Friday, March 27, 2015

Tips on Buying a New Car

Ugly dog not included.

Having just purchased a new vehicle, I feel compelled to share some great car-buying tips I used. You are welcome.

1. Pay whatever the dealer wants. These guys really know what the car is worth; why would you want to screw them and underpay? They work hard for their money and they're going to work hard for you.

2. Go in blind. I find the best way to buy a car is to have absolutely no idea what you want. That way, the whole process is a crap shoot. Choice is an illusion perpetrated by those who cannot see. I didn't not choose my sixty-thousand dollar Dodge Challenger 2015 SRT Hellcat. It chose me.

3. Ignore features like miles per gallon. Gas is currently cheap, and we all know it will stay that way. Billions of dinosaurs died so that we could drive big-ass Hummers. This shit is basically written in the bible.

4. It should have a tv in it. Don't buy a car without a tv. All cars have televisions in them now. We live in the future.

5. Make sure your salesman has a soul patch. The bigger the patch is, the more you can trust him. Plus, he might let you smoke weed in your new vehicle before you buy it. And let's be honest, that's what you're going to do in it anyway.

6. When you buy a car, don't think in terms of total dollar value. Think in monthly payment. If there's a chance you can make it, then you certainly can. Budgeting is overrated. No one ever accomplished anything by budgeting. Fun fact: most homeless people actually budgeted too much. Thanks, Obama.

7. Buy as new a car as possible. Everybody knows that new cars are worth more.

8. Make sure to send off your old beater in as cool a way as possible. Pump it full of gas, put a brick over the pedal, and toss of Molotov cocktail at it after pushing it down the street. The law states that you can only be held liable for one car per person. Therefore, you should try to take out as many people as possible with your old one.

9. Always buy while drunk. It sends a clear message that you're an alcoholic, and that you will not be restrained by society's rules. The dealer will respect that. He or she might even lower the price for you.

Well that's it. I hope you find your new vehicle. There's one out there for you, somewhere.

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