Writer's Block: I Love You Like a Sock

A perfect gift for someone you hate.

Love You Like a Sock

I love you like a sock

Or a lightning bug

Or a little plastic dinosaur

Left behind to break your feet.

What stupid poetry we make

With words thrown carelessly around

Like discarded feet-sheathes

Gloves to keep the moisture in.

I can never remember

Where I put my socks.

What does that say about me?

Not anything.

Not anything at all.


The Second One

The date approaches, and we grow restless,

Tossing in our bed like angry children.

Someone needs to get this beast out of her

I pray that it will be more mild-mannered

Than the first one we removed. 

Weightlifting: Juggernaut Method 2.0 Review

Powerlifter/Strongman Chad Wesley Smith's Juggernaut website is a great resource for anyone interested in strength training. Their Youtube channel in particular regularly puts out excellent content, and Chad's the real deal, a record holder in the shotput and squat with a 905 lbs lift. His female powerlifting team also includes IPF champ Marisa Inda, so you know he's an accomplished coach. Because of their excellent content, I decided to purchase the Juggernaut Method, a training book designed for competitive athletes. Of course, I'm not a competitive athlete--I'm just a guy lifting weights in his basement--but I figured Chad's training could help me improve my own lifts, and I was right, for the most part.

The actual Juggernaut program is very straight forward, which is great, because I think complicated training is ridiculous. It's basically block periodization with an adjustable training max. If that's all voodoo to you, let me explain. You have four lifting days, with each one focusing on the squat, deadlift, bench press, and press, a la 5/3/1. Your first week consists of a high volume workout, the next week a slightly heavier workout with slightly less volume, and the final week is a testing workout where you work up to a as-many-reps-as-possible set. These three weeks are considered a wave. You then follow that testing week with a deload or you just skip it and go heavier for the following wave. So for the squat, let's say you use a training max of 400 lbs.

Week one: Accumulation: 60% of training max for 5 sets of 10.
Week two: Intensification: 67.5% for 3 sets of 10.
Week three: Realization: 75% for as many reps as possible.
Wave one complete. Next wave.
Week one: 65% for 5 sets of 8.
Week two: 72.5% for 3 sets of 8.
Week three: 80% for AMRAP.
Deload.

Does that make sense? There are four waves: a ten's wave, an eight's wave, a five's wave, and a three's wave. That last week, if you get more reps than required (say for the 10's wave you squatted 75% for twelve reps), then you adjust your training max with a formula. All of this might sound complicated, but it's really a simple program. As for assistance work, Chad gives quite a few suggestions. I went with 5/3/1 for my assistance, with my lifts being the front squat, rack pull, and close grip bench press. I also added pullups, rows, curls, pressdowns, calf raises, and leg raises, all for around five sets of ten to twenty reps. For the lower body assistance lifts (rack pulls, front squats), I did as Chad suggested and only did the prescribed reps rather than go for PR sets. All in all, the program worked very well for me. I ended up squatting 360 lbs for five reps, which was a five rep PR; I deadlifted 390 for seven, which was also a PR (I didn't have a 7 rep max written down in my PR log; benched 250 for five (five pounds off tieing a PR); and pressed 155 for 7, tieing a PR. The training volume for the lower body lifts is just about right, but I had to add an extra bench day after my five's wave in order to avoid disaster. The bench is a lift that loves volume, and twice a week benching (I did my close grip benching on my press day) just wasn't enough.

Much of the Juggernaut Method 2.0 consists of strategies for implementing speed and power work. Remember, this isn't a powerlifting manual; it's more of a guide for athletes. I didn't do much of this stuff because I work a manual labor job, and I train with very spare implementation, but doing such work would probably pay off, even for a powerlifter. The book's only about seven bucks on Amazon for the Kindle version. There are too many grammatical mistakes for my liking, but such errors don't distract from the content.

