Conan Brothers Q&A

Crippled&Miffled asks "How do you still train while injured?"

Dave: You train what doesn't hurt.

Arnold: My SI joint is giving me trouble right now on my left side, which means no heavy squatting. But I can still deadlift and do bodybuilding stuff like dumbbell split squats and leg extensions.

Dave: You won't lose your muscle mass.

Arnold: A lower body injury is a good excuse to really focus on your pressing and upper body. Bench day every day, in other words.

Dave: Upper body injuries are usually rare, excepting shoulder problems, and I find you can usually find a pressing angle that doesn't hurt.

Arnold: So yes, there is no reason not to train while injured. Injuries are to be expected. They are a consequence of training hard. You shouldn't endeavor to become injured, of course, but it's sort of a badge of honor.

Dave: Yes, limping around like a moron is a badge of honor.

Arnold: That's enough from you.

...

PoliticsBeforeAlcoholics asks "Who do you guys want to win the Democratic nomination?"

Dave: How dare you assume we're voting Democratic.

Arnold: Well, it's not like we could vote for an orange tub of blubbery dough even if we were racist and stupid.

Dave: I like Sanders or Warren. Might as well vote for someone that want to usher in some actual change.

Arnold: But what about electability, Dave! Isn't Joe Biden the only one who can save us?

Dave: Let's pin the future of our nation on another old-ass baby boomer.

Arnold: Sanders and Warren are both in their seventies.

Dave: But Uncle Joe just wants to return to the pre-Trump world. I don't think there's any coming back.

Arnold: You think someone will succeed the moron king if he loses? Take the mantle of authoritarianism and do some more damage?

Dave: That's the question, isn't it. What happens to the Republican Party sans Trump?

Arnold: We're getting ahead of ourselves, Dave. He could still win.

Dave: I think people overestimate his chances. He might have solidified his base, but his base has shrunk. I'm not saying the Electoral College couldn't fall his way again, but I don't think he'll get all the breaks that he did in 2016.

Arnold: Fucking emails, Dave.

Dave: I hate computers.

...

GetGood asks "What have you been playing lately?"

Dave: Besides the old skin flute? Well...

Arnold: Prey: Mooncrash which is awesome.

Dave: What Remains of Edith Finch. Man, that's some interesting storytelling.

Arnold: I didn't like playing as a baby drowning in a bathtub.

Dave: What about a shark ragdolling down a hill?

Arnold: The sequence with a guy in the cannery is amazing.

Dave: It's a game about the inevitability of death. I enjoyed it immensely.

Arnold: I always have a soft spot for walking simulators.

Dave: It's certainly the best one I've played.

It's Hard to Get Anything Done besides Cleaning up Poo-poo

I google "baby" and this is one of the first images to pop up. WTF?

Well hello there. I see you were about to work on the computer for a bit. Before you do that, could you check my pants? I seem to have pooped them yet again.

Oh so you're disgusted. How do you think it feels to constantly have a stream of liquid waste flowing from your anus to collect in a diaper against your sensitive skin? All I can do is kick my arms and legs, asshole. If I could change my diaper, I would, believe you me.

Of course I'm going to occupy the majority of your time. I don't know why you would think otherwise. Mother carried me in her body for nine months; substantial resources were invested in my conception, rendering me rather important, so why shouldn't I be the focus of all your attention? Do you want me to turn out like the neighborhood hoodlums, smoking cigarettes on park steps, peppering my vocabulary with choice curses and slang? Then get off your ass and pick my ass up. I wish to be held. It soothes me.

If you could drag yourself away from the computer for a minute, would it be too much trouble to make sure that my brother does not wack me in the cranium with a dinosaur? I'd appreciate it. As I mentioned, you've already invested quite a lot in me, so it seems rather foolish to let me fall prey to fratricide. I'm sure brother means well, but he also frequently resembles a rabid Tasmanian devil, so it would probably be best to keep an eye on him at all times. Jealousy and all, you know. I'm sure you can keep up with the video game news some other time.

