1. Han Solo has an opportunity to shoot first and he takes it.
2. Mark Hamill pops out of a closet dressed as the Joker. "Why so serious?" he pantomimes, and then spends fifteen minutes cackling in his Joker laugh.
3. Carrie Fisher kills the rumors that she's a hermaphrodite by appearing naked and showing full bush. The scene is done classy and tastefully, but is included only on the director's cut in order to keep a PG-13 rating.
4. An ewok bearing an uncanny resemblance to George Lucas is sodomized and cannibalized by a race of diminutive, child-like beings called Trekkies.
5. Chewbacca is revealed to be a girl. Second twist! He's pregnant. But with whose baby?
6. Newcomer John Boyega spends twenty minutes needlessly explaining why it is possible to have black stormtroopers.
7. There will be lens flair. Lots of it.
8. The movie will end in controversy as the main villain is revealed to be a gigantic Mickey Mouse. He will devour stars and will be immune to the effects of endless franchising.
9. Someone will cut their dick off with a lightsaber. This scene is shocking and is not played for laughs.
10. James Earl Jones will reveal himself as Luke's real father.
11. There will be a crossover scene with Iron Man, Rocket Racoon, and R2D2. They will be playing space chess, and Rocket will lose and throw a fit. Robert Downey Jr. will smirk at the camera and talk real fast. There will be a lot of unintelligible beeping.
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