- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Conan Brothers Q&A
Arnold: Well, boys and girls, it's been a long time since we've answered the questions of the ravenous internet horde. While you all were playing Call of Duty and shitting your pants, we've been in the weight room, pumping iron, getting bigger, stronger, and faster. Dave here finally pulled six-hundred pounds. Congrats, Dave. You're officially a man.
Dave: Thanks, brother. I think my cajones have increased in diameter since.
Arnold: Better have that checked out. That sounds like cancer.
TrutherSutherland asks "Who are you guys going to vote for in the Presidential election?"
Arnold: Jesus, that's not until next year. I don't know if I'll even be alive next year.
Dave: Donald Trump. Because he's an asshole, and that's exactly what this country full of assholes needs. An asshole should rule over all the other assholes. That's my logic, at least.
Arnold: Donald Trump is a demagogue who will bring about the end of days. Can you imagine a country run by Trump? It would be like something out of one of Neal Stephenson's books. Who really wants to live in a sci-fi dystopia? It won't be fun. Not for most of you.
Dave: But Trump capitalizes on my fears and prejudices. He's tired of pussy politicians. He says what he thinks.
Arnold: The more outrageous his comments, the more the media echos him. He's got them fooled. They're creating a monster.
Dave: He's really no worse than Ted Cruz.
Arnold: Ted Cruz has the world's most punchable face. You could get little kids to curb-stomp Ted Cruz. Mother Teresa would put her boot in his ugly mug.
Dave: No Hillary for President?
Arnold: I can't believe you'd suggest it. I know that you believe she's part of the Reptilian New Order from Alpha Draconis. She's a goddamn lizard woman, Dave.
Dave: Oh yeah. Well, I guess it's Trump then.
LucasIsGod asks "Are you guys going to see the new Star Wars movie?"
Arnold: Fuck yeah.
Dave: I dunno. The last three kind of ruined Star Wars for me.
Arnold: But George doesn't have anything to do with this one.
Dave: Doesn't he? Is the prequel trilogy still canon?
Dave: So Darth Vader is still an idiot pussy boy who waxes poetic about sand?
Arnold: What's your point.
Dave: I'm saying the damage that the prequels did to the mythos of Star Wars is irreversible. They were poorly-written, badly-filmed, and absolutely boring to watch. They undid the magic of the original trilogy. "Wars do not make one great," says Yoda in Empire. Well, shit, Yoda, then why were you bouncing around like a muppet on speed, throwing force lightning at the Emperor like a level 20 space wizard in Revenge of the Sith? Midichlorians, Arnold? Fucking midichlorians?!
Arnold: I sense a disturbing amount of nerd rage in you.
Dave: Lucas raped my childhood!
Arnold: No, that guy's name was Frank. And that's a shit argument. It's a goddamn movie, one that you and too many people are far too nostalgic about. I think you should just go to the theater and chill out.
Dave: If Jar Jar is in it, somebody dies.
Trying2BeRipped asks "Is winter time the best time to add some mass, bros? Should I stop counting calories and just try to pack on the pounds?"
Arnold: This guy sounds like he's going to fat-fuck himself.
Dave: He's going to eat cheese cake and flex his fat in the mirror and then post it on Instagram.
Arnold: Christmas dinner is coming up. That's a good time to cheat.
Dave: If you want to add muscular mass, then you're going to have to eat. Some fat is going to be added along the way. No man should pass above twenty percent body fat, however. Just eat a little more than you usually do and lift heavy.
Arnold: I add a little weight during the winter, whether I want to or not.
Dave: I know you do, fat boy. Until next time, internet.