I forgot to mention that I am hungry. I know it seem inconceivable that something so small could eat so much and so frequently, but hey, I'm a miracle, don't you know? You seem to forget that fact when I wake you up in the middle of the night for a feeding. I expect to see joy on your face, not weariness and sloth. Come on, wake up. I'm your boy here. Didn't you always want a family? Well too late for second thoughts.

You best get Mother while you are up. She seems somewhat more competent than you. She never forgets to Vaseline my bottom. You forget to match the right socks together, for chrissakes. I'm really starting to doubt that you're going to be a good role model. Look at brother. He's dancing on the dog right now as though the thing isn't alive and ill-natured. You'd better do something about that before it all ends in tears. But first change my pants. Then get me a bottle. Oh, and hold me in your arms and give me your full attention. Or I'm going to grunt as loudly as I can until I erupt in a wailing fit that only Mother can soothe.

The Diary of Mitch R. Singer

In the midnight hour

My eyes open and I awake. A snuffling is heard, a grunting that shares much in common with the vocalizations of a pig. Quietly, I get out of bed and move through the darkness to the nursery. There he lies, moving his legs and thrashing his arms, wrestling with inner demons and the soggy nature of his diaper. What will he become? I wonder. Politician, musician, garbage man? There is a long line of custodians in the Singer family. We do well near sewers or power plants. Waste is part of our lives, and we've never shied way from that fact. Somehow, I do not think the broom will be in his future. I lovingly caress his hooves and take him into my arms. The snuffling ceases, replaced by a deep, guttural purring.

After the midnight hour

Again my son's crying tears me awake. Sleeplessness is a peculiar kind of hell, a type of altered consciousness that pulls on your bones and rattles your memory. I've lived this hell before; in fact, I will live it again, a million more times until the sun supernovas and the rocky shell we call earth incinerates. Children are part of the natural cycle, hooves and all. Sometimes they come out hirsute, little bears waiting for open arms. Other times they come out with scales and gnashing teeth, hungry like prehistoric reptiles. I like my atavistic spawn. They remind me how far we have come and what we have left behind.

In the tender twilight

Goddamnit, why won't it sleep? Does it wish to crawl around in the darkness? Such is our natural aspect, yet the conventions of society demand we sleep during the night. I might wish to prowl the streets like a big cat, yet I must get my eight hours or I'll be incapable of performing my professional drudgery. Does the little beast not know who puts food into his mouth? Well technically the Spider-wife does, but I finance her staying at home to care for the brood! Somehow you remember and you forget. What a half-conscious existence we live.

Weightlifting: Back Injury Part Deux/365 Days of Brutality

All those empty cardboard boxes finally did him in.

I had a bad back injury that occurred late 2017 that set me back for about half a year, due mainly to my desire to return to squatting and deadlifting too soon. Several trips to the chiropractor and a lay-off from squatting and pulling helped get me back on track, and I've set a couple PRs this year, including squatting 360 lbs for five reps and deadlifting 390 for seven. About two weeks ago, I hurt my back while squatting a paltry 260 lbs. My lower spine felt a little weird before I worked out, but I kept on lifting, since it didn't really hurt, which was a big mistake. The next two weeks, I could barely move my lower back without pain. Abstaining from lower body training once again did the trick, but I guess two weeks wasn't enough. Yesterday, I did some light squats, and after a few warm up sets I felt my lower back painfully shift. Now I'm feeling that constant pain once more.The lesson here is not to rush back from injury. It pays off to be conservative. I haven't sworn off heavy lower body training forever, but I'm moving back to split squats and leg extensions for at least the next month. Time to embrace my inner bro and get those bench weights moving.

Powerlifter/Shit-stirrer Jamie Lewis of Chaos and Pain fame has released his so-called magnum opus entitled 365 Days of Brutality. It's fifty bucks for the ebook, which is crazy, but not really: 365 Days of Brutality is not so much a book as a collection of the training routines and peculiarities of some of the most interesting and accomplished people in strength training. I've been visiting Lewis's blog for years and consider it to be the best strength training resource on the net, despite the presence of some really gross porn and gore. I'm about halfway through, and the book's a more refined version of the blog, which makes it invaluable, really, if you're interesting in getting bigger and stronger. Click here to check it out.

