- The Diary of Mitch R. Singer
- Hanging with the Goon
- The Consummate Politician Apologizes
- Rating the WWE's Roster by Their Stench
- The Esteemed Critic's Multiple Sentence Reviews
- Conan Brothers' Q&A
- Theme Park Mistress
- Hillsdale Paranormal Society
- Writer's Block
- Select Farmers Only Profiles
Saturday, January 24, 2015
My Life is a Composite of Arnold Schwarzenegger Movie Quotes
I pull into a drive-in with my hot date. She slaps me as soon as the movie starts. "What the fuck did I do wrong?" I ask. "You didn't stick around," she says. I don't know what she means. I want to watch the movie but she jumps out of the car and runs off into the field screaming,
I sit down at a restaurant. The waitress comes up to me and asks what I want to drink. I tell her "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." She brings me a Miller Light. I am enraged.
My girlfriend tells me that she's on her period. "If it bleeds, we can kill it," I say. She hits me in the head with a hammer, and I'm unconscious for three days. When I wake up, I don't know my name.
My date asks me what I want for breakfast. "I eat Green Berets for breakfast," I tell her. She says she doesn't have any of those. I am disappointed.
A helicopter lands on my roof. "Get to the copper!" I yell to no one in particular. No one does as I say. This is getting ridiculous.
I peek into my window. "There's someone in my house, on my birthday, eating my birthday cake!" I exclaim. I spend the rest of the day drinking and yelling at strangers.
My mailman comes to the door. "You're one ugly motherfucker," I say. He doesn't care. He doesn't feel anything anymore.
Somebody spits in my milkshake. "Fuck you, asshole," I say to him. He says it was all a mistake. I don't buy it.
A patrolman pulls me over. "I'm a cop, it's all I know how to be," I explain. He doesn't get it. He puts me in handcuffs, and I spend the night in prison. I'm beginning to think that I have a problem.