- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Happy Bulksgiving, Brah
So what do you want from life, bro? You want to get big? Get huge? Get ripped? Well, before you accomplish all of that, you gotta bulk. Thankfully for your skinny ass, today is an American holiday. Welcome to Bulksgiving, brah. I hope you can handle it.
You gotta prepare before you even sit down at that table, my hypertrophically-challenged friend. Stand back from a distance and scope out all that's available. Stuffing--plenty of carbs, but don't eat too much or you'll puff up like a balloon and Bulksgiving ends early, brah. Turkey--yeah, this is where the money's at. Put down as much as you can. Gravy it up, too. We ain't counting calories. Pumpkin pie, yum. Green beens--skip 'em, bro. Bulksgiving isn't about vegetables. Bulksgiving is about cramming as many calories in your pie hole as possible. You formed a game plan yet? What you gonna eat first? What you gonna eat last? You best figure it out if you wanna max out your gains.
You need to get a sweat on before you eat. Feed me more, muthafucker. Put some sweatbands on your wrists. Have your elastic pants on. You wear a bib for Bulksgiving. Shit's gonna go down, and you're going to make a mess. There may be blood involved, and massive bloating. But we're not thinking about how all this shit is going to digest. No pain, no gain. No, we're gonna get our eat on. So get pumped. Get angry. That food has personally wronged you. You're gonna get your heart rate up. THIS IS BULKSGIVING, BRAH. This ain't no pussy holiday. This is the day that your life changes. This is the day that you get HUGE.
How do you think the pilgrims messed up the Indians? They ate them out of house and home, and then they lifted heavy-ass weights. How do you think George Washington took out the British? He sat his ass down and ate as much as he could, and then he repped out 315 on the bench till his pecs got swole and massive. America was founded on gluttony and limitless opportunity. If there's food on your plate, you better eat it, and then go get some more. You want to step on that scale and see it climb to 240, or better yet, 250. The bigger the better, brotha. Just don't fat-fuck yourself. Remember, Bulksgiving is a holiday. Not every day is Bulksgiving. This is the cheat meal to end all cheat meals. Get your bib on.
Happy Bulksgiving, brah. I hope you manage to survive.