New Music: Light the Way

On old song I had in the cupboard. Wanted to put some keys in it, but the guitars are slightly out of tune, so I couldn't. The lyrics are supposed to conjure images of Victorian gentry out on the town. No idea where I got that idea.

Video Game Reviews: Dusk vs. Turok

Dusk is a retro shooter released last year by New Blood Interactive. It is heavily influenced by Quake and Blood, and it is designed to sit alongside those classic ninties shooters. Dusk has a pixelated look reminiscent of Quake in software mode; it looks pretty good, in my humble opinion, and it gave my antique PC no problems. The levels are intricate, packed with secrets, and often require you to go key hunting in order to progress. This design approach has been abandoned by modern games, but I seldom found myself lost, since the level design is pretty good. Sometimes it is hard to tell where you are because of the limitations of the graphics, but I enjoyed exploring a level without having an npc up my ass or obvious barriers bar my way. The shooting is pretty good and features a classic arsenal inspired by Quake. The Lovecraftian/backwoods cult theme is excellent, and Dusk really feels like an artifact of a prior era in the best of ways. All in all, I'd recommend it to any retro shooter fans looking for something to play.

After finishing Dusk, I thought I'd play a ninties shooter that I'd never played before, and since I love pulpy dinosaur adventures, I bought Turok, a classic for the N64 recently remastered by Nightdive studios for the PC. The original Turok was infamous for its heavy fog that obscured vision past ten feet (the N64 couldn't handled the game, basically), and Nightdive have cleaned up the graphics and implemented support for modern resolutions, mouse and keyboard control, and Steam achievements. Honestly, I have no idea how anyone played this game at 320 by 240 resolution with heavy fog using an N64 controller. I'd really love to know if anyone finished it, because at normal difficulty, Turok gets pretty hard on the later levels. The best thing the game has going for it is the setting and its enemy design. You fight cybernetic dinosaurs (raptors, Triceratops, and a T. Rex), lizard people, aliens, and mercenaries. The end boss is a alien terminator dressed like Conan the Barbarian. It's pretty awesome. What's not awesome about Turok is the ridiculous amount of platforming involved. Having been designed as a console game on Mario's home system, the original developers probably thought they had to implement some jumping puzzles, just in case anyone thought they were playing a pure first person shooter. Lots of ninties shooters had the occasional platforming bit; Half-Life's Xen levels come to mind, but I've never played a shooter that had as much jumping in it as Turok. Most of the jumps aren't hard, but Turok has random save points, so if you fail a jump, you might have to repeat a whole section. The levels are vast, which is cool, but using the automap feature is a requirement if you don't want to get lost. Enemies respawn constantly, often seconds after you've killed them, which makes harder difficulties really unfair, because you'll run out of ammo quickly. The arsenal is pretty great, featuring shotguns, an assault rifle, a minigun, quad rocket launcher, and some alien weapons. The shooting is fine; getting lost looking for keys, not so much. You can easily miss a key and have to repeat an entire level.

Turok is a hard game to review. I almost loved it, due to the unique setting and excellent enemy design. I also have more patience for combing through levels to look for keys than most people. If you've played Doom and its ilk, then you'll probably enjoy much of Turok. If you've been raised on modern shooters, then you probably should skip it.

New Music: Song of Songs

A very simple, crunchy tune with angry lyrics and a brain-dead chorus, just like rock 'n' roll should be. I'm coming to the conclusion that my 300 dollar Epiphone Dot that I got for my sixteenth birthday might be my best sounding guitar. Used the Big Muff and a shitty Peavy pratice amp that sounds way better than it should.

Asking for a Friend

How many toes are human beings supposed to have? Asking for a friend.

Do frogs have teeth? Asking for a friend.

My bro wants to know if he cuts it off, will it grow back?

This guy I went to high school with recently asked me how many planets are capable of supporting multi-donged alien life, and I have to have an answer to tell him, so... do you know?

