The Esteemed Critic Reviews The Thing; The Terror; The Last Dance; Barbarian; Love Is Blind Season 7

 The Thing has to be John Carpenter's best movie. You can feel the isolation with every swig of whiskey, the special effects still hold up (this year's Still Wakes The Deep borrowed their monsters from this film), Kurt Russell is a relatable, gruff hard-ass, and Keith David is in it. What more could you ask for? A shape-shifting alien that spawns teeth and jaws out of flesh like it was made from playdough? How about a score by Ennio Morricone? It's wintertime, baby. Watch The Thing and shiver in terror.

 After you watch The Thing, watch The Terror, an AMC miniseries about the 1845 voyage of The Terror and The Erberus, British ships sent to the arctic to find a northwest passage to India and China. Jared Harris of Mad Men fame and Tobias Menzies from Outlander are two of the leads, and the cast is excellent in general, although it is almost entirely male. The Franklin expedition is ill-fated, and the ships find themselves ensconced in the ice sheet, with the crew hunted by a supernatural spirit manifesting as an enormous, human-faced polar beer. Cannibalism, scurvy, and starvation are also in store. At least they died quickly in The Thing! Seriously, this is a great little miniseries. Currently available on Netflix.

 Are you nostalgic for the nineties? I didn't realize how much I was until I watched The Last Dance, a sports doc about the Bull's last championship run, and sort of a Michael Jordon puff-piece. Jordon is front and center through all of this, and although his greatness is undeniable, don't expect any really hard questions, since Jordon's always been pretty moody about the press. His gambling issues and bullying of his teammates are covered but excused, as is his avoidance of politics. Despite being the athlete of his generation, Jordon was no Muhammad Ali, and whether or not he had a responsibility in that regard is up for debate. His teammates and Phil Jackson are interviewed heavily, but I would've liked to hear more from Dennis Rodman, mainly because that guy was and is fucking nuts. A good trip down nostalgia lane for the Critic, who was a Chicago Bulls fan as a child during their dominating run.

Finally, a good recent horror film! Barbarian works as an allegory for sexual abuse, from the ignoring of the accusation, to the false repentance of the abuser, to the eventual catharsis achieved by the abused, who ultimately must regain agency despite the cost. The beauty of the film is that it works as a dumb horror movie on top of all of it! Barbarian is also excellent at subverting expectations after setting up horror cliches. Highly recommended, although it is not for the squeamish or easily triggered. Best recent horror flick since The Menu. 

 Do guilty pleasures still exist? We have a guilty pleasure as President; irony has died its final death, and the freak absurdity of the universe is acknowledged by all. Therefore, I present to you, dear reader, my pithy review of Love Is Blind Season Seven: The Men are shit, but Hannah is a bitch. Don't you know about stocks, Nick, you fucking idiot? Perhaps the biggest missed opportunity of the whole thing is that no one points out how Ramses' Jedi Padawan braid gives it away that he's not even a full Jedi. What did you expect, Marissa? No man in his thirties with a fucking Jedi Padawan braid is marriage material. Still waiting for the season where instead of attractive people, they actually fill half of the pods with grotesquely obese computer nerds. Just make sure Nick Lachey doesn't know so we can watch him spontaneously vomit when the combined scent of ten unwashed 300 lbs anime aficionados assaults his perfect nostrils.

The Esteemed Critic Reviews Deadpool Versus Wolverine; They Live; When We Were Kings

 

