Sunday, October 1, 2017

Conan Brothers Q&A


RealAmeriKKKan asks "What do you guys think about all those loser football players kneeling during the national anthem? If they don't like it here, they can just get out!"

Dave: Been a while since we had a true moron ask a question.

Arnold: That's not true, Dave. Usually we just ignore them, but I feel that this one's query deserves an answer.

Dave: Let me ask all you hard-ass patriot motherfuckers something: What do you think black Americans owe this country?

Arnold: Oh my god, Dave, what are you saying?

Dave: I know it's impossible for a sociopath to put his or herself in another person's shoes, but all you Trump supporters out there, just try for a second. Imagine you're a black American. I know! The horror! Let's think about your history. Americans stole your ancestors from their country and enslaved them for two-hundred and fifty years. When they finally gained their freedom, they were treated as second class citizens that were often lynched, beaten, or unfairly imprisoned if they stepped out of their designated social arena. While things improved after the passage of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, racism and systematic discrimination continued, even though plenty of white people like to pretend that prejudice ended with Obama. "They got their black President, now I don't want to hear about racism!" these people screamed, even though the election of a black President resulted in a massive racist backlash that ultimately manifested itself in Trump. With a noted racist sitting at the head of the DOJ, and a police culture that continues to treat blacks like dead men walking, what do African-Americans owe this country? Honestly, jack shit.

Arnold: Well spoken, white man.

Dave: I find that patriotism is too often used as a shield against criticism.

Arnold: Yeah, I guess that sounds about right.

...

IntellectualHorseMan3000 asks "Do you assholes ever read anything besides muscle rags?"

Arnold: Cereal boxes. Craiglist ads for pool boys. Stuff on the internets.

Dave: Arnold thinks a book is something you use as a weapon or as toilet paper in a pinch.

Arnold: Actually, brother, I have just finished an excellent science fiction novel called Blindsight by Peter Watts. It's a first contact story set in a high tech future where baseline humans are redundant and vampires have been brought to life by the miracle of genetic engineering. The aliens are nicely alien, and the big twist of the novel has a certain Lovecraftian horror about it. The main theme of Blindsight is consciousness, and whether or not it is an advantage or a disadvantage to an intelligent species. I probably read it in a week.

Dave: So that's what you were doing in there all night. I figured you were twisting the bald headed moose or whatever.

Arnold: Well yeah, I was probably doing that too.

Dave: So do you think we qualify as conscious beings?

Arnold: You don't. Half the time you speak, I can tell it's the machinery underneath that's doing the talking.

...


GamerBait asks "So what have you losers been playing?"

Dave: Besides the skin flute?

Arnold: Enough with the masturbation euphemisms. Prey is really good, and a nice companion to Blindsight.

Dave: It's basically System Shock 3, although I've seen a lot of people comparing it to Bioshock which makes sense, I guess, since the Shock series has been defunct for a long time now.

Arnold: Talos, the space station in Prey, is probably the best fully-realized environment in gaming. It really feels like an actual place.

Dave: I feel like the horror angle is due more to the initial weakness of your character, rather than the alien design, though every time a Phantom walks by making those creepy sounds, I shit my pants.

Arnold: Yeah, and they're not even much of a challenge. I do agree, though, Prey is refreshingly difficult on normal, though not Dark Souls hard.

Dave: Nothing is Dark Souls hard. Not even the game of life itself.

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