Monday, March 9, 2015

Mr. Redlegs Cometh


Hidey ho there, friends. It is I, Mr. Redlegs, giver of joy and breaker of bones. Do you know what time it almost is? Baseball time! Once again I shall be free to prance about the confines of Great American Ballpark, searching for pliable souls. The father and son bond will be tested, as will the resolve of the ballparkgoer to pay premium prices for bud light. DID YOU KNOW SOME CALL BASEBALL A CHILDREN'S GAME? Were it up to Mr. Redlegs, they would see the light and then nothing else. Let us preview the 2015 season to see what trials and tribulations face your Cincinnati Reds.

Question 1: Can the Reds come back from injury? Oh yea of little faith! I have personally bound together the fragments of Joey Votto's meniscus with shark cartilage and virgin's blood. Joey Ballgame's slugging percentage will rebound or heads will roll! I can't say the same for Jay Bruce. He lacked the resolve to continue with the procedure. I swear to the Christian god, however, if I hear Marty Brennaman complain about RBI's one more time, I'm going to crucify that leathery old ponce. No one gives a shit about your golf game either, Marty. Remember, I know the secret you possess. Remember your boy, Marty. Look to the stars.

Question 2: Can Cincinnati fans hold it together all season? Look, I understand Cincinnati's close proximity to Kentucky. There are bound to be a few bad apples. Mr. Redlegs has come to terms with the fact that a significant percentage of his fanbase is composed of toothless hillbillies whose IQs measure in double digits. Sure, you get the stray 100 or so every so often, but that Kentuckian is from Louisville or some other bastion of decency in that terrible state. Mr. Redlegs asks that all fans keep their concession stand visits to a two trip maximum, and that they have the courtesy to wait until the inning is finished before lumbering to fill their gullets with hobo shi... I mean Skyline Chili. Please keep the racial slurs to a minimum, Kentuckians. Exercise your right to free speech at UK games.

Question 3: Will someone do something about the ghost of Marge Schott? Shottzie still craps all over the place. Only Mr. Redlegs can see it because of his strong connection with the spirit world. Everyone should have pity for Mr. Redlegs. Sometimes Marge will follow him and say crazy things. You think she was nuts in life? Try walking a day in Mr. Redlegs' shoes.

Question 4: YOU WILL BOW TO ME AND WORSHIP AT THE ALTAR OF MY MUSTACHE, PATHETIC HUMAN CREATURE! WHEN THE MOON IS FULL AND RED, THE SEED SHALL BE PLANTED! BEHOLD, THE WOMB OF ROSIE SHALL BIRTH AN HEIR, AND HE SHALL BE BEAUTIFUL AND GLISTENING WITH PROMISE! ALL WILL BOW TO HIM AND CALL HIM KING!

Let's have a good season, folks. Brought to you by John Morrell & Co.

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