Deadpool Versus Wolverine: Let me just get this out of the way: I despise Ryan Reynolds. Apparently I'm not alone: Defector calls Reynolds cinema's kryptonite, an assessment that I mostly agree with. Reynolds is the white Rock, a generic pretty boy who plays the exact same, fourth wall-breaking character in every single stupid film he's ever been in. So of course, he's perfect for Deadpool, a smarmy motor-mouthed imbecile whose amorality and quips are supposed to be charming and endearing, instead of obnoxious and frustrating. I don't get the character's appeal, alright? Spider-man is a wisecracker who doesn't reference pegging or gangbangs (I'll reluctantly give points to Deadpool Versus Wolverine for sticking to its R rating), and while the Whedonesque dialogue that filled Avengers movies lost its charm really quickly, at least none of those motherfuckers had Reynold's grating voice. The only reason I had interest in Deadpool Versus Wolverine was the inclusion of Hugh Jackman, whose Wolverine was part of my childhood. Jackman is a legitimate movie star capable of decent performances (check out The Prestige or The Fountain) but he's been unable or unwilling to abandon the role that elevated him to stardom. At 55 years of age, he's still impressively swole, and the lines and wrinkles that mar his movie-star visage are appropriate for Wolverine, who plays the gruff straightman to Deadpool's incessant chattering. The movie is as passably entertaining as a video game cutscene, and by far its best idea is having Deadpool and Wolverine transported to a universe where forgotten superheros are left to die (Jennifer Garner's Elecktra and Wesley Snipe's Blade make an appearance). However, this multiverse shit is becoming cliche at this point (and again, it's Spider-man's thing!). The whole fucking movie is a meta-joke, with Channing Tatum's Gambit pining that he doesn't even know what universe he belong to (Tatum famously wanted to play the character, but Fox couldn't make it happen). Watching Deadpool Versus Wolverine is like watching a bunch of internet memes strung together by AI, connected only by various references to superhero deepcuts that only the most diehard fans will likely be able to comprehend. Sure, maybe this movie wasn't made for me, but when you include one of the most iconic superheros of the past several decades (X-Men was in 2000!) I'm not sure you can make that argument. Perhaps the younger generations, with their decaying attention spans and love for 45 second videos can make sense of Deadpool Versus Wolverine. I'm just glad I didn't have to pay good money for this shit.

 

They Live: Maybe not John Carpenter's best, but They Live has a fifteen minute wrestling match between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Keith David in a disgusting alley, and you gotta appreciate that. The critique of capitalism and consumerism is very on the nose. Aliens are masquerading as humans, engineering society for their benefit, subliminally encouraging mindless consumption and procreation, and only a homeless drifter with a special pair of sunglasses can see through their disguises. Piper's initial reaction to being privy to this information is to go on a shooting spree and starting spouting dialogue that Duke Nukem would appropriate years later ("I'm here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of gum.") The clear death of the middle class dream is the real poignant point; masses of people live in homeless encampments, echoing the current housing crisis, despite the fact that They Live was made in the 1980's. Piper finds work by haggling with a construction foreman, after being turned down by the unemployment office. The dystopia is here, baby! I don't know if it would be terrifying or relieving to find out that the elites are secretly skeletal aliens and not just selfish humans bent on planetary destruction. Definitely worth a watch.

 

When We Were Kings: It's crazy to think of how the passage of time affects everyone, even global icons like Muhammad Ali. We're fifty years removed from the Rumble in the Jungle, Ali's boxing match against George Foreman in Zaire. There's a moment at the end of the documentary where Spike Lee laments the lack of knowledge kids have these days (these days being 1996) of their history. Do children today know who Muhammad Ali was? Do they recognize how he was the most famous athlete in the world for decades? Do they know his involvement in politics, despite the risks? How he was jailed for refusing to be drafted into the Vietnam War, or how he championed black rights and independence? One fact that I didn't realize was how Ali was the greatest promo of all time. He could effortlessly put down his opponent with digs both insulting and humorous, while maintaining a certain hubris that was endearing in its honest. Hearing Ali brag was watching a man fully committed to his iconic status. He knew he was the greatest, and by god, he was going to be the greatest. A mesmerizing trip back in time. 

Video Game Review: Resident Evil 4 (2023)

 

Leon's such a dashing prince of a man. He's dumb as a load of bricks, but we love him for it.