Video Game Reviews: Edith Finch, Turok 2, Mooncrash

Prey: Mooncrash still looks good on my ancient PC.

Prey: Mooncrash is a roguelike expansion to 2017's Prey, one of my favorite games of the last few years. You play as several different characters trapped on a moonbase overrun with Typhon, the shapeshifting aliens of the original. The goal is to escape with all the characters in one run. What one character does affects the simulation for the next character; for example, your engineer can fix a broken teleporter, so all your remaining characters will then be able to use the elevator. The simulation gradually corrupts, however, and each level of corruption spawns more difficult monsters and hazards. Eventually the simulation becomes too corrupted and it resets, so your playthrough is timed. Also, resources used by one character won't be there for the next, so if you grab that medikit, it won't be there for your other characters. The result is a surprisingly difficult and tense experience. By the end of Prey, my character was overpowered, which robbed the game of much of its atmosphere and tension. Because you have to play as other characters, some of which aren't very good at combat, you'll find yourself racing to each objective, hunting for a medikit or ammo while Typhon follow at your heels. If you played the main game, then Mooncrash is highly recommended.

What Remains of Edith Finch is a so-called "walking simulator" that I grabbed for free off the Epic store awhile back. You play as the last survivor of the Finches come home to confront the legacy of death that has haunted her family. While exploring a maze-like house, you relive the death of each Finch, most of which are either tragic or bizarre. The most memorable sequence has you transforming from a cat to an owl to a shark to sea monster while a little girl narrates her insatiable hunger. This is a game that has you playing as a fetus in a womb and a baby in a bathtub (the latter is an emotionally trying sequence). Though the ending is unsatisfying and the game brief, What Remains of Edith Finch is like playing through an excellent piece of magical realism. An actual work of art in a field crowded with derivative commercial slog.

Turok 2 improves upon the original in many ways, yet I can't make myself finish it. The shooting is better, with a memorable arsenal including the cerebral bore, a gun that shoots a little drill that burrows into your enemy's skull. The graphics, restored by Nightdive Studios, look really good, closer to Quake 2 than an N64 title. Yet the level design has not been improved. Turok 2 has only six levels, but each of them are massive and some of their objectives are hidden, which means you can trudge through a mission for over an hour and find at the end that you missed something, which means you'll either have to start the level over again or backtrack. The original had this problem too, but somehow I managed to make it through that game. You can have all the pieces for a good shooter, but if you don't have good level design, then your game won't come together. Not really recommended, even for retro shooter fans, unless you like scouring the internet for hints.

On Eating Healthy

Nothing like a nice meal of raw meat and fish.

You know what's healthy? Six raw eggs in a blender mixed with whole milk and a mysterious protein powder full of dubious "super-foods." Also several cups of coffee throughout the day. Over a pound of meat, mostly red. Sugar in the form of dried oatmeal or multigrain cheerios composed of grains that have been genetically modified to be resistant to gylphostate. Several beers spread throughout the week, some good, some bad. Cheesy baked crackers designed for children. 

I consider myself a pretty healthy eater, but what's healthy is a divisive topic. Is a high protein diet conducive to long term health? How much coffee is too much? Pretty much any alcohol is bad for you.

I don't look like a blob, which is good, but who knows what my cholesterol level is, or whether I should give a damn.

In general, it's good to avoid things that are obviously not food. Pop-tarts may be delicious in a trashy sort of way, but Pop-tarts are not food. Can you tell me what a Pop-tart is made of? Hell if I know. That shit isn't made from strawberries, I can guarantee you that. Similarly, chips are not food. Oreos are not food. Soda is not food. Anything that comes in a box is pretty much not food.

That's the rule to live by. Don't buy things in boxes. Eat your salads and fruits and lean meats. Drink your dairy if you can process lactose. Don't eat things that come in cans, unless you're in a fallout shelter and you're dying for some botulism. Also, don't buy supplements. Some moron came up with the term "super-food." What the fuck's a super-food supposed to do, make your forearms grow several inches like Popeye's? If you traded your kale for the grass growing in your yard, your gut would be just as healthy.

