The respected and trustworthy news network Al-Jazeera has released documents and testimony accusing Peyton Manning and others of using performance-enhancing drugs like human growth hormone. That athletes who get paid millions of dollars to perform would consider using PEDs is still a shock to some people, apparently, despite the fact that most of the football players we idolize are doubtlessly running diabol cycles and gobbling up horse testicular extract like it's nectar of the gods. Since people have some interesting ideas on what PEDs actually do, I thought I'd list a few of the wonderful things human growth hormone allows Peyton Manning to do on a daily basis. Remember, kids: You can break the all-time passing yards record too if you smother yourself with anabolic cream! Or actually, you probably can't.
After Peyton eats HGH, he is often hungry for hours. The only thing that can satiate his mad hunger is a large pepperoni pizza from Papa Johns, delivered by the Papa himself.
While on some delicious HGH, Peyton Manning has a habit of grabbing random people and pulling his shorts down so that he can sit on their faces and rub his genitals and anus rhythmically over their mouths. This tradition started at the University of Tennessee.
HGH made Peyton Manning donate tons of money to Republican candidates, like former Law and Order star Fred Thompson.
HGH makes Peyton Manning's farts smell like death.
After rubbing himself all over with HGH, Peyton Manning sings the State Farm jingle over and over until he falls asleep.
HGH numbs Peyton Manning's tolerance to pain, allowing him to inject himself with more HGH.
After taking HGH, Peyton Manning has to visit a witch doctor to cure him of his HGH gut.
HGH is responsible for Peyton's commitment to Christ, allowing him to open his heart and let Jesus in there so that he gets into heaven with all the other rich folk.
Without HGH, Peyton Manning would forget how to tie his shoes. He would run around with his shoe laces flopping around. It would be terribly embarrassing.
HGH gave Peyton Manning a laser rocket arm, making him more machine than man.
HGH preserves Peyton Manning's libido, allowing him to procreate and produce more Peyton Mannings.
If Peyton Manning didn't have HGH, his head would fall off of his body and roll around on the ground like a bouncy rubber ball.
Peyton Manning has to take HGH to remove all traces of his upper-class, east-coast accent. HGH is why Peyton Manning sounds like a hillbilly.
Without HGH, Peyton Manning would die.
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