Whereas Resident Evil 2 and 3 were about sneaking in the dark, hording ammo and running from your problems, Resident Evil 4 is about being a kickass Backstreet Boy with a giant arsenal and enough karate kicking proficiency to kill anything after a good shooting or stabbing. Leon Kennedy is tasked with venturing into a small Spanish village to rescue the President's daughter Ashley, and that's about as much of the plot as I absorbed. You'll assault an infected village, comb through a creepy castle, traverse a vast underground cave system by rail, and finally take down a militarized island. Your enemies will be undead rural peasants seemingly teleported from the 19th century, giant mutated cicadas, ogres who got lost on their way to Mordor, and fleshy ghouls who can regenerate limbs even after they've been dismembered by a shotgun blast. None of it really makes sense, but it doesn't have to! Resident Evil 4 is the release after creeping through the previous two entries. It's Aliens to RE 2/3's Alien. One of my favorite things about the game is collecting treasure and inlaying it with multicolored emeralds and rubies, and then selling it for a big payday of pesetas to spend on weapon upgrades. Putting a stock on your Red 9 handgun to improve its accuracy or adding a scope to your bolt rifle are all part of the fun. The RE Engine is looking good, although it's missing DLSS upscaling for some reason. Thankfully, Resident Evil 4 runs great without it, although don't turn on ray-tracing, since it tanks the frame rate and doesn't add anything noticeable to the visuals. Check out the screenshots below:

The Myth That Anything Could Have Been Different

 

This dipshit's return was inevitable.

'Tis the season of Democratic election postmortems, and I've read too many to reference, from people like Bernie Sanders to centrists like Matt Yglesias to the far left writers of Defector. Opinions are like assholes, and everyone's got one! Here, let me tell you my opinion of all these stupid opinions, so that you may know the one true opinion and be enlightened. I'm going to proceed in list format, since I grew up reading Cracked back when that site was still cool, and I'm fucking lazy, so let's go over all the common takes on why Kamala Harris lost to Donald Trump and dispel them with as much reason and wit as I possess (which ain't a lot, but it'll have to do).

1) Kamala lost because she veered too far toward the center! Give the people something to vote for, and they'll elect the socialist utopia of our dreams!

This take ignores history completely, as well as Biden's term. Joe Biden ran in 2020 as a moderate, and he beat out more liberal candidates, such as Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Kamala Harris by campaigning as an establishment figure that would return the country to normalcy after the Covid pandemic. After the Meet-Too, Black Lives Matter, and Defund the Police movements, Democratic primary voters didn't pick a candidate running on social justice or economic populism--they picked Joe Biden, a long-time Senator with a very moderate voting record. Black voters in the South Carolina chose Biden over Sanders, probably because black voters are more moderate than other groups in the Democracts' coalition. I would also like to point out that despite running as a moderate, Biden governed as a liberal. He was the most pro-union President since FDR; he passed a historic climate bill and forgave billions of student loan debut. He approved the American Rescue Plan, which literally gave free money to people during Covid! I'm only going to mention in passing the Infrastructure Bill and the CHIPS Act, which were bipartisan, but contained a lot of meat for the working class, bringing jobs to many communities. Yet Trump made inroads with union voters in Pennsylvania, as well as the entire electorate. Working class voters in rural areas came out in droves to support Trump, despite his comments about overtime and his praise of Elon Musk for saying he'd fire striking workers. Immigration was one of the chief concerns of the 2024 election, with many Latinos voting for Trump because of his promise to deport illegals.

In short, the people gave Kamala and the Democrats no credit for Biden's progressive legislation and instead voted for a racist anti-immigrant candidate who promised to roll back workers' rights.

Also remember that Obama's popularity took a nose dive after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, and Democrats had a historically bad midterm in 2010. Obama gave people a government run health care marketplace, and they punished him for it! How anyone could draw the conclusion that America will reward politicians for progressive policies is beyond me. Winston was wrong; the proles will not rise up and overthrow the bougies.

2) Kamala lost because she moved too far to the left! Democrats need to throw trans-people and migrants under the bus! Ah, yes, the woman who campaigned with Liz Cheney and promised to appoint a Republican to her cabinet moved too far to the left. Harris did have one of the most liberal voting records in the Senate, but her campaign was focused on meat and potato issues, like giving new home buyers cash and restoring abortion rights. Her campaign mostly avoided trans-rights discussion, and she vowed to curb illegal immigration. Harris was a former district attorney and certainly didn't support defunding the police.

