Monday, March 16, 2015

The Sugar Plum Dance of the Gainz Fairy


He sleeps comfortably, his giant ugly head at rest. A thin douche bag beard grows on his chin line, the remnants of a larger mass of facial hair that he has recently rid himself of due to the incessant pleas of his underage girlfriend. In his closet are hundreds of collared striped shirts. His computer history is full of visits to Brazzers and Penthouse.com. He is, in short, a bro. Yet he has said his prayers tonight. Behold! The Gainz Fairy comes to bestow upon him the fruits of his labors.

The Gainz Fairy materializes. He is huge with like twenty-two inch arms and a spray tan and little sparkly fairy wings. He holds a gigantic hypodermic needle in his hands. He rams it in the bro's ass. Dreams do come true.

A poor miscreant spends his days on bodybuilding.com, trying to increase his bench press, which has been stuck at 225 lbs for nearly a year. He types out vague queries, his language deteriorating, his patience growing thin. Why is it so goddamn hard? Why can't he look like Ronnie Coleman? All he wants in life is to have a giant muscle-man body and a tiny head to go with it. One night, however, he is blessed. The Gainz Fairy comes, bearing steroids and human growth hormone. The next day at the gym, he finally benches 230 lbs. Thanks Gainz Fairy!

Some fat slob goes to the gym week after week and finally reduces his fat to human levels. Now it's time for the gainz. He dopes himself on creatine and spiked whey protein powder. He doesn't skip leg day, but leg day is once a week, and it's really just for faggots. The fat on his arms gradually turns to muscle. He brags about his 275 lbs bench press, which is ten pounds over body weight. Eventually, he becomes an internet guru. But lo! Suddenly people want pics. They want substantial proof that he is as ripped as he says he is. So he builds an altar to the Gainz Fairy. It is beautiful and decorated with pictures of Arnold and Franco. He makes a deal with a guy for some Mexican steroids. The Gainz Fairy comes in the night, as he is wont to do. Once again, dreams, friends, do come true.

The Gainz Fairy visited me last night. He was drunk and disheveled, cursing in fairy language, stumbling over the random clutter of my room. Truth is, I was a little disappointed. He didn't quite have the separation between the heads of his deltoids I expected. His upper chest was also a little weak. But beggars can't be choosers. When the Gainz Fairy presented his offering, I took it. Only a fool wouldn't. Now, finally, after years and years, I can truly call myself swole. 

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