Is it possible to get pregnant from a tractor seat? Asking for my girlfriend's best friend's sister-wife.

Are humans reptiles? Asking for Bill from the internet.

Is there scientific evidence that supports man-bigfoot sexual compatibility? Trying to settle a debate between friends.

Can babies breathe underwater? Asking for my mom.

Do dingos eat babies? Asking for someone who wants to become a Meryl Streep/cat-person hybrid.

Is Donald Trump actually a genius? Need data from the internet to support best-buddy's hypothesis and own the lib-tards on reddit.

Can one eat one's own poop to survive? My neighbor's dad is curious and don't want to be the bearer of bad news.

Do woodchucks really chuck wood and how can I own one? Does anyone know how much wood a woodchuck can chuck per hour? Will they chuck indefinitely or do you have to feed them a special food? How many woodchucks will support a wood chucking business? Some guy on the street wants to know.

Are the Dothraki a real people, and if so, how do you become one? My son wants to know, and I don't want to disappoint him.

Need irrefutable proof that Bronies are well-adjusted, valuable members of society. Asking for... somebody.

My friend wants to know how to become a real man. What should I tell him? Does anybody have specific strategies that work? Need to know ASAP. He's really impatient.

Can a moose love you as well as a person? That's a normal question to ask, right? My buddy just asked me this, and I don't want to end our relationship based on a stupid question. There are no stupid questions, correct? What should I tell him? Does anyone know?

New Music: Black Philip

I've had this song written for a while, just haven't had a chance to record it. Probably the first real bluesy number I've ever done. Did the entire thing in Reason (except for the vocals, which were recorded in Audacity), and though I really wanted to put some guitar in, I just couldn't make it work.

Benioff and Weiss Writing Game of Thrones

Benioff and Weiss sit on leather couches in a luxurious living space. Benioff has a glass of sparkling mineral water in his hand; it was flown down from the Rocky Mountains only a day before. Weiss has a pile of the finest cocaine spread out on the coffee table. A clump of it is stuck in his right nostril.

"Well it's time to do some work, B," Weiss says, sniffling. He takes a pencil out of his pocket and spends a couple minutes trying to place it in between his fingers.

"Yep, got to get this shit finished," replies Benioff. He opens his laptop and clicks on a Word document entitled "Big Budget Fantasy Shit That'll Make Us as Rich as Davey Crockett."

"Okay, so they killed the ice dude, and now Jon and Dragon Lady have to get to King's Landing for the real final confrontation with Lena Headey. How we going to set that up? After killing a million zombies, it's kind of a let-down to get back to hum-drum mortal affairs."

"Maybe we should've done it the other way," suggests Weiss. "Have them deal with Cersei first, then fight the Night King."

"Naw, Lena's our best actor, so she's gotta be the main villain. You haven't been looking at George's notes again, have you? I thought I burned those."

"You did," admits Weiss. He takes some cocaine and smears it on his cheeks like war paint.

"You and me, bro, we're the real geniuses here. We don't need George's notes. If that tunky bastard cared about Game of Thrones, he would've finished the story years ago. He'd rather roll around in the massive pile of money HBO gave him."

Weiss snorts.

"He ain't getting paid shit compared to us," he says.

"That's because we're the real brains behind the throne, so to speak," says Benioff. "You like that line? Maybe we can have Tyrion say it."

"We got to come up with an outline first," says Weiss. "How are we going to weaken Dany and Jon? They're still too strong to make Cersei a believable threat."

"The same thing we always do, bro. Let's pull something out of our asses. Wait! I got it! Get rid of one of the dragons!"

"They're supposed to be the medieval equivalent of nuclear weapons," responds Weiss. "How are we going to get rid of something that we've built up to be so powerful? We got rid of the Night King and his rocket arm."

"Okay, so Urine..."

"It's Euron."

