- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Every Rose Has Its Thorn
Yo, everybody, I'm here to tell you about something that it took me a long time to really comprehend. I'm talking years, people. Do you realize that every rose has its thorn(s)? I guess there are thornless roses out there, but who wants those? Every rose should have its thorns, is what I'm saying. A rose is defenseless against predators like your cat without its thorns. Sure, they don't help much against defoliating aphids, but they keep little kids from plucking too many flowers off. The thorns are the price the rose must pay for its beauty. Kinda like when you have to give up a couple grand in order to bang a nice-looking escort, and then you have to pay extra for butt-stuff. I get that. Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of butt-stuff except for gay dudes, and perhaps certain washed-up rock stars that don't identify with the homosexual community. But if you're already plopping down considerable cash, shouldn't the bang session be all inclusive? I mean, I've already wined and dined you, taken you to a decent hotel, autographed your favorite album of mine, and then you have the audacity to haggle with me like I'm some fat, lonely businessman who can't muster up the courage to divorce his wife? Yo, lady, I've banged tons of chicks over the years. You've seen my show. Some of them were terrible, but there was considerable quality in all that quantity. I don't need to pay for it, but I want to. The exchange of money for services is honest, is what I'm saying. There's no ulterior motive. The amount of thorns on the rose is reduced.
I think you've probably grasped the analogy that I'm trying to make. Not everybody gets it. I once tried to pay for it with a room full of roses. That didn't work out too well. The damn roses cost nearly as much as the sex, so I don't see what the big deal was. You're telling me she couldn't have taken those roses to a flower shop and gotten cold, hard cash? She just didn't want to work for it, that's all.
If there are any roses out there that are willing to get freaky in exchange for a bunch of flowers, then give me a call. 8576309. Hah, just kidding. Shoot me an email at HalfButtAintFullButt@gmail.com. Put "roses" in the subject line so it doesn't go to spam. Peace.