Friday, March 20, 2015

A Collection of Literary Rejection Letters

I thought I would share the mounting evidence of my failure to become anything more than an internet writer. Here are some rejection letters I have received.
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Dear Nathan,
Thank you for submitting In the Depths of the Valley to Resurrection House. We regret that this work is not right for us at this time. However, we appreciate that you gave us the opportunity to consider it, and we hope you remember us when you are ready to submit new material.
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To Whom It May Concern,
Please do not send Crazy Larry's Bizarro House any more stuff. Your work is too weird for us, and none of it fits into any of our subgenres, such as people with pig heads fiction, cannibal fiction, true crime animal-head fiction, etc. Nobody wants to read about a Sasquatch masturbating. Asshole.
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Dear Author,
We at the Gary Goldberg Agency feel that your work is not right for us at this time. As we emphasized on our How to Submit page, we are only interested in Paranormal Romance and Young Adult fiction at this time. No one gives a shit about Horror unless the monsters be banging.
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To the "Writer" of This Shit,
Eww. Gross.
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Dear Nathan,
Its nice that you think you can write. Please, by all means, keep sending us stuff. There's a reason gmail has a spam folder. You belong there.
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To the Person or Robot Who Sent This Email,
We regret to inform you that we have declined to read your query letter. We might get to it; we might not. You might hear from us two weeks from now. It might be six months later. Who knows? If you received the volume of mail we do, you would understand. You start to hate letters and emails. You begin creating arbitrary rules for rejection. Every morning I take a big pile of letters and slowly feed them through the paper shredder. I cannot describe the joy I feel when I look at those shredded scraps of paper.
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To You,
This is poop. You should be eating it.
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Dear (Author),
We'd like to take a look at your manuscript! Please send the whole thing to us as a .Doc attachment. What excitement you must feel! Isn't this great? Somebody is actually taking a good, long look at your writing! Too bad it sucks and you'll never hear from us again, even after you email. Fuck you, asshole. Have a nice day.

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