- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
You Want to Pick Some Apples?
You want to pick some apples? There are plenty of apples left to be picked. Don't fret, friend. You can still pick some apples. There's still time left.
When you pick apples, only choose the prettiest and largest fruit. Let mother nature have the rest. Pick them big apples and put them in your basket. Show your basket to all of your friends. What pretty apples you have picked! But wait. There are still more out there.
The work is never finished. Once you pick a load, dump it into a crate and come back and pick some more. The apple tree gives up its bounty to you and you must take all of it. We waste nothing in the orchard. I was just kidding about picking only the biggest and prettiest apples. You need to pick everything.
Soon you'll see nothing but apples. You'll close your eyes and apples will appear before your eyelids. When you take a bite of bread, you'll taste apple. When you walk by on the street, people will ask where that apple smell is coming from. Little by little, you'll start transforming into the Angry Orchard guy.
How does the Angry Orchard guy close out his day? Well, after picking about a billion apples he collapses in exhaustion and begins to get hammered on hard cider. He gets so drunk that the next day he's still wasted. That's the only way he can get up and go back out into the orchard. You don't need to be sober while picking apples. Sometimes a drunken malaise is the best mental condition to pick apples.
Every once in a while the Angry Orchard guy will think about his younger years when he desired to be a space pirate. He was going to get an old junk freighter and fix it up and begin a life of piracy but things just didn't turn out the way they were supposed to. His application to flight school was turned down. The pirate girl he was going to marry ended up settling down with a nerf herder. So he bought an old orchard and started picking apples for a living. He's okay with it now but sometimes he wonders what could have been.
You don't need to think when you pick apples. Just grab the apples and place them in your basket. Repeat. Show those apples to everyone. Don't get too proud. Just keep putting them in your basket.