Election Day 2024

 

Let's not do this again.

Who the fuck thought we'd be back here again, eh? I had a sneaking suspicion back in 2020 when the Biden blowout didn't quite materialize. Ol' Donnie Shitbritches has an iron grip around the throat of the GOP, despite having stubby, tiny baby hands. Republicans are all too eager to embrace a future of 10 percent tarrifs (which we'll have to pay--that's how tariffs work!) and institutional destruction. You guys like Elon Musk? You know, the richest motherfucker on the planet, who is mainly famous for fucking up Twitter (reducing their value by 80 percent) and having the brains of a teenage edgelord? Trump wants to put that guy in charge of gutting the government. Lest you think that a good thing, Elon promises "temporary hardship" for Americans if Trump gets reelected. That's the world's richest man saying he's going to fuck up the economy to the detriment of most Americans. This is the sort of headline that should influence the average voter, but if you're on the Trump train still, after he tried to overthrow the government, mishandled the Covid pandemic, and became a convicted felon and sex offender, well then hell, brother, what more can I say? Did you know that he wants to put former NFL player Hershel Walker, who has beans for brains, in charge of missile defense? What about the fact that he wants to shoot his most prominent critics? You could roll the dice and pull a random crackhead off the street, and he would likely have a stronger moral fiber than Donald Trump. A whopping 24 figures who worked in the first Trump administration, including his Vice President, Attorney General, and Secretary of Defense (Mike Pence, Bill Barr, and James Mattis) refuse to endorse him, because they have first-hand experience with his total incompetence. These are hardcore Republican bigwigs, not just low-level aids. The biggest danger of a second Trump presidency is that all the adults have left the room, having been unceremoniously kicked out of the party. White supremacists like Stephen Miller and Steve Bannon will run the show, along with billionaires like Musk.

Aren't you tired of hearing about this horrible man? Do you not regret his specter hanging over all of our lives? Donald Trump should've been known mainly for his cameo in Home Alone 2, or maybe his Wrestlemania appearance. He should've been laughed at for his stupid toupee, or his crass boorishness. Trump the buffoon, Trump the failed businessman, Trump the laughing stock of the eighties. Trump the President of the United States? What sort of nightmare is this? They modeled Biff from Back to the Future off this motherfucker. Surely this isn't the asshole who destroys our democracy?

Fuck this asshole. Come on, America. Let's send him back to the filthy gutter of D-list celebrity from whence he came. That, or prison.  

Video Game Review: Ion Fury

 

The Build Engine has never looked so good.

Ion Fury is a 2019 first person shooter developed by Voidpoint and published by 3d Realms, the latter of which I wasn't aware was still around. 3D Realms was known mainly for Duke Nukem 3D, one of the classic shooters of the 90s, and a game that I somehow have never played. Ion Fury is a spiritual successor, as far as I can tell. There's a ton of interactivity in the levels, from destructible fire extinguishers that blow chunks out of the walks, to being able to consume fast food lying around or throw a dart stuck on a board at enemies. Of course, a computer from the 90's would never be able to run this game, with its updated engine. There are huge open spaces and an incredible amount of environmental detail that far eclipses anything from the past era of 2.5D shooters. Ion Fury really is a gorgeous-looking game, and its aesthetic is ruined techno-dystopia and urban decay, similar to Robocop. You play as Shelly "Bombshell" Harrison, a wisecracking warrior mowing down cybernetic monsters while trying to apprehend Dr. Jadus Heskel, who resembles Dr. Kleiner from Half-Life. Ion Fury has many references to shooters of yore; its levels are riddled with air ducts like in Deus Ex, while its shotgun-wielding transhumanist enemy looks almost exactly like a Combine soldier. The guns themselves feel excellent--the penetrator, a shotgun/grenade launcher, absolutely annihilates enemies, transforming them into squishy gibs. The loverboy, Shelly's revolver, has a handy auto-aim secondary fire that's always satisfying to use. A pair of uzi machine guns that fire incendiary rounds are also a mainstay, along with a crossbow that really needs a scope. Bowling balls, little rolling grenades, are great fun for taking out large groups of enemies. A chaingun that never has enough ammo, and another throwable explosive called the clusterpuck finishes the arsenal. Although very solid, Ion Fury really misses a couple unique weapons, like Unreal's razorjack or Half-Life's snarks. Enemy variety is also poor. You'll be destroying the same three basic transhumanist enemies for most of the runtime, along with little cyborg spiders that really suck to hit, due to the Build Engine's difficulties with perspective and aiming. There are also some other enemies that the game adds during its runtime to mix things up, but you'll always be battling the aforementioned foes, which gets a little dull. The level design is usually pretty good, with the exception of a mid-game slump that has you wandering around underground. Figuring out where to go can be a challenge, and requires you to get into that retro-shooter mindset. Hunting down keys and remembering where locked doors are is essential. Also don't forget that your electro-baton, your basic melee weapon, can restart generators, which is required for progression. 

 

Difficulty is a complex balance in shooters. On one hand, you don't want a game free of challenge. On the other, you don't want to be frequently banging your head against the wall as you struggle to progress. Most of the time, you have enough ammo and health on regular difficulty in Ion Fury. But there are periods where you're down to a smidge of health and you can't find any ammo for your shotgun. Scrounging the levels for secrets is almost required, and while there are a lot of them, I definitely was frustrated on occasion. I originally purchased Ion Fury a couple years ago and bounced off of it. I'm glad I gave it another shot, but I would only recommend it to boomer shooter fans, which are, after all, its main audience. If you haven't played through an old shooter like say, Dark Forces Remastered, in a while, then you may find yourself stumped by the level design and difficulty. But there is a lot to appreciate here, from the complex level design to the gorgeous dystopian aesthetic to the solid old school shooting. So check out Ion Fury if you are a boomer shooter fan only.

One other note: Shelly has constant one-liners that fucking drive me crazy. "Oh my god, the quarterback is toast!" "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!" "Dodge this!" You'll hear these about a million times, and I know the fun is supposed to be tongue in cheek, but man, this ain't no Bulletstorm or even Atomic "choke on this and die, you fat turd!" Heart.

 

Bad Poetry: Regret

 

Regret

is drinking

a third

of a bottle

of Four Roses

bourbon

and then playing

video games

for a few hours

into the evening

and then having

your eight-year old

wake you up

with an electronic

pop-it toy

before 6:30

in the morning,

and later having

to clean up

dog poop

in the house

because

the goddamn dog

didn’t poop outside,

so you take it

out through the abandoned

streets of downtown Aurora

sprinting in the cold

marveling at the lack

of people

of the quiet

the silence

and stillness

of dark morn.

What did I say

about regret?

I’ve already forgotten it

and I’m ready

to do it again.