3) The Democrats lost because Kamala was tied to Genocide Joe! Exit polls state that democracy and the economy were the top two concerns of voters in the 2024 election, with abortion and immigration being the next two. Foreign policy was a distant fifth, with only 4 percent of voters choosing it as their top issue. The fact that incumbent parties lost worldwide is the real reason the Democrats were doomed.

4) Kamala was a shitty candidate! We should've run the corpse of Joe Biden or held a primary! Joe Biden's approval rating was in the mid-thirties before he stepped down, and it remains very low. It's a hard argument to make that such an unpopular President would've done better than Kamala. Despite losing the popular vote to Trump, Harris only lost by about three points in swing states. She actually outdid Biden's 2020 totals in Georgia, Nevada, North Carolina, and Wisconsin. Trump just drastically improved his turnout all over the country. Considering the abbreviated campaign and the global headwind against incumbents, Harris did just fine. Were Democrats really going to pass over the first black woman Vice President for an open primary? How would they have handled the inevitable legal challenges that would've come from someone other than Biden or Harris accessing Biden's campaign funds? An open primary would've been a messy option that very likely could have resulted in a disaster. Republicans have a slim majority in the House, undoubtedly leading to dysfunction, and Democrats actually retained four Senate seats in states Trump won, keeping Republicans from a super-majority. I don't think people realize how big a blowout it might have been had Biden run.

5) Why is Trump so hard to beat? He's a convicted felon and sexual abuser! He was impeached twice! He tried to overthrow the government! Democrats had to have fucked up somehow! Yeah, I completely understand the sentiment. Perhaps this article from the New Yorker, which is behind a paywall, answers this question:

"Low-information voters—people who pay little attention to political news—seem to have once been spread pretty evenly between the political parties. Some voters who turned out for Bill Clinton in 1992 may have known little more than that he played the saxophone; some George W. Bush voters may have simply associated the former governor of Texas with the South. But, by 2016, low-information voters appeared to be moving to the right. “Trump’s whole playbook was to attract these people,” Richard Fording, a professor of political science said. Low-information voters, he found, are more likely to embrace stereotypes of other groups, and less likely to fact-check claims made by politicians. “Trump was kind of the perfect candidate for them,” he told Charles Bethea. Bethea reports from Marjorie Taylor Greene’s district in Georgia, speaking with low-information voters—and their neighbors who argue with them—about how they view the media and the current political situation: https://newyorkermag.visitlink.me/4Chg24"

Democrats didn't fuck up. I'm not saying they couldn't have been better--supporting Israel while they indiscriminately bomb Palestinians isn't good--but I'm not convinced anything would've changed an electorate determined to punish the party in power. 

New Music: I Want You

 

I wrote this in about fifteen minutes, and it took me about an hour and a half to record. I used my Pitchfork effects pedal to make the organ-like noise that compliments the basic guitar and bass. Who needs three chords? We only have two to work with, the I and the VI. I do my best white guy-trying to sound like a 60's soul-singer impression, so that's always good. Also utilized the same Bo Diddely that I used on Time. 

Should the People Be Given What They Want?

 

Much has been made of whether or not the Republican led Senate will confirm some of Trump's bonkers Cabinet picks. Concerns have been expressed; Alaska's Lisa Murkowski said of Mat Gaetz "I don't think he's a serious pick for Attorney General," whereas Susan Collins of Maine was "shocked" by Trump's choice of Gaetz. Yeah, Mat Gaetz is an asshole--he wore a gas mask into Congress to protest Covid lockdowns, and the Justice Department was investigating claims that he engaged in sex with underage girls--but unlike his potential boss, he was never convicted of sexual assault. Nobody recorded Gaetz bragging about grabbing women "by the pussy." Objections have also been made about Tulsi Gabbard, who Trump has picked to run the National Intelligence Services. Gabbard has a long history of being a Russian apologist, to the point where many consider her either a useful idiot for Putin or an actual spy. Why object to Gabbard when Trump has defended Putin on many an occasion? What about all the Russian money that has flowed into Trump's coffers over the years? He's as least as compromised as Gabbard.

