- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Monday, March 2, 2015
Sonny Imagines a World of Chocolatey Awesomeness
Mount Everest is 23,622 feet tall! What if it were made entirely of chocolate! Imagine freezing to death at that elevation on an mountain of pure chocolate! That just screams chocolatey goodness.
Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man! He can run the 100 meter dash in 9.58 seconds! How fast could you go if the track were made of chocolate? Probably not that fast since chocolate is sticky and melts in warmer temperatures.
The Nile river is the world's longest river system at 4,132 miles. Imagine floating down a river of chocolate! Could you still get dysentery from drinking a chocolate river? Would fish be able to swim in it? Who cares! It's made of yummy chocolate!
At 98 feet, the blue whale is the world's largest animal. It also has the world's largest penis at 10 feet long and 14 inches wide. Could you picture a chocolate penis of those dimensions? Sonny would have to reconsider his position on interspecies intercourse! It would be a challenge to not lick such a thing of pure chocolatey goodness!
The great pacific plastic vortex is estimated to be larger than Texas! Once again, I have to wonder what the implications would be if it were entirely composed of chocolate! Deliciousity would occur, I fear. Give me a year and a suitable craft and all that chocolate would vanish! If everything were made of chocolate, the world's problems could all be solved by one cartoon cuckoo bird!
The world's population is estimated to be 7.125 billion people! What if they were all made of chocolate? Sonny would turn serial murder, that's what would happen! You can bet he'd keep the population in check!
I LOVE CHOCOLATE. PLEASE, GOD, SOMEBODY HELP ME. BIRDS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO LIVE ON CHOCOLATE. I AM GOING INSANE.