big-ass wall. I've been saying that fer years. I've also been shooting at kids fer gettin' in me back yard and pooping in me garden. Maybe when Trump's done rounded up all them Mexicans he can send some secret service over here to put those goddamn kids in a concentration camp."


Interviewee number two: Willy "Pnut" Defrancis.

Age: 19.

Employer: Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Hobbies: Cultural appropriation, burning trash, sniffing random objects.

Candidate asked about: Hillary Clinton

Response:
"Gonorrhea, pleased to meet ya, Chlamydia, gettin' rid of ya. That's the start of my rap, homie. Wat u think? I think dat teh government needs to support us, and give us all money, so I don't have to work at KFC and get teh super cancer. So if Hillary is for making us money, then I'm all Clinton, baby! You got any money? I need a bus ticket."


Interviewee number three: Leslie "Jesus Boobs" McClure.

Age: Would not disclose.

Employer: Doesn't work.

Hobbies: Spending money, Bible-thumping, living in a bubble, indiscreet racism.

Candidate asked about: Ted Cruz.

Response:
"Oh Ted? You know, Ted didn't come to our Christmas party. I don't know what that says about him. I do know he's a man of God, and that he wants to deport all of the homosexuals. That would be a real tragedy. My personal stylist is gay, and I don't know what I would do without him. Still, we need a Republican in the White House, not a Muslim. I know Ted has a copy of his birth certificate! But if he wants my vote, he better come to New Year's.


Interviewee number four: Rupert "Pigtails" Gonzales.

Age: 26.

Employer: Mom (does chores around the house on occasion).

Hobbies: Masturbating to cartoon ponies, Live-Action Role-Playing, Men's Rights Activism.

Candidate asked about: Bernie Sanders.

Response:
Perfect socialist candidate. Would suppress the free market, which I cannot abide. We've got too many people suckling from the teat of big government. People should be free to do whatever they want. People's moms shouldn't insist on therapy just because they don't understand what a brony is. There's nothing wrong with a grown-ass man spending most of his time on Deviant Art drawing big black stallions pile-driving pink little ponies. The human imagination is a wonderful thing, mom. It shouldn't be suppressed.  

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