Greetings, Dungeon Master. Let me begin by stating that I appreciate all that you do for your party. Your campaign has, for the most part, held my interest despite being riddled with cliches and stock-characters. I personally always get a kick out of your frequent fumbling for names. "Gump Stumpin" and "Beeph" will always illicit a chuckle. You are also very punctual. Now that I am finished buttering you up, it's time for some constructive criticism.
Firstly, I believe you could lessen your judgemental attitude regarding the sexual proclivities of the party. Dungeons and Dragons is, for many of us, our main interaction with the outside world, other than perhaps a rushed trip to the local convenience store while under cover to replenish our supply of Chicken in a Biscuit baked snack crackers. Some of us might like to get our rocks off in ways that would be deemed "unconventional" by lesser minds. The fact that my half-orc barbarian can't get an erection without being primed by a busty Kuo-toa fish maiden sucking on her flippers is an essential piece of character development, and I could do without another labored sigh or lengthy stare. Also I think it would be best if you do not look any of the party in the eyes ever, lest such a look be misconstrued as an aggressive gesture and set off my social anxiety.
Secondly, I believe it is acceptable to punish the characters of party members who no-show. Dungeons and Dragons is a life-long commitment, and it is unacceptable for so-called "real life" to get in the way. What is reality but an illusion, and who is to say what is real and what is not? I don't care if Lawrence has a wife and kids, his pretentious paladin is getting half a pound of raw crayfish shoved up his rectum to fester until the next session. Surprise, bitch! Your ass reeks of sticky fish-juice. Perhaps he'll learn his lesson and treat the party with the respect it deserves.
Thirdly, if the party wishes to spend a session murdering an entire town, the wishes of the party must be respected. Our characters are veritable forces of nature, single-handedly capable of slaughtering death knights and ancient dragons, and so the lives and social mores of pathetic peon npcs should be of no consequence to gods like ourselves. Really, Dungeon Master, let's not pretend like you had much of a narrative planned anyway. So what if Olfric the goblin king beheaded the mayor and took a dump in his neck stump for all of the town to see? Who are you to stifle a player's creativity? What you're doing is ruining a good time.
Any further criticisms will be sent to you without delay. Please process this information and improve your campaign ASAP.
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