Everyone's obese because they've forgotten what real food is. Once you get past not eating things that come in boxes, there's no real consensus on what's healthy. Is a vegan diet healthy? Maybe for some people, but I personally don't want to look like Moby. What about a high protein diet? Might increase your risk of colon cancer, plus all those cow farts are killing the planet. What about Weight-Watchers or whatever Oprah's peddling? Comes in boxes. I don't care how many pounds Terry Bradshaw lost, that guy's got something wrong with his brain. I don't know anything, but I'll tell you what I think anyway.

So yeah, listen to the guy who eats six raw eggs every day. Obviously something's right with my brain, or I'm just resistant to salmonella. Eat your spinach and apples. Don't touch any cookies unless you want to grow blue fur and googly eyes.

Writer's Block: I Love You Like a Sock

A perfect gift for someone you hate.

Love You Like a Sock

I love you like a sock

Or a lightning bug

Or a little plastic dinosaur

Left behind to break your feet.

What stupid poetry we make

With words thrown carelessly around

Like discarded feet-sheathes

Gloves to keep the moisture in.

I can never remember

Where I put my socks.

What does that say about me?

Not anything.

Not anything at all.


The Second One

The date approaches, and we grow restless,

Tossing in our bed like angry children.

Someone needs to get this beast out of her

I pray that it will be more mild-mannered

Than the first one we removed. 

Weightlifting: Juggernaut Method 2.0 Review

Powerlifter/Strongman Chad Wesley Smith's Juggernaut website is a great resource for anyone interested in strength training. Their Youtube channel in particular regularly puts out excellent content, and Chad's the real deal, a record holder in the shotput and squat with a 905 lbs lift. His female powerlifting team also includes IPF champ Marisa Inda, so you know he's an accomplished coach. Because of their excellent content, I decided to purchase the Juggernaut Method, a training book designed for competitive athletes. Of course, I'm not a competitive athlete--I'm just a guy lifting weights in his basement--but I figured Chad's training could help me improve my own lifts, and I was right, for the most part.

The actual Juggernaut program is very straight forward, which is great, because I think complicated training is ridiculous. It's basically block periodization with an adjustable training max. If that's all voodoo to you, let me explain. You have four lifting days, with each one focusing on the squat, deadlift, bench press, and press, a la 5/3/1. Your first week consists of a high volume workout, the next week a slightly heavier workout with slightly less volume, and the final week is a testing workout where you work up to a as-many-reps-as-possible set. These three weeks are considered a wave. You then follow that testing week with a deload or you just skip it and go heavier for the following wave. So for the squat, let's say you use a training max of 400 lbs.

Week one: Accumulation: 60% of training max for 5 sets of 10.
Week two: Intensification: 67.5% for 3 sets of 10.
Week three: Realization: 75% for as many reps as possible.
Wave one complete. Next wave.
Week one: 65% for 5 sets of 8.
Week two: 72.5% for 3 sets of 8.
Week three: 80% for AMRAP.
Deload.

Does that make sense? There are four waves: a ten's wave, an eight's wave, a five's wave, and a three's wave. That last week, if you get more reps than required (say for the 10's wave you squatted 75% for twelve reps), then you adjust your training max with a formula. All of this might sound complicated, but it's really a simple program. As for assistance work, Chad gives quite a few suggestions. I went with 5/3/1 for my assistance, with my lifts being the front squat, rack pull, and close grip bench press. I also added pullups, rows, curls, pressdowns, calf raises, and leg raises, all for around five sets of ten to twenty reps. For the lower body assistance lifts (rack pulls, front squats), I did as Chad suggested and only did the prescribed reps rather than go for PR sets. All in all, the program worked very well for me. I ended up squatting 360 lbs for five reps, which was a five rep PR; I deadlifted 390 for seven, which was also a PR (I didn't have a 7 rep max written down in my PR log; benched 250 for five (five pounds off tieing a PR); and pressed 155 for 7, tieing a PR. The training volume for the lower body lifts is just about right, but I had to add an extra bench day after my five's wave in order to avoid disaster. The bench is a lift that loves volume, and twice a week benching (I did my close grip benching on my press day) just wasn't enough.

