Heres Uncle Thom and his cats, his best beloveds.
Woowhee, it's almost Christmas time, folks! Teh most wunderful time of teh yeare! I gots the stockings hung from da mantle in teh Goon household, and we've tried our damndest not to burn down teh Christmas bush liek last time. Slack an Willy have stayed outta jail, an everthing looks to be just bout perfect. What ya'll think yull get fere Christmas? Maybe yull get an orange or a bag of nuts liek I did last yeare, or maybe yull get some used bullet casing to turn in fere a little extra cash! I tell ya, the best Christmas present I ever gots was a postcard from a hooker in Minneanapolis, though it was really fere Willy, but I kept it anyways. It smelled like honey and cigarette butts, an from now till teh end of time, I will always get an erection from smellin' those two smells.
Teh hardest person to buy fere in my family is my Uncle Thom. He's a man who has everything, ya know? He's got twenty cats and a rape hole an a whole trailer full of weird porn. ONe year we bought 'em a stuffed leprechaun but he got scared when he saw 'em and threw it in the woods an now it stalks teh forests when teh moon is full. I usually always get 'em a new cat, since he goes through cats liek I go threw underware. His heart isn't doing so well right now, though, since his faverote cat, Stupid, just died of pleurisy. Old Thom tried to drown stupid ten times an teh old bugger kept coming back, so that's why he named 'em stupid. I think one of 'em wood elves stuck a rocket to his backside cuz we found him wit a hole in his ass as big as barn. Gotta watch out fere teh wood elves.