I gets teh feelin' that somebodys makin' fun of my way of livin'.
Hi ya'll, this here's teh Goon, an here's to hopin' ya'll had a nice Christmas an New Years. I didn't get much fer Christmas, considerin' I was a bad boy, an Santa Claws don't reward bad boys wit nuttin' but coal an copies of auto trader. Slack says Santa don't come round here much ever since they tried to blow up his slay wit WD40 an gasoline. Ive been told taht since I was a child. As a boy I'd look ta teh sky an' try an see Santa flyin' an dropping bombs on us like he was Iranian or something. The Goon family Christmas tree is also somethin of a sad eyed affair. Last year we stole it from teh park, an all of us spent Christmas in jail, so dis year we did teh honest thing an stole on from WalMart. Teh Waltons don't need yer money ever sinse they got taht tv show; thear descendents have been livin' off of teh proceeds fer many moons, I reckon. That show sucks.
What ya'll do fer Christmas? I keep trying to get this email thing workin, but uncle Thom says you gotta be sure to make a good passwerd, unless you want teh North Koreans to know were you get all yur porn. That don't matter much to me; they can look at my porn as much as they like, I'm not teh jelious type. Hell, I once had a girlfiend named Cindy Laper and she passed herself 'round the Goon household like a handmedown dirt bike, an tahts how we all got siphelus. I outta call ol' Cindy Woo Hoo up. Teh Goon ain't had a good time in a long time, if ya know what I'm sayin.
Do ya'll ever look up at teh sky an wonder when teh aliens are coming down to take us up to alien heavven? Me an Hernando do taht often. Hernando says they gonna come pretty soon, just as soon as were done messin' up the planet wit Al Gore and fungicides an free internet pornos. Hernando says he's talkin to em wit his alien receiver, which looks like a cell phone from teh sixties, I'm guessin. He keeps it in a bushel basket in teh barn to hide it from Sammy. I took it out an looked at it an pressed some buttons an it started makin wierd sounds an I said "ET COME HOME!" an it started smokin an I put it down befere it burned my hands. Maybe I shuda made a collect call. I dunno waht taht is.