Much of the Juggernaut Method 2.0 consists of strategies for implementing speed and power work. Remember, this isn't a powerlifting manual; it's more of a guide for athletes. I didn't do much of this stuff because I work a manual labor job, and I train with very spare implementation, but doing such work would probably pay off, even for a powerlifter. The book's only about seven bucks on Amazon for the Kindle version. There are too many grammatical mistakes for my liking, but such errors don't distract from the content.

New Music: Light the Way

On old song I had in the cupboard. Wanted to put some keys in it, but the guitars are slightly out of tune, so I couldn't. The lyrics are supposed to conjure images of Victorian gentry out on the town. No idea where I got that idea.

Video Game Reviews: Dusk vs. Turok

Dusk is a retro shooter released last year by New Blood Interactive. It is heavily influenced by Quake and Blood, and it is designed to sit alongside those classic ninties shooters. Dusk has a pixelated look reminiscent of Quake in software mode; it looks pretty good, in my humble opinion, and it gave my antique PC no problems. The levels are intricate, packed with secrets, and often require you to go key hunting in order to progress. This design approach has been abandoned by modern games, but I seldom found myself lost, since the level design is pretty good. Sometimes it is hard to tell where you are because of the limitations of the graphics, but I enjoyed exploring a level without having an npc up my ass or obvious barriers bar my way. The shooting is pretty good and features a classic arsenal inspired by Quake. The Lovecraftian/backwoods cult theme is excellent, and Dusk really feels like an artifact of a prior era in the best of ways. All in all, I'd recommend it to any retro shooter fans looking for something to play.

After finishing Dusk, I thought I'd play a ninties shooter that I'd never played before, and since I love pulpy dinosaur adventures, I bought Turok, a classic for the N64 recently remastered by Nightdive studios for the PC. The original Turok was infamous for its heavy fog that obscured vision past ten feet (the N64 couldn't handled the game, basically), and Nightdive have cleaned up the graphics and implemented support for modern resolutions, mouse and keyboard control, and Steam achievements. Honestly, I have no idea how anyone played this game at 320 by 240 resolution with heavy fog using an N64 controller. I'd really love to know if anyone finished it, because at normal difficulty, Turok gets pretty hard on the later levels. The best thing the game has going for it is the setting and its enemy design. You fight cybernetic dinosaurs (raptors, Triceratops, and a T. Rex), lizard people, aliens, and mercenaries. The end boss is a alien terminator dressed like Conan the Barbarian. It's pretty awesome. What's not awesome about Turok is the ridiculous amount of platforming involved. Having been designed as a console game on Mario's home system, the original developers probably thought they had to implement some jumping puzzles, just in case anyone thought they were playing a pure first person shooter. Lots of ninties shooters had the occasional platforming bit; Half-Life's Xen levels come to mind, but I've never played a shooter that had as much jumping in it as Turok. Most of the jumps aren't hard, but Turok has random save points, so if you fail a jump, you might have to repeat a whole section. The levels are vast, which is cool, but using the automap feature is a requirement if you don't want to get lost. Enemies respawn constantly, often seconds after you've killed them, which makes harder difficulties really unfair, because you'll run out of ammo quickly. The arsenal is pretty great, featuring shotguns, an assault rifle, a minigun, quad rocket launcher, and some alien weapons. The shooting is fine; getting lost looking for keys, not so much. You can easily miss a key and have to repeat an entire level.

Turok is a hard game to review. I almost loved it, due to the unique setting and excellent enemy design. I also have more patience for combing through levels to look for keys than most people. If you've played Doom and its ilk, then you'll probably enjoy much of Turok. If you've been raised on modern shooters, then you probably should skip it.

New Music: Song of Songs

A very simple, crunchy tune with angry lyrics and a brain-dead chorus, just like rock 'n' roll should be. I'm coming to the conclusion that my 300 dollar Epiphone Dot that I got for my sixteenth birthday might be my best sounding guitar. Used the Big Muff and a shitty Peavy pratice amp that sounds way better than it should.