Bret Adkins, 29 years old, formerly employed at Borg Warner, now works slave labor for one-eyed preacher with a lawn mowing business. Favorite hobby is still wacking it to big diesel engines.
Current whereabouts: Cutting the grass down to the sod in front of your local Subway.
What he thinks about impeachment: "I don't know what the hell Ukraine is. Sounds like something made up. Between Ancient Aliens and Infowars, I'm pretty solid at spotting fake news. All I know is that the Mexicans can work like dogs out in this heat. I'm all for sending them back before one-eyed Preacher Joe gets rid of his "no-Mexicans" policy and puts my ass back out on the street. Who else is going to send them back besides big D? You might as well carve a big Trump face on my back. It would look good next to that iron cross I had to put over the swastika."
Candice Lawrence, 38 year old housewife, favorite hobby is eating an entire stack of oreos while the children are sleeping that sweet, sweet sleep.
Current whereabouts: Yoga with new boyfriend Jared.
What she thinks about impeachment: "Well I'm certainly leaning that way. Ever since my husband left with his whore of a secretary, my eyes have been opened to existence of the patriarchy. I now stand in solidarity with all women. Sure, I was living the good life back in 2016 when I voted Republican, as I had been taught to do, but I didn't vote in the midterms and I really like that Pete Buttigieg, he is such a nice-looking young gay man. In the past I wouldn't have went out with a man like Jared, with his weak-chin, narrow shoulders, and lack of disposable income, but I've had all of that, and it ain't what it's cracked up to be, sister."
Anita Dooger, 44 years of age, employed at In His Holy Fire church. Favorite hobby is destroying her children's ability to reason for themselves.
Current whereabouts: Hauling trash to the church's fire pit to burn in a righteous rejection of global warming and local ordinances regarding pollution.
What she thinks of impeachment: "Oh dear, that sounds a bit drastic, doesn't it? We've never had a President that's supported the devout like President Trump. There's a picture of him right next to Jesus in my house, and I make all of my children bow before it when they enter the house. I know the Supreme Court will get rid of abortion and mini-skirts as soon as all the Democracts are eradicated in righteous fire. Our membership is dwindling, possibly due to the huge inflatable muscle-Jesus we have billowing in the front lawn, but the faithful must remain faithful, right?"
Bretfart1942, 25 years old, now working as a podcaster and youtube star making almost enough money to pay his mom rent.
Current whereabouts: Soundproof studio installed in mother's basement.
What he thinks of impeachment: "Let me ask you something: what has Joe Biden done? All this scrutiny around Trump, and I don't hear much about the crimes of the former Vice President. You've gotta unpack all the false media narratives to hear the real truth. Fact of the matter is, Trump is doing such a great job that the Dems can't handle it, so they're trying to oust a democratically elected President before 2020. Listen to my podcast for the truth, and don't forget to donate. My mother has some interesting ideas regarding independence. She doesn't understand the crushing forces of the feminists and social justice warriors, and how they can bring a young man down. For the lols!"
No comments:
Post a Comment