Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Duggars Will Inherit the Earth

It's too late. We've done what we could, but all of our efforts proved in vain. The Duggars have been fruitful and multiplied beyond our comprehension. Eighty-percent of the population of Arkansas is composed of Duggar-kind. Not since Genghis Khan has one man spread his genetic material to this degree. Jim Bob has a mission, and it is total domination of the world.

Resistance is futile, I'm afraid. With their tucked-in shirts, cherubic faces, and giant-sized teeth, the male progeny of Jim Bob and Michelle will be successful. You can't shake their hands and not feel compelled to perform whatever task they ask of you. They will own all the car dealerships. They will become Wal-Mart store managers. They will probably open their own tenement shacks. Normal women will be helpless at their podunk wisdom and Christian Fundamentalism. After a lengthy courtship with no handholding or eye contact, the male Duggars will reproduce. It is a horrible experience, I've heard. The female undergoes changes that science does not understand, but she will become extremely fruitful. Her womb will swell to gigantic proportions. She will probably have triplets. But her transformation is nothing compared to that of an actual Duggar female.

When a Duggar female undergoes the courtship ritual, bizarre changes occur in her body. At this point, Jim Bob supplies his minion drones which labor night and day to create a support structure suitable for the growing egg sac. An immense chamber must be found in order to house the hive. There, the female becomes rather helpless, a prisoner of her egg sac, cocooned to the ceiling. The average Duggar female can produce one-hundred eggs in an hour. Suitable hosts must then be found. That's where we enter the picture.

Beware of door-to-door Fundamentalist Baptists. They carry Duggar eggs, and once you've been infected, it's game over, man, game over. You'll find yourself shunning the sinfulness of modern life. No more will you venture out to strip clubs. Television has no meaning for you anymore. God becomes the most important thing in your life. You become less tolerant of homosexuals and fun.

At this point, it's best if you take the only reasonable course of action. Purchase a pistol and do the deed. We cannot let them spread anymore, unless we want to live in Duggar nation. There will be internment camps, my friend, for those precious few who are immune to the Duggar virus. There will be an apocalypse. A second coming.

Steel yourself. Keep guard. Don't watch TLC. They're coming for you.

They are coming...

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