Thursday, January 1, 2015

New Year's Resolutions

1. Eat more shrimp. I am an animal, and shrimp are my prey. I shall rid the world of these creatures.

2. Pass more gas. One must hasten the decline of our planet's atmosphere if we are to experience the Rapture.

3. Sacrifice more goats. Have you ever met a nice goat? Of course not. They are terrible people.

4. Compete in a professional bodybuilding competition. When you walk on stage, little banana trunks cradling the remnants of your testicles, and a roar rises from the crowd, all the drug abuse will have been worth it.

5. Eat one-hundred percent grass-fed beef. Cows that eat only grass release more methane than those given feed; therefore, one should eat only grass-fed beef, if the Rapture is important to you, which it should be, you heathen.

6. Drink more. Life's short. Your organs won't last any longer than you need them to.

7. Read more comic books. Life is a comic book, and you are a superhero. A terrible one. With no powers. You are basically Batman without the money. You are Fatman. Go out and save the world from a double cheeseburger.

8. Get close to Jesus. Get to know him as a man. What are his hobbies? What does he really want from life?

9. Write a pop song about cats and become a YouTube millionaire. Spend the rest of your life in glorious shame.

10. Catalog the decline of your person on a blog. Post about cats a lot. Wonder if they truly know all you've sacrificed on their behalf. You could be married. You could have children. But all you have are these goddamn cats.

11. Get fatter. Like enormously fat, so huge that people mistake you for an anthropomorphic slug. Start eating people like a monster. When you break wind, the earth shakes. They will build a temple to your immensity. Children will carve figures from ivory and stone. A thousand years from now, they will find the bones that you devoured. They will not know what to think.

12. Find true love. Expand your definition of love. Include rocks and lamps. Make a person out of sticks and name it Lucinda. She will always love you. Unless she finds someone better.

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