Name: Gretta Hermonie Sanderson
Age: 26
Looking for: Some of my farmer friends hooked me up with this app, which is cool, but really just looking for Netflix and chill.
Hobbies: Working a minimum wage job for way too long; being hopelessly addicted to social media.
Bio: Looking for somebody who rejects society's pressure for us to live a mindless, commercial existence, as well as somebody who photographs well for my Instagram account. I'm really into home brewing at the moment--I brew anything: beer, pickles, kombucha--so if you're interested in increasing the health of your gut and the amount of poo that comes out of your butt, lemme know. I haven't made direct eye contact with someone in five years, hope that's not a big deal. If interested, don't call me, text only, but give me like at least a week to respond.
Name: Suzanne Bellerose
Age: 24
Looking for: A partner interested in permaculture and reducing their environmental impact. Also looking for a dude that looks good in hemp and dreadlocks. Man bun is acceptable, fyi.
Hobbies: Finding ways to eat inedible vegetables; lecturing people for not having a local source for every consumable.
Bio: Hi all, name is Suzanne, though don't quote the Leonard Cohen song unless you can sing every single verse to me along with acoustic guitar accompaniment. I'm nominally a vegetarian, so I'm looking for a nice man to cook cabbage and other foul-smelling things with, hah! Also don't wear deodorant, and I haven't shaved my legs since god knows when, but keep in mind that I permit hair on men in strange places, so it's an equal exchange. Would also be nice if you knew how to play the mandolin because then you could complete my folk ensemble. Peace!
Name: Sexy Texan Lawmaker/Big Dick 69
Age: Too fucking old.
Looking for: Many youthful wenches who will look past my past transgressions and my hideously ugly frog face in exchange for a bunch of cash and a lengthy nondisclosure agreement.
Bio: I'm a Republican American Congressman extraordinaire who threatens to shoot people and makes sexy sounds with my frog mouth. I have hyperextended my virtual corpus through every single dating site on the internet in an effort to spread my seed. When my tadpoles have hatched, you and every other red-blooded American will thank me for representing the great state of Texas. Remember the Alamo, bitches!
Name: Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Yeti, Hermon
Age: 35 (human years).
Looking for: BIGFOOT LOOKING FOR PERTY HUMAN LADY TO CLEAN CAVE AND PICK LICE OFF HIS BACKSIDE.
Bio: BIGFOOT MISUNDERSTOOD! I HAVE NOT RAIDED GARBAGE BINS AND ATTACKED CATS FOR FUN! BECAUSE OF HABITAT LOSS, BIGFOOT FORCED TO DO THESE THINGS! PLEASE THINK OF BIGFOOT NEXT TIME YOU THROW MCDONALDS BAG OUT THE WINDOW! I CAN ONLY EAT SO MUCH PAPER BEFORE I CAN POO NO LONGER. IF LOOKING FOR A NICE FOOT MASSEUR, BIGFOOT IS YOUR APEMAN! MANY THANKS TO MY NEIGHBOR ROBERT, WHO IS A FRIEND OF BIGFEET EVERYWHERE AND WHO LET ME USE HIS COMPUTER JUST THIS ONE TIME.
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