Republicans have largely declined to comment about Robert Kennedy Jr., Trump's choice for director of Health and Human Services. Maybe that's because RFK doesn't believe in vaccines or fluoride; maybe it has something to do with the fact that he dumped a dead bear in Central Park or sawed the head off a beached whale, or looks like he snorts Creatine like cocaine. While RFK has a history of making specious health claims, so does Donald Trump. Remember when he suggested injecting bleach during the Pandemic? What about his battery theory of life force?

Sure, Trump may have picked a Fox News host for Secretary of Defense, but why object to Hegseth's lack of experience or his sexual assault payout when the President elect is guilty of the same? Republican Senators can hem and haw all they want, but there's no point in pretending that the corruption doesn't come from the top. Just give the people what they want, alright? A plurality voted for Donald Trump, despite knowing very well that he's a monster. They don't believe in objective reality--Donald Trump is whatever they want him to be, even though we have a comprehensive record of how big a piece of shit he is (he's a massive dookie). For too long, Democrats and responsible members of Congress have bailed out Republicans every time they try to destroy the country. Maybe a little dysfunction and mayhem is what we all need to finally see the light. When groceries increase in price due to Trump tariffs, maybe they'll see. When worker protections are removed, maybe they'll know. Perhaps when the deportation camps are established, Latino voters will realize that Trump was serious about deporting undocumented aliens, even if they are family members. Maybe when the Department of Education is abolished and their rural school districts close, voters will know that they fucked up. If Elon Musk eliminates the social services they depend on, maybe they'll realize Donald Trump isn't their lord and savior. Or maybe they won't learn a fucking thing. I don't know. But I hope they don't find out, even if it might be a learning experience, because I don't want this country to be destroyed, even if it would hurt the ones who knowingly voted for a fascist.  

New Album: Garage Music

 

Garage Music is the best of Theme Park Mistress, essentially. I picked and chose the best of my work and tried to put together an album that sounded somewhat coherent, a challenge considering I'd written and recorded these songs throughout the years rather than in one sitting. Did I accomplish my goal? I dunno! Give it a listen on Youtube music, Spotify, Apple Music, Tidal, or any number of streaming services.

Where art thou, Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho?

 

 The American voter.

Last night, I had a dream where I willing walked into a haunted house. It was less a house and more like a temple; the opening yawned like a gaping abyss. The voices of demons echoed through the darkness, and as soon as I stepped past the threshold, my vision went black. "The only thing I have to fear is fear itself," was my mantra, and I kept walking while saying those words. Eventually, my vision cleared, and I was in a house, one still enshrouded in darkness, but I could see. I had to comfort a priest, I remember that. Eventually, my wife woke me up, so I don't know how the dream ended, but if it wasn't a metaphor for America's current situation, then I don't know what it was.

Apparently, two of the biggest issues Americans voted on in the 2024 Presidential election were crime and the economy, so it makes perfect sense that we elected a convicted felon pushing inflationary policies like tariffs. There was a clear contrast in character between the two candidates; one was a former prosecuting attorney, while the other lost a sexual abuse trial and tried to overthrow the government. Somehow, Americans completely forgot the chaos and dysfunction of the Covid pandemic, when contradictory information was coming from the government every day. Did no one remember how Trump told us to inject bleach while downplaying the number of people who were dying? Did no one remember the fight over masks and the empty store shelves, the closing down of businesses, the general apocalyptic feeling the pervaded daily existence? I guess not. Instead, people complained about the best economy in the world. There are certainly some big problems in the housing sector, and even though inflation has returned to normal levels, the price increases have stayed. The economic vibe wasn't good, even if the feeling didn't match the facts. While I understand the urge to switch it up (every single incumbent party in the world lost this year!), Donald Trump should've never been an option. He should've been impeached in the Senate and therefore lost his ability to run for office. Merrick Garland's Department of Justice should have immediately went after Trump for his crimes instead of waiting until 2022. The media should have hammered Trump more instead of sanewashing his incoherent, fascist ramblings. Shoulda, woulda, fucking coulda. Instead, it's deja vu all over again.