"Same difference. Eurotrash pirate guy installs some big-ass crossbows on his fleet. These crossbows are so big that they punch right through Dany's ships like they're made of twigs. So he's got a big sight on his cross bow, and he aims it at one of the dragons like he's aiming a machine gun. Boom! Dogo's dead! Shocking!"

"We can't kill Drogo yet. That's Dany's dragon. We have to kill the other one. Rhaegal or whatever he's called."

"Okay, so we've murdered Ronald. We have to have a shocking human death too. Who do you think should get the axe?"

Weiss coughs and flutters his eyelids. He seems to have momentarily forgotten where he is or what he was doing.

"I got it!" he says moments later. "How many black people we got on this show? Like two?"

"Diversity hires," says Benioff by way of explanation.

"Let's kill one of them," suggests Weiss.

"Yeah, that'll piss off the internet. Good idea. Got anything else?"

"Like, maybe we should include some good dialogue and interesting character interaction so that people remember why they started watching the show in the first place."

Benioff stares at Weiss like he's just admitted that he's a cannibal.

"I knew it. You got George's notes somewhere, don't you? You copied them. Goddamnit, bro.

"I don't know what the fuck we're doing," admits Weiss.

"The audience doesn't care, bro! They come for the tits, blood, and dragons! We only got two more of these to write, and then we get to fuck up Star Wars! Star Wars, man! Can you imagine?"

Weiss snorts the rest of the cocaine off the coffee table and leans back in his seat.

"You're right, man. Do whatever you want. I'm going to check out for a bit. Maybe visit the Lord of Light."

"Alright," says Benioff. He jumps up and down, screaming like a monkey while ramming his knuckles on the keyboard. After fifteen minutes or so he tires and saves his hard work.

What a Load of Crap

Consider:

Imagine you're an immortal ice wizard who has systematically been planning an apocalypse for thousands of years. You've amassed the greatest army of zombies Westeros has ever seen. You killed a freaking dragon with a javelin like an Olympic champ, and you dragged that dead dragon out of a frozen river and made it your zombie steed. After using said dragon to destroy the magical ice wall that's kept you out of Westeros for millennia, you marched your assembled forces to Winterfell where all the good guys have sequestered themselves. Real geniuses, this bunch. None of them seem to have the slightest grasp of military tactics. They waste their light cavalry on a morale-destroying charge. They stack all their infantry behind their trenches. They don't use pitch or armor the castle walls with obsidian. They have two dragons to your one, but instead of roasting your army, they fly off into your magical blizzard like two jabronis.

So your army breaches their walls and slaughters pretty much everybody. You should've sensed that something was wrong when Brienne of Tarth survived several zombie mobs without explanation. Same goes for pretty-boy Lannister. But since everything was going to plan, you decide to march into the weirwood garden to decapitate the autistic savant. That was probably the big fuck-up, in retrospect. The Three-Eyed Raven knows the past, present, and future, so if he's sitting there, chill as a cucumber, when you're about to whip out your ice sword, then he knows something.

But you just let it pass. After all, the idiots are all either occupied or about to be dead. Jon Snow, the military genius, is stuck in the courtyard battling a zombie dragon. The Queen is dragonless, so she's basically useless. Those are the only two remotely on your level. Little do you know that there's an assassin lurking about. Maybe she's in the trees. That's pretty much the only explanation since much of your army is in the weirwood garden about to bear witness to Bran's execution. When she drops behind you, your super-reflexes manage to grab her by the neck. Unfortunately, she's got quick hands and you've got a obsidian knife in the belly. What the fuck?

If you were going to die, it was going to be to that doofus Snow or dragonfire, and you passed both of those tests. Who gave Arya the ability to teleport? Did somebody toss her like a dwarf past the zombie horde? Hell, she literally came outta nowhere to RKO your ass like a tiny Randy Orton. What a bunch of goddamn bullshit.

