Friday, February 6, 2015

The Consummate Politician Apologizes


Hello, constituents. It's that time again. Seems like this is happening more and more now. I guess I just can't keep my mouth shut. But that's why you love me, right? If you don't love me, you at least don't hate me enough to show up in significant numbers on election day to throw my ass out of office. So thanks, America, for your ambivalence. Thank you for not exercising your voting rights. So let's get this over with. Again.

My advisers tell me that my comments regarding vaccination have offended some people in the scientific community. Of course, there are many issues me and the scientists disagree about. The age of the planet, for one. You're telling me the planet is six-billion years old? How exactly do you know that? The science of geology is more like the science of guesswork, if you ask me. Plate tectonics, my ass. You know and I know that Jesus was riding around atop a Triceratops back in the day, and when the Rapture occurs, he will mount that beast again to initiate the chosen people into the kingdom of Heaven. The Bible says the world is only five-thousand years old. Who am I going to trust? The Word of God, or a bunch of pansy nerd scientists that have never seen what's beneath a woman's skirt?

If dinosaurs are extinct, where did they get a triceratops for Jurassic Park? Answer me that one, scientists.

So I'm sorry if my comments offended anybody's delicate sensibilities. I just want everyone to know that I am for the rights of the individual. If parents don't want to vaccinate their kids, who are we to tell them to? I don't believe in societal obligation. Nobody in the Republican party does. That's no secret. So what's the big deal? If Joe the Plumber wants his kid to get polio, then so what? Commie in disguise FDR had polio, and the Democrats consider him to be one of their greatest presidents. What's the big deal about the Measles and the Mumps? I mean, I vaccinated my kids. But don't do as I do. Do whatever you feel is right.

The important thing is that everybody has the right to do whatever the hell they want. That's what America is about. It's about CEOs spending millions of dollars on jets and palaces while building factories in Mexico and China. It's about burning tires and buying Iphones and shitting wherever you like. It's about watching horrible people on television. I like my grass green, America, so don't tell me what I can and can't put on it. I like my guns, too. Guns don't kill people. People do. That's why we should have armed patrolmen in every school, bank, restaurant, and public building. To protect our civil liberties. Praise Jesus.

Just remember, vote for America. Vote for me. Don't vote for the scientists. They don't know what the hell they're talking about. 

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