- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Greetings, Random Internet Person, I Have Great Faith in Your Soul
Hello, random internet stranger. I have great faith in the purity of your soul. I can tell this about you just by looking at some of the pictures you have posted. You are meant to do great things. Providence has provided a special plan for you, and it is up to you to discover it. People tell me I have a gift. Those people are correct.
I see that you are fond of posting humorous pictures of yourself with other people who I assume are your friends. That's great, you know. The gift of friendship. It has been eons since I had a friend. I used to be able to walk like you, but now I am forced to flail about, my limbs having become vestigial. You see, I have taken on a superior form, one akin to the sandworm of Arrakis. One day I will writhe through the sands, burrowing deep, utilizing the power of my enormous body. The Fremen will worship me with fear. Only the brave will be able to ride upon my vast enormity. All others will perish.
Please, don't let my ramblings scare you. I don't think they will, for as I mentioned, you have a pure and immortal soul. Your eyes are like windows to it. Your flaxen hair shines like a million suns. Balthazar, my cat, agrees. He is a fine judge of character, you know.
I have one request, beautiful internet person. I would like to exchange addresses. If you come to my home and take me to the desert seas where I can start the spice cycle, I will repay you by explaining your golden path. You are the chosen one, you see. You will save mankind from extinction, Maud'Dib. The choice is yours.
Please take Balthazar with you to serve as your confidant and adviser. He is wise beyond human understanding, and has lived many cat lifetimes. I have left extensive documentation detailing his supplement regimen as well as fifty-two cans of Fancy Feast. It is unfortunate that he cannot join me in the sands. But it is the path I have chosen.
Also, could you mail all of my Brony porn to 622 Horse Lover's Lane? There is a stallion there that will care for it. I have left sufficient funds.
And maybe bring us something to eat, too. A burger or three would be fine. My last meal as a human should be one to savor.
I will be eagerly awaiting your answer, beautiful internet person. Remember the beauty of your pure soul. Great things... great things... great things...