The Washington Post, which conveniently refused to endorse a candidate this year for the first time since the eighties (Bezos was impressed by Trump's raised fist after nearly being assassinated), is famous for its motto of "Democracy dies in darkness." The truth is, democracy drowns in bullshit. Our media is controlled by billionaires and charlatan grifters. There are no newspapers anymore, and half of Americans get their news from social media, which is inundated with disinformation. Partisan biases make it impossible for Americans to have a clear picture of candidates. When you live in a bubble where your friends, co-workers, church members, and media are all proclaiming Trump the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, how can you think any differently? Doing so would require a level of education not attainable for many Americans. In short, the reelection of Donald Trump isn't surprising when you consider how uninformed, partisan, and ignorant the vast majority of the American electorate is. This is the nicest way I can put it. Frankly, Americans are stupid, and the voters are incompetent. There's a very good chance Trump's 10 percent tariffs and government deconstruction will greatly worsen the economy, and voters will respond by electing Democrats in 2028, that is, if Trump hasn't destroyed democracy. We're not on our way to Idiocracy. We're already there.

         

Election Day 2024

 

Let's not do this again.

Who the fuck thought we'd be back here again, eh? I had a sneaking suspicion back in 2020 when the Biden blowout didn't quite materialize. Ol' Donnie Shitbritches has an iron grip around the throat of the GOP, despite having stubby, tiny baby hands. Republicans are all too eager to embrace a future of 10 percent tarrifs (which we'll have to pay--that's how tariffs work!) and institutional destruction. You guys like Elon Musk? You know, the richest motherfucker on the planet, who is mainly famous for fucking up Twitter (reducing their value by 80 percent) and having the brains of a teenage edgelord? Trump wants to put that guy in charge of gutting the government. Lest you think that a good thing, Elon promises "temporary hardship" for Americans if Trump gets reelected. That's the world's richest man saying he's going to fuck up the economy to the detriment of most Americans. This is the sort of headline that should influence the average voter, but if you're on the Trump train still, after he tried to overthrow the government, mishandled the Covid pandemic, and became a convicted felon and sex offender, well then hell, brother, what more can I say? Did you know that he wants to put former NFL player Hershel Walker, who has beans for brains, in charge of missile defense? What about the fact that he wants to shoot his most prominent critics? You could roll the dice and pull a random crackhead off the street, and he would likely have a stronger moral fiber than Donald Trump. A whopping 24 figures who worked in the first Trump administration, including his Vice President, Attorney General, and Secretary of Defense (Mike Pence, Bill Barr, and James Mattis) refuse to endorse him, because they have first-hand experience with his total incompetence. These are hardcore Republican bigwigs, not just low-level aids. The biggest danger of a second Trump presidency is that all the adults have left the room, having been unceremoniously kicked out of the party. White supremacists like Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon will run the show, along with billionaires like Musk.

Aren't you tired of hearing about this horrible man? Do you not regret his specter hanging over all of our lives? Donald Trump should've been known mainly for his cameo in Home Alone 2, or maybe his Wrestlemania appearance. He should've been laughed at for his stupid toupee, or his crass boorishness. Trump the buffoon, Trump the failed businessman, Trump the laughing stock of the eighties. Trump the President of the United States? What sort of nightmare is this? They modeled Biff from Back to the Future off this motherfucker. Surely this isn't the asshole who destroys our democracy?

Fuck this asshole. Come on, America. Let's send him back to the filthy gutter of D-list celebrity from whence he came. That, or prison.  

Video Game Review: Ion Fury

 

The Build Engine has never looked so good.