Couple of seasons ago, the show switched genres on you, and you never realized it. Game of Thrones started as a medieval political drama with a dash of fantasy thrown in to spice things up. If characters made mistakes (Nedd, Rob), they paid for them. Once they ran out of book material to adapt, however, Game of Thrones became a Hollywood fantasy where the good guys are protected by plot armor, and evil is defeated, even when evil is so much smarter than said good guys. Come on, isn't it hard to root for Jon Snow or Daenerys when they keep making stupid decisions and never learning from their mistakes?

Oh well, you say. You're just a bunch of crumbling ice now. There are no rules, so maybe you'll reconstitute yourself and show up in the season finale like a Bond villain that won't die. That would be pretty sweet, right? You have something to hope for now. Maybe winter really is coming. Again.

Conan Brothers Q&A

IMPEECH asks "Mueller report has dropped, but much of it is redacted! Do the Dems impeach Trump, or do they continue to let him run rampant?"

Dave: He's running rampant for a while longer, bro.

Arnold: I don't really understand the calls for impeachment. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that twenty Republicans in the Senate vote to impeach Trump. So what's the point? All the Democrats hate him anyway. You don't need to impeach him in the House for people to realize that.

Dave: People want to invalidate the results of the last Presidential election, Arnold.

Arnold: It's too late, folks. Forty percent of the voting electorate support Trump no matter what. The Mueller report could have included a video of Trump pissing on an American flag while kissing Vladimir Putin, and that forty percent wouldn't have wavered.

Dave: Nothing's changing people's minds, is what you're saying.

Arnold: The economy would have to crash. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Dave: I'd hate to be let go at Wendy's.

Arnold: I would hate to be laid off at the Amazon Warehouse as well. Maybe I'd start enjoying life again, and god knows that means trouble.

...

RogerEgret asks "Bros watch anything good lately on TV?"

Dave: I mostly watch videos of other people working out on Youtube.

Arnold: He's kidding. He watches videos of himself working out on Youtube.

Dave: I liked Altered Carbon.

Arnold: It only took two years for us to finish it.

Dave: I hate to say it, but it had gratuitous levels of violence.

Arnold: So much blood and dismemberment. I also find the idea of "sleeves" disturbing.

Dave: So you would mind hopping from body to body?

Arnold: I spent a lot of time building this body. I'm not switching it out for anything, even if it means that I might finally become a real woman.

Dave: We've also been watching the third season of the Expanse for a really long time.

Arnold: Too many goddamn plot lines to follow. Thanks a lot, Game of Thrones.

Dave: Oh yeah, Game of Thrones. The first two episodes haven't been bad.

Arnold: No one's done anything terribly out of character yet.

Dave: Still rooting for the Night King. Westeros is a terrible place.

Arnold: Bring on the ice age!

...

MusclesMalone asks "Workout tips? Been awhile."

Dave: Stay in school and drink milk.

Arnold: Been doing block periodization for a while. Working well, but two bouts of illness have robbed me of seven pounds.

Dave: Seven pounds of blubber.

Arnold: Must've been some muscle in there, because that weight loss affected my lifts.

Dave: But you can see your abs again, Arnold!

Arnold: Yeah, woop-tee-do. I'd take another inch on my arms over my abs peeking out.

Dave: Therein lies the difference between us and the modern male.

Arnold: That, and our devilish sense of fashion.

Dave: Bright pink sleeveless shirts never went out of style.

Arnold: Not in our dojo.

Heart of the Thief: Song of Dry Death

 
Song of Dry Death (A Haliurunnae Prayer)

Dry death is a waste

A crumbling of flesh and water

A mist of sand upon the desert floor.

Our ancestors gave their lives

So that you could walk and breath

And taste the dust in the breeze.

You must die a blood death,

Your life must lie in puddles

Coloring the knife of your enemy.

You and he must trade blood,

For without a sacrifice

You shall never walk the Halls of your Fathers.

Suffer not the witch, purveyor of evil,

Kill the urbanite, softened by comfort,

Ignore the Northron if he bring no weapon of war.