Ion Fury is a 2019 first person shooter developed by Voidpoint and published by 3d Realms, the latter of which I wasn't aware was still around. 3D Realms was known mainly for Duke Nukem 3D, one of the classic shooters of the 90s, and a game that I somehow have never played. Ion Fury is a spiritual successor, as far as I can tell. There's a ton of interactivity in the levels, from destructible fire extinguishers that blow chunks out of the walks, to being able to consume fast food lying around or throw a dart stuck on a board at enemies. Of course, a computer from the 90's would never be able to run this game, with its updated engine. There are huge open spaces and an incredible amount of environmental detail that far eclipses anything from the past era of 2.5D shooters. Ion Fury really is a gorgeous-looking game, and its aesthetic is ruined techno-dystopia and urban decay, similar to Robocop. You play as Shelly "Bombshell" Harrison, a wisecracking warrior mowing down cybernetic monsters while trying to apprehend Dr. Jadus Heskel, who resembles Dr. Kleiner from Half-Life. Ion Fury has many references to shooters of yore; its levels are riddled with air ducts like in Deus Ex, while its shotgun-wielding transhumanist enemy looks almost exactly like a Combine soldier. The guns themselves feel excellent--the penetrator, a shotgun/grenade launcher, absolutely annihilates enemies, transforming them into squishy gibs. The loverboy, Shelly's revolver, has a handy auto-aim secondary fire that's always satisfying to use. A pair of uzi machine guns that fire incendiary rounds are also a mainstay, along with a crossbow that really needs a scope. Bowling balls, little rolling grenades, are great fun for taking out large groups of enemies. A chaingun that never has enough ammo, and another throwable explosive called the clusterpuck finishes the arsenal. Although very solid, Ion Fury really misses a couple unique weapons, like Unreal's razorjack or Half-Life's snarks. Enemy variety is also poor. You'll be destroying the same three basic transhumanist enemies for most of the runtime, along with little cyborg spiders that really suck to hit, due to the Build Engine's difficulties with perspective and aiming. There are also some other enemies that the game adds during its runtime to mix things up, but you'll always be battling the aforementioned foes, which gets a little dull. The level design is usually pretty good, with the exception of a mid-game slump that has you wandering around underground. Figuring out where to go can be a challenge, and requires you to get into that retro-shooter mindset. Hunting down keys and remembering where locked doors are is essential. Also don't forget that your electro-baton, your basic melee weapon, can restart generators, which is required for progression. 

 

Difficulty is a complex balance in shooters. On one hand, you don't want a game free of challenge. On the other, you don't want to be frequently banging your head against the wall as you struggle to progress. Most of the time, you have enough ammo and health on regular difficulty in Ion Fury. But there are periods where you're down to a smidge of health and you can't find any ammo for your shotgun. Scrounging the levels for secrets is almost required, and while there are a lot of them, I definitely was frustrated on occasion. I originally purchased Ion Fury a couple years ago and bounced off of it. I'm glad I gave it another shot, but I would only recommend it to boomer shooter fans, which are, after all, its main audience. If you haven't played through an old shooter like say, Dark Forces Remastered, in a while, then you may find yourself stumped by the level design and difficulty. But there is a lot to appreciate here, from the complex level design to the gorgeous dystopian aesthetic to the solid old school shooting. So check out Ion Fury if you are a boomer shooter fan only.

One other note: Shelly has constant one-liners that fucking drive me crazy. "Oh my god, the quarterback is toast!" "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!" "Dodge this!" You'll hear these about a million times, and I know the fun is supposed to be tongue in cheek, but man, this ain't no Bulletstorm or even Atomic "choke on this and die, you fat turd!" Heart.

 

Bad Poetry: Regret

 

Regret

is drinking

a third

of a bottle

of Four Roses

bourbon

and then playing

video games

for a few hours

into the evening

and then having

your eight-year old

wake you up

with an electronic

pop-it toy

before 6:30

in the morning,

and later having

to clean up

dog poop

in the house

because

the goddamn dog

didn’t poop outside,

so you take it

out through the abandoned

streets of downtown Aurora

sprinting in the cold

marveling at the lack

of people

of the quiet

the silence

and stillness

of dark morn.

What did I say

about regret?

I’ve already forgotten it

and